missrenie: (Default)
 There are supposedly five stages of grieving and loss and they are as follows:
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

This afternoon I was furious.  How could you after enduring for two weeks what I have endured for  a year and a half give up on me?  How could you be so jealous and immature, so hurtful and cruel?  I wonder as I write this if you meant to push me to my limits.  If you expected me to beg.  If you wanted me to just have the same feeling of fearful loss that you were.  I wonder if you meant for it to go this far.  If you expected me to reign you in.  I was honest with you... I stood my ground and the summation of it all was the non-consensual ending of this relationship we had.

Did the denial come first.  The belief that "we" were strong enough to handle me actually having the relationship you told me I deserved but you were never able to give... or was it in the belief that I would never grow up.  That I would remain this little girl that you had to protect.  You saved me.  You picked up the broken pieces of me, carried me to the tallest tower and put me back together, you taught me how to fly again then continuously cursed me for wanting to taste the wind.

There will be no bargaining for the price is far too high and I have nothing left... I gave you all I had
there will be no depression I've cried for months and months already
there is only now acceptance of the full reality of the situation,
there is only now the relief of no longer being spit apart in countless painful little ways
there is only now gratitude for what was, for your honesty with yourself and your loving me enough to let me go


I'll never have another like You
I'll never be anyone else's young lady
missrenie: (Default)
I'm writing this because I don't want to forget this feeling
this sensation of frustrated satisfaction.
the way my toes curled when you pressed your lips on mine and mumbled that you wanted me to have something to look forward to.

I could have strangled you

Then that smile that is so new to me  that it makes me wonder if it is new to you 
full of controlled cocky confidence and knowing that I want you
to say you want me 
but you like keeping me

off balance


I like the way you grab me wrists to keep me from wandering freely over all this  new terrain
I like the way you make me come to you even though you are holding me so close to youthat I can't get away 
I like the way you teach me Zen Buddhism concepts  like  Mindfulness
with  lips
with mouth
with white teeth and wet tongue

aware, deliberate, intuitive, preceptive,  education through compassionate  passionate touch, taste, sound, smell.
and I think its hot as hell
that you're in my head
since i'm all over  your skin

Touching the better and higher parts of eachother 
slipping, sliding, shimming in
gently, tenderly waking them up and telling them that its safe
its safe to come out and play
and stay

please
stay with me?

and tease me, test me, tempt me, 
make me still
to feel you

to feel you
to wait for you
to want you
to come to you
to come for you
to comfort you as God since you make me feel Goddess

and as much as I protest
I like this
over the clothes and moving slow
because it lets me know
that while you are in the moment
you are not looking for just  a moment
but the moments that come after
missrenie: (Default)
The silence would not have been awkward if I wasn't so obviously lacking in self confidence. You were staring at me again. With that look that instinctively makes me shut up and wanna wipe the left side of my nose to check if something is hanging there.

I have, in the past brushed this feeling aside. But I couldn't this time. I was frustrated and exhausted by spending the last two hours trying not to hold your hand for fear that I had misinterpreted what ever this thing between us was. Plus you're so damn tall. Or at least tall enough to give me that damn look down your nose which makes me feel even smaller.

I turn away from you lean against my trunk and give up.
"I have no idea what to say to you anymore"

"Then I'll talk" you say. We are both silent until I look back up at you. That face you make intensifies for a moment and if I wasn't already leaning against something I would have taken a step back. But it breaks and you actually kinda smile. And I soon realize that it is really your "I want to tell you something but I'm nervous/unsure of myself/think you're totally cute" face. And that I have been seeing it for months now.

"Weeks ago you told me how you felt and when I didn't have an answer for you, you said it was alright, that you were just going to be there and that I was going to fall for you anyway?" I don't remember saying anything that cock-sure... out loud. I simultaneously mentally pat myself on the back and kick myself "You were right. I can't stop thinking about you. And I figured I should tell you before you pounced on someone else, or someone else pounces on you or I lost my nerve."

And we talked, really talked out there in that cold parking lot. You looking directly at me, being completely forward and open with me while I nervously fumbled with my keys. For a moment I wonder if this is how I made you feel when I confessed. Kinda warm and infuriatingly stupid. When you finish all I can say is that you have to use your words with me because I am neurotic. I'll learn your tells eventually but that you have to talk to me. I tell you how I wanted to wrap my arm through yours in the movie theater and you very simply say almost emotionlessly say, almost a-matter-of-factly say that I should have. Damn Vulcan.

"Well I know that I can now!!!" And I feel like I am complaining so I just reach out and hug you. I press my head against your chest and wrap my arms around you and when you put your arms around me. Both arms for the first time and brush your fingers up and down my back I understand that feeling I have been writing about since I was 13. And it's a surprise to me that in 28 years of living, in 9 years of a relationship, after experiencing several different types of touch from many different people that this is the first time I have felt this ...complete and utter relief of being safely encircled and accepted. You lean into me as much as I am leaning into you. And it feels good.
missrenie: (Default)
About a year ago I met two women. They taught me alot about the art of shamelessly celebrating who I am and fearlessly flaunting the fabulous woman I can be.

Juicy D. Light, Kitty von Quim its been one hell of a year. We've braved New York, we've been to Reno. We have shared sorrow and success. We've gained sisters Frida B., Lucia N. Habitions, Silva Dagger, and Olivia. Now we are about to take it to a whole new level. I'm not gonna lie. I am nervous and I love it
...almost as much as I love you two.



Outside

Apr. 19th, 2010 03:27 am
missrenie: (Default)
Over a year ago I met a man
he clothed himself  the skin of a slaughtered sheep and presented himself to me. When I discovered him for the wolf he was.I was more annoyed than anything else.  I processed it, blogged about it, let it go, laugh about it now until a few days ago.

I am too close to that feeling I had with him... reaching out with naked fingertips only to be stopped two inches above his skin by some impenetrable and invisible force.

I wonder
if its a sign

A sign that I should not be standing here
Outside this door whose bell I have just rung
Just waiting in the dark with this thing

This present.
The best present, the most valuable one and of the highest quality and worth
it was created nearly thirty years ago in the rich fertile brown silken southern delta
it has been hardened by uncontrollable environmental influences
it has been softened by intuitive, introspective and empathic work
it has been tempered in fires of tests and trial
it has been colored with passionate crimsons, calming cyans, rich ambers, bounteous greens and vibrant violets 
it's not new...
it's been used but that wear and tear and those imperfect factions reflect all those people, places and things that have left its mark upon it... and that is where the brilliant shine comes from.

I am unique
one of a kind
I'm waiting for you to grab me
I'm waiting for you to unwrap me
I'm waiting for you to touch me
I'm waiting for you to let me in, let me close, slip me on and trust me not to fall off, or fade away or break.

But I won't wait long
missrenie: (Default)
So my room is a mess
which is normally an indication that I am a mess

Its a pattern.
I make a mess in my room so that I have to clean it
through cleaning it I regain control
and that control makes me feel like I can take the other messy parts of my life and clean that as well.

Sometimes though I need help
and I wasn't expecting the help
but it came in a big way
and I wish I had the words to convey exactly how much it means to me
Not only did yall stop me from drowning, yall noticed I was drowning, yall decided to throw me a rope and more than the rope is the knowledge that you have enough faith in me to reach out to me to pull me to a place where I could once again stand on my own is humbling and makes me wanna cry in the happiest way.

My words are thank you... thank you for taking me in, for caring for me like family.
My actions will be a reflection of your kindness, your consideration, your encouragement
Because of yall
I can sort this out
Because of yall
I have a second chance
Because of yall
this future I had planned, this dream, this desire, this call, this passion, this life, my life
Because of yall
I can

I did not even realize that I had given up.
That I felt so lonely and so used up that I had given up
I was falling, kicking and screaming, grabbing at air but knowing that I was gonna hit the ground and shatter and break and face hard recovery.  And while I appeared to be putting up a good fight I had accepted that.... part of me had accepted that utter loss of hope but yall found my hands and gripped my arms and took the weight of me so that I could find my footing again and climb back and past the place I once was.


Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

I'm gonna make you proud
I'm gonna make me proud
and then I'm gonna do for someone else what yall so lovingly and selflessly have done for me.
missrenie: (Default)
Do I have  a talent for misinterpretation?
Maybe its all the cough medicine that I have been on.  It's addled my brain.  That has to be it!
I mean that has to be the reason that I have been misreading the cards that were laid out over the past few weeks right.

Actually I feel stupid for being this shocked about it all.
I feel silly for being emotional 
and then maybe I am misreading things again...

What the hellz am I talking about it is exactly what it appears to be
stupid stupid stupid 

argh!!!
gawdamnt

I can't even be upset about anything
What did I expect?!
I knew this would happen.
What am I cursed or something?!

Is it that fucking Curvy Girl Syndrome?
Am I too intimidating, aggressive, wild or otherwise insane for someone to claim me as primary.   Btw Magnoliah Black is my stage persona not a split personality you icky bastardos.  Just because I won't fuck you doesn't mean that she will.  Stop asking whether or not she can come out to play.  

Is it that I am hunting "normal"  or mostly normal or mostly harmless?!
Please don't tell me that I am condemned to be with someone exactly like me:  Poly, Pagan,Pansexual, Kinky, Neurotic- Multi-tasker who seeks random thrills  while being overtly social which adds to her stress triggered OCD... thats a suicide mission of epic proportion.  Don't make me do it!!!!  The thought of it exhausts me.


Or is it the damage....
 Have I been so damaged in the past that I am drawn to anyone who is nice to me.  Have I been so destroyed that I mistake kindness from something more that what it is.

I think... more than anything that its the damage.
and what I am feeling now is shock that I still after all this time am so fucking soft, so hungry for affection that I still can't shake that "us" concept.  That "us" programing that has been bred into me via mom and media and TLC(the network)  I'm not crying over the loss of something I never had.  But I am weeping out of frustration from my own weakness.  My own readiness to believe in fairy tales.  My own obviously suicidal longing to jump yet again into waters that nearly drowned me.

Isn't there some pill
some salve
some cure for this disease?

Something to alleviate this discomfort
quench this burning desire
quiet this internal cry?

And even as I write this I know snuffing out that part of myself would be snuffing out my power source.  I am a creature of driven, emotional and illogical passions.
I love who I am and this
all of this
is just a consequence of being the woman that I chose to be.... 

or
maybe....


by the sweet green GODDESS I'm probably just hormonal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


 
missrenie: (Default)
 It fucking pours

I really hate that expression.  It sounds so pessitimitic.  I want to punch the people in the throat that use it.  But since I already feel like I have been punched in the throat I'm  totally gonna use it.

~Saturday
I wake up bleeding from my vagina.  Since I have not had a natural period in ten years my first thought is "Holy shit I didn't play that hard at the dungeon did I?!"  I force myself to calm down because I have to get to work.  And I heal quickly anyways sooo by Sunday I should be fine.

~Sunday
I spend the first part of Sunday curled up into a ball because it feels like some sadistic bastard grabbed my uterus and started squeezing maybe I did play to hard!!! I call my playmate and ask her if she noticed anything funny on Friday.  To which she said no and asked if I was having my period.  At this point I am embarrassed.  Bleeding profusely, cramps, head aches, motion sickness, craving: red meat, chocolate, sex, the mass slaughter of those found guilty of being stupid...duh!

"Was it always like this?" I moan over the phone.  The answer is yes.

~Monday
Aside from losing so much blood that I am simultaneously fascinated and horrified I  develop general malaise and laryngitis just in time for public speaking. Instead of being down about all these schenaigains I'm pissed.   I'm raising my fist in defiance at a sadistic Matronly Mother Goddess screaming "How could You!?  This is one of the grooviest things I've gotten to do in my life.  Speaking as  part of a panel regarding Healthcare in the GLBTQ community.  I thought You liked us!!!"  

She must have found my  ranting hilarious because the bleeding reached level ridiculous.... by 3pm  I'd lost so much blood that I feel faint. On my way home from work I make a desperate phone call to Terick who comes over to find me half dead and half dressed on the floor of my room.  He gets me dressed, hydrated, out the door, to my destination and back home again with zero super dickery and tons of compassion.

"You're a good man" I say as he tucks me in
"You're opinion will change when you're better"  He assures me
"Fuck you... if I say you are a good man then I mean it you bastard"
"There's the Irene we all know and love"  he kisses my forehead with practiced condescension while I make a feeble attempt at smacking him but I'm weak and tucked in far too well to do so.  So I hiss instead and fall right off to sleep.

~Tuesday
14 hours later I wake up
go to work
go back to sleep for 4 hours at work
work for 3
go home
go back to sleep

Its Wednesday I've figured out why I get the laryngitis.  I'm a mouth breather with sever allergies and the immune system of a decrepit old woman in a dark and dingy cell.   The solution: keep my fucking mouth closed when around allergens like pollen and cats and buy a humidifier.    Waaaay  harder than it sounds trust me.... the keeping my mouth closed bit.

The blood loss seems to be tapering off so my energy level has picked up
and I no longer want to eat dead cows
or strangle two year olds
or the stupid which is especially significant and noteworthy since I'm headed to Reno to dance at a club opening this Saturday.

wish me luck ;)
missrenie: (Default)
I should be sleeping
but I'm not
this denotes a problem
some evolving issue in my id
a pimple in my psyche just waiting to breach the surface and explode embarrassingly

Why when everything is going good do I freak out?
Why must I sabotage myself just to feel normal?
Over eating 
Over spending
Over extending
Is it because I don't really think that I deserve my happiness or my success?
Have I really gotten so addicted to the adrenaline high, the strung out of stress?

Or is it just easier
to create an excuse to not live fully

See all these problems, all the extra hours I spent at work, every time I let someone use me, every time I swallowed my truth, every time I pushed myself beyond all reason in the name of sacrificing my wellbeing for those that had less: less love, less affection, less happiness, less opportunity, less vision, less drive, less will I gave up vital pieces of me.  I gave up my flesh to warm another, I gave up my heart to sustain another, I used my happiness as a blanket to smoother someones burning sorrow and when there was no one to give to I simply cut.  Cut Cut Cut Cut into myself via my health, self esteem,  self image.

I should blame my mother you know.
I really wasn't hugged enough.

But I can't blame her.  I couldn't choose how I lived as a child but I do choose how I live an adult and despite all my accomplishments this year I know beyond a doubt that it is a drop in the bucket compared to what I can really get done.

I could say that I am afraid of failure but sugah I've tasted failure.  I've been it's bedmate and lover.  Some people think its a horrible thing but once you get a whiff of it it is intoxicating because it's so safe.  IT is the gateway drug.  It's bottom floor and basement.  You can't get lower, no fall is gonna hurt as much. Stay down it whispers sounding as smooth as a leather pants wearing  Lando Calrissian.  Its like a great big fucked up hug that's hard to get out of...  no I don't fear failure.

Neither do I fear success.  I've rolled in the hay with that cocky well hung bastard as well and smoked a cigarette after so that's a non issue.

It's simpler than that
I'm too lazy.

See  I exhausted myself so I would not have to deal with the truth of what I could become.  What we all have the potential to become.
My ambient was that 60hour work week, unhealthy relationships, the problems of others, bad food, lack of exercise, my outstanding ability to turn my body into a breeding ground for illness.  And while it looked like I was fiercely forging ahead I was really running away.  I was running away from the commitments that I had made to myself, the tapestry of a destiny that I set on the loom with threads of will, faith, intuition, courage and encouragement because I was too lazy to finish it.

I looked a what my life could become and said god damn that would be a pretty thing but fuck me look at all the work its gonna take.... oh something sparkly!!!


I should be sleeping
but I can't
because the "inner I" has been asleep  for so long
my body is tierd
but my spirit is impatient
she is crouching and growling and pawing at the dirt of this fucking grave I sent her to so long ago
she is screaming in rage for her freedom.
"Let me be.  Let me be.  Let me be me."

I have no more excuses
Circumstances I have allowed myself to be put in.  Situations that "inner I" set in sway has stripped that all from me now.
I am waking up
whether I want to or not  and I have to be strong
so  that means that I have to sleep.

That's the real reason why I don't see you as much as you used too.
Like Pink said "I'm not dead just changing"

 so off to bed I go~~~



 

16

Feb. 27th, 2010 01:42 am
missrenie: (Default)
I have to pause

I have to take a deep breath and smooth my skirt
run nervous fingers through my hair 

because I feel all of an awkward anxious  16
its intoxicating and infuriating

My thoughts slip away
hungrily consumed by some sort of off beat chance

I kick my heels and squeal
I question and doubt, calculate, recalculate and then reconstruct wild theories based on a math I can not even begin to understand.

I cover my face with my hands
hiding the  embarrassment and enthrallment 

I want to cry because my confidence can not shield me as I struggle for composure
my hands burn to touch
my lips eager to taste
my head aches to understand
and my heart
irregular
remembering a rhythm of a not so distant past beats a chilled warning through my bones and at the same time a newborned  yearning cadence that courses wet and warm from hip to tit and toe to crown,

This drum song fills my ears
like a rolling ocean
I'm trapped in the wave
a frantic
a frightened
a fascinated
a fixated
16 

in the sixteen steps it takes to cross the street
reach the door
and say hello
missrenie: (Default)
Thursday I auditioned for America's Got Talent

Friday I danced burlesque in San Francisco

Saturday I was invited to be a guest speaker on a panel regarding sexuality and healthcare

Sunday I slept 14 hours straight

Monday I can hardly remember

Tuesday I saw my tits broadcasted on SFweekly.com

and today I slowed down.

I slowed  ... and for a moment all those other voices in my head all that need for speed all that desire to do do do went away and there was silence and you.  Both allowing me to be just me.  I struggled for the spoken words because they seem too intense. But now that I am hiding behind keyboard and computer screens it's easier to get out.

I have a problem with rushing into things way too fast.  I dive instead of allowing myself to slip in.  See I figure that if I dive in I will take the shock all at once and just get it over with.  But you are letting me slip into this.  What ever this is... what ever this will be.  And it's mighty fine of you and it feels simply divine. Inch by blessed inch.

Thank you
It's nice to have no expectations
It's nice to not be pressured

Thank you
It's a relief to be candid
It's a relief to be real

Thank you
It's a pleasure to be organic
It's a pleasure just to feel

Thank you
It's amazing to just be
It's amazing to just be present

I sincerely hope you are getting something from this
because I sure am
I like you
and I like who I am around you
I hope you like me too.
missrenie: (Default)
Yesterday I was involved in something very ugly and deeply personal.

I was vomiting

In the middle of rehearsals I was face in toilet retching and sobbing.

Not because of the pain.  Oh I had gotten used to that.  I was crying because I was alone and there is nothing like being so sick that you have to make a diplomatic decision with regard to which end hits the throne first to remind you just how alone you are.  Add insult to injury... they were out of toilet paper which was a pure de la bitch since I had to hurry up and get outside because I had locked my damn keys in my car and AAA was gonna be there any minute.

I had locked my keys in my car because I wasn't thinking... I could not remember the code because I was exhausted from spending the early morning hours in the ER.  Which is probably why I was royally screwed when it came to the whole throne incident.  Steriods are not with out their side effects.  But I had little choice about the roids since my throat was being a complete cunt and swelling.  

This totally annoys me because. I'm rather fond of breathing and swallowing.
(and don't linger on the word swallow you dirty minded freaks)

It's embarrassing.
Not the bodily functions but the reason why I was crying

I'm blessed.
I get sick and its like the almighty PTA phone tree was alerted.
Friends call, soup get brought, I'm tucked into bed, given juice and oranges and company.
I'm sent hugs and affection by those who know me
so I am 
beyond a doubt 
blessed

Its embarrassing because I feel like a weak ungrateful idiot for crying because someone was not holding my hair back.  
I have hair clips for that by the way.
Holding my hair back
I'm prepared.
I found paper
even though my ass now hates me
I'm resourceful and a masochist...
I bantered with the AAA guy when he poked fun at me
Even though I wanted to kick him
then kiss him for opening my car
I'm courteous


And I'm grateful
I am grateful to you
You who are reading this right now and I want thank you for being here for me.  I really do.
 
And maybe this is guilt, maybe a confession, an apology to you... all of you
But yesterday in Oakland while I was on my knees losing everything in me
I just want to go home
to be wrapped in someone's arms
and them to tell me  that everything was gonna be okay
That this whole crazy transition, this leap of faith, this course I've put my feet on.... that it is all okay.  That I didn't have to be so strong all the time.  That they were gonna stand sentient while I slept for a while.  While I rested and healed they like love's solider would stand guard  over me and slay all the dragons of my sleeping fears and living nightmares.


It was a deeply personal moment 
It was a very ugly moment

It was a human moment and while I am human I can not get over how weak and selfish I felt for this desire.  

For someone
who I put first
who puts me first
who is strong enough
to allow me to be
completely and utterly weak when I need to be.

It was this sort of blind romantic thinking like this that got kept screwed for years. And not matter how much I try to change it I keep coming back to it.  I tried to prove to myself that I could survive on my own.  I took two jobs, I worked full time and went to school full time, I helped turn Circle to Coven, I provided support for others while asking little or nothing for myself (to their total fustration).  I moved mountains, walked on fire, swam naked, danced mostly naked, did things I had fear of simply because I feared them,  beaten a raging screaming depression into a most often dismiss-able, laughable mew, and transformed debilitating introversive behavior into bold exhibitionism and enthusiastic extrovertism.

I'm struggling sooo much to be the joyful, loving, free, adventurous, spiritual, uplifting change I would like to see in the world
For me
For my small world
and while I cringe to admit it for that person
This being I have yet to met or have revealed to me.

I'm not looking for this person right now
but that doesn't mean that I don't want them

I'll keep going forward cause I still have a long way to go...
I'll keep enjoying this journey... even the fucked up parts
I understand that my life is now
right now!
It won't end when they enter it
And it certainly won't begin when they get here
if they get here

That wasn't meant to seem as depreciating as it sounds btw.  As I write this the sun is coming up, I can hear day birds outside my window, my mind is filling with all the wonderful things I get to do today!!!! My black humor is already weaving yesterdays trials into a laughable tale.
Its only the time in the early morning... when the night has been so long that I have forgotten the sun that I warm myself with thoughts of this person who may never be, who has neither name, nor sex, nor history only the compatible ambitious deep hungry loving energy that syncs naturally with mine.

But until then
if then
through, during and after then
I having loving friends amazing family

and
I'll always have my hairclips
missrenie: (Default)
 I hate that I am beginning to think that I have outgrown you.
I feel guilty for even letting such a thought cross my mind.

But the truth is that this safe space you made for me is quickly becoming a cage.  And sometimes when I try to push my boundaries instead of giving and being flexible you restrain, hold me in.  And this is the worst possible thing to do with a person whose spirit is like the wind.

You are afraid of losing me and it is translating directly to jealousy and this is something that I refuse to deal with.  My gratitude has allowed me to deal with it thus far. My love for you has allowed me to try to work through it but with each harsh word, each unreturned I love you, each cold shoulder you give me makes it impossible for me to ignore.

There are several little painful pin pricks of examples I could cite, but of all of them this is the worst:

~the way you tell me that I should "go do what I feel I need to do"  in your abrupt condescending way which implies that my wanting to play with another person or even desiring to be with a person who could love me without restraints,  who could love me the way you love your wife is utterly selfish and unjustified.

You said you felt used
and it cut me deeply because I absolutely adore you enough to let you use me
like some nova geisha doll that sat idle on a shelf coming alive
only when you touched her
only when you had time to play

I'm worth more than dust
You taught me that
I am worthy of love without restrictions
You taught me that
I am worthy of gentleness, great passion, partnership
You taught me that

You also taught me to demand more of the people in my life
to not take shit
but this darling is what you are giving me
the same rules that you apply to everyone else
applies to you
because you have taught me exceptionally well.


For once
I will be rational
I will be logical

When I tell you this
When I look you in the eyes and tell you how much I really do love you and how much I really do care
And I sincerely hope you look through your fear and see me
and how much more I can give  
if you allow me the freedom to give  and receive to and from others
because if you don't  I have one last thing to give you

 this collar you gave me back.
missrenie: (Default)
neil:  I just started my savings account at Bank of America

me: 
groovy groovy :)

neil:  so you should give me money

me:  umm.....
         no
 
neil:  go ahead
        anytime

me:  no thank you I'm good

neil:  feel free
         well your not anymore

me:  thanks for your consideration but really its alright

neil:  don't you think I should be the judge of that?>

me:  I am totally GOOD
         judge of what?  my goodness or my money?

neil: 
your goodness and MY money that you are holding on to
         its mine so hand it over
         thief

me:  hey you aren't my pimp so you have zero say over that!!!
         now if you took up the job of pimping me (which isn't easy) they we can talk
 
neil: 
fine I will become your pimp
         but just to let you know
         there will be some changes
         from now on we are going to go for higher volume at a reduced rate
         so get out there and start whorin!

me:  not so fast you have to fill out an application first. and there is a practical exam regarding skills such as swagger, bling and the overall   bitch slap.  I personally don't think your are gonna pass the verbal.

neil:  I think the sheer amount of respect that my pimp slap will envoke will make up for my low scores in other areas
 
 me:  while it is true that the pimp slap does comprise 30 percent of all scoring you still have another 70% to account for
          I suggest you get up to speed byupdating your linguistics via urban dictionary.

neil:  I think you might be over exaggerating. The only words I need to know for this job are bitch, money and blumpkin.
That is our main marketing strat.  we are going to corner the market on blumpkins
 
me:  See this is why you are going to make a horrible pimp.  First your sense of business ethics is all wrong..."higher volume at a reduced rate" unless you are going to get a fleet of whores you will wear them out before you get your money's worth.  
        2nd I don't do blumpkins.  That causes gaging and clients should not get what they did not pay for.  That kind of freakishness is extra. Honestly where are your values?
         3rd language is essential.  There are times when you will need to communicate with the client.  While bitch and money are universal.  There are also ways to detail what happens to the client should he  damage your property.
         I mean duh
 
neil:  Irene
          its this kind of sass that makes the bitch slap necessary
          the fact of the matter is your input is not needed.
          I am the pimp
          you are the ho
          so get to ho'in!
          ...
         please

me:  Fail
        
 
 
 
missrenie: (Default)
For continuity.... my final post on myspace.
(adapted form Clarity and Tea)




Current mood:  accomplished


I'm deleting my account. And this will be my last post here.

I've been through alot in the past couple of years.  I went from an introverted frightened thing to being unabashedly the person I actively choose to be.

For some reason ending this account is like closing not a chapter but a full on book and slipping it onto the shelf.  Next to it lies the dreams others dreamed for me, the heart once torn in two and the spirit that was broken.  Next to it sits all the pessimistic things, the anger, the cutting, the blaming of others,  the silly useless fears the overwhelming voices in my head that said
You can't because:
You are too fat
You are too worthless
You are too stupid

To be brazen, to be wild, to be desired, to dance, to strip, to laugh, to experience pain-pleasure and rebirth again.

I often said that it is not that serious
but it is.
I've come a distance from who I used to be and I have a hell of a long way to go but this is what I have learned and accepted as my own truth:


Regardless of whether or not you join the Universal Ether or get reincarnated as comfy fat house cat whose owner is rich, childless , reasonably mentally balanced, doesn’t believe in declawing, does believe one pet is enough and is totally enthusiastic about kitty couture, bling and organic salmon dinners.

You have the memory of this one life.

This one only to hold onto in this now and in order to live it to the fullest you might have to let go of something.

Or rather some things, some ones and some false perceptions

It’s all come down to tea…

Which is my personal truth #2

Great Tea is not just tossed together. It is not just an accident. The seed has to be planted, the seed has to grow, the plant must be harvested, the harvest must be separated from the chaff, the leaves must be dried carefully, water must almost boil, then the leaves must regenerated themselves in seemingly opposing elements fire like heat and water, and just when they blossom and unfurl once again releasing like a butterfly emerging from the cocoon their life essence gets taken from them, infused changed into something new. For great tea there must be an even greater patience. You and your life itself are no different than the tea.

The things that happen in your life are not just accidents… well not everything :).
Life is like the tea. Sometimes you brew it for yourselves sometimes other people brew it for you. We brew with actions, and reactions and thoughts. We pick our ingredients (actively or passively) … sometimes some bastards sneak up behind you and toss something in the mix. Other times we see them put it in and just let it stay… too lazy to pick it out ourselves, or too afraid to displease them.


And when the tea is done we drink


It tastes like shit
We bitch
And pour another cup
Toast and bottoms up
WTF!!!


If it ain't your cup of tea… why the fuck are youdrinking it?! Why complain and then do nothing. Why fill ourselves with the same bitter drink over and over again.
Because we worry that if we  spit it out we would look stuck up ungrateful?

Or is it because we worry that it is too late to start a new batch, grow new plants and wait for a new harvest?

Or because no matter how appalling the taste was  we know what to expect… and in that there is comfort despite the discomfort. 

My mom taught me all about tea.

An eon ago she laughed at me when I told her I was hesitant about starting everything over. She said that she understood my fear but that I was a silly hussy for using that as an excuse. "If the shoe is fucking up your foot kick it off and if something in your life, whether it be a person, a thing, a job, a situation a habit is not your cup of tea i.e. .Something suitable, appropriate, or attractive to one stop accepting it in your life. Fill your cup with something else and stop being such a silly hussy."


So I say to you
who ever is reading this

Spit out all those lies the proverbial "they" told you, spit out all those fears you convinced yourself to be true

You may be special but You are not alone
You are not invisible

no one maybe standing at the finish line to  congratulate you on your accomplishments
no one maybe holding out a rose water dipped towel for you to clean yourself off after all the shit you went through
no one maybe there to validate your valor in facing all your demons and monsters

and thats okay
its not about the recognition
fuck the recognition

its about you getting your shine on
and don't worry
eventually the world will see you
forgive you, be drawn to you, love you
but only if you love yourself

You are free to roam about this existence as you see fit
I beg of you
to chose to be fearlessly you
I plead for you
to chose to be happy
I long for you
to forgive others... and yes definitely yourself
I pray that you
fly and shine and weave a story of your own magnificent design


This is the rest of your life
welcome to it
have at it
create it
live it
love it
!!!


xoxoXXX
missrenie: (Default)
That wish list I wrote on here… yeah my first request came in. Clarity.

I have a clear realization that regardless of whether or not I join the Universal Ether or get reincarnated as comfy fat house cat whose owner is rich, childless , reasonably mentally balanced, doesn’t believe in declawing, does believe one pet is enough and is totally enthusiastic about kitty couture, bling and organic salmon dinners.

I have the memory of this one life.

This one only to hold onto in this now and if I am going to live it to the fullest then I have to let go of something.

Or rather some things, some ones and some false perceptions like this fake sense of security and the stifling fear of failure. For nearly three years this 60 to 70 hour working week thing has been the safety wheels on my life.

It’s kept me from falling down and going too fast.
It’s kept me balanced and gave me boundaries
But it also kept me from falling in love (with some exception)
in tale worthy trouble (sort of)
and down this rabbit hole that I’m constantly flirting around the edge of.

I am so so ready to free fall and fly with these wings that have been gifted to me though my own journey thus far, wings that have been pieced together from all this pain, pleasure and joy, pieced together with feathers of love plucked from friends with beautiful souls and mentors of magnificent quality.


It’s all come down to tea…

Which is my personal truth #2

Great Tea is not just tossed together. It is not just an accident. The seed has to be planted, the seed has to grow, the plant must be harvested, the harvest must be separated from the chaff, the leaves must be dried carefully, water must almost boil, then the leaves must regenerated themselves in seemingly opposing elements fire like heat and water, and just when they blossom and unfurl once again releasing like a butterfly emerging from the cocoon their life essence gets taken from them, infused changed into something new. For great tea there must be an even greater patience. I myself and my life itself are no different than the tea.

The things that happen in my life are not just accidents… well not everything :).
Life is like the tea. Sometimes we brew it for ourselves sometimes other people brew it for us. We brew with actions, and reactions and thoughts. We pick our ingredients (actively or passively) … sometimes some bastards sneak up behind you and toss something in the mix. Other times we see them put it in and just let it stay… too lazy to pick it out ourselves, or too afraid to displease them.

And when the tea is done we drink

It tastes like shit
We bitch
And pour another cup
Toast and bottoms up
WTF!!!

If it ain't my cup of tea… why the fuck am I drinking it?! Why complain and then do nothing. Why did I fill myself with the same bitter drink over and over again. Because I was worried that if I spit it out I would look like a stuck up ungrateful bitch, I was worried that it was too late to start a new batch, grow new plants and wait for a new harvest, and no matter how appalling the taste was I knew what to expect… and in that there was comfort despite the discomfort.

My mom is taught me all about tea.

An eon ago she laughed at me when I told her I was hesitant about starting everything over. She said that she understood my fear but that I was a silly hussy for using that as an excuse. "If the shoe is fucking up your foot kick it off and if something in your life, whether it be a person, a thing, a job, a situation a habit is not your cup of tea i.e. .Something suitable, appropriate, or attractive to one stop accepting it in your life. Fill your cup with something else and stop being such a silly hussy."

I did it mama.

I made my own precious ever-changing and evolving brew.
I’m protecting it and not letting sneaky bastards toss things in it I did not choose.
I am not allowing fear to dictate the ingredients of my life.

It’s almost ready and when it’s done the first cup of victory will be raised to you.


oh and Juicy if you are reading this Rubenesque Burlesque is totally a main part of the brew ;)
missrenie: (Default)
 I didn't know it then but I do now
and the knowledge of it is powerful.

You don't know it and even if I told you you would not believe it.  You would not believe me.

But it's true
very true
painfully true
and oh so liberating

The last time you hurt me was the Last time you hurt me.

You will no longer sell me on yourself or your projects or your ideas
You will no longer rip apart my mind, or twist my will, or torment me.
You will no longer guilt me 
I refuse to let you
I refuse to enable you
I refuse to empower  you or aid you in breaking me.

I no longer care that you didn't do the things you did on purpose
I no longer care that you didn't mean to hurt me
I no longer care that you tried your best

The fact is that you DID do those things to me
The fact is that you DID hurt me
The fact is that your best was not good enough

for either of us

and as I listen to Lena fight now
right now against her own version of you
I am cheering her on, admiring her strength, sending her courage

I had the nerve to believe that our relationship was diffrent that you and me were gonna be something.  That we had a chance where she and he didn't.  I was so arrogant so proud.  It wasn't until we talked she and me that we saw how similar we were and how much alike the two of you are.

You are hurting us
You are trying to control us 
You are trying to have us for selfish reasons

We have educated ourselves and eachother
We have admitted our addictions to you
We have committed to catharsis, to change to our own happiness as individuals

We don't need you
But we want you
to leave
us
alone.
missrenie: (Default)
International Relations and Socialization:

Some people have not had the benefit of proper socialization. Instead of blocking these people right off I suggest that we face this issue head on and educate the person on the error of his/her ways. It is always nice to add a personal touch while noting opportunities for personal growth. Please choose your words carefully. Appropriate linguistics is key when dealing with other cultures. Not only does it denote an open and ambassador like nature it also ensures that your point comes across with crystal clarity while drastically lowering any chance for misunderstanding.


For example: At 12:01 Dan wrote and I quote:
DO YOU LIKE CHIN NUTZ X

At 12:03 I replied:
I'm confused...

Was that question an invitation to suck your dick or was that question meant to convey something other than your painfully apparent lack of social skills, class, judgement and grammar?
I would call you a jack ass but you're from across the pond so I'll just call you a wanker instead.
In answer to your question...well that's none of your goddamn business

happy holidays


wanker
:)
missrenie: (Default)









11:37pm last night

(Marylin Manson starts singing tainted love or my phone begins to ring… nameless number)

Me::      Hi this is Irene.
?:          Hi
Me:       Hi
?:          So how have you been?
Me::      Groovy aside from the swine flu
?:          Wow you had that
Me::      yep
?:          Sorry about that.  I heard it was rough
Me::      Like rubbin sandpaper against my vagina...say  who is this?
?:          Stop playing
Me::      No seriously who is this? (I like his voice though)
?:          Robert
Me::      Who?
Robert: Robert
Me::      Hi Robert I think you have the wrong number.
Robert: What... girl how you gonna do me like that?
Me::      Like what?
Robert: Pretending like you don't know me
Me::      I don't know you.
Robert: Yeah you do.  You remember.  I used to do some contract work at ------- We hooked up.
Me: :     Really? (wtf I remember exactly who he is now)
Raptor: Yeah really.  You are starting to hurt my feeling.
Me::      I think you have me confused with someone else.
Raptor: You read my tarot cards after it was scary.
Me::      I read alot of people's tarot cards... after what?
Raptor: You know... after I knocked that bottom out.
Me:: (You mean after you bored me to death with your  disappointment of a sexual performance that indicated that your intimate education came directly of 3rd rate porno clips found for free online and high school locker room lies) Sorry that doesn't narrow anything down for me
Raptor: Damn... you're ice cold you know that?
Me::      Oh yeah I remember you Raptor
Raptor: What
Me::      Robert! (Raptor: the name me and my friends came up with for you since you were a rapper and a vile reptile of a human being)
Raptor: Yeah so how have you been
Me::      Groovy aside from the swine flu
Raptor: Oh yeah sorry about that.
Me::      No problems ( I'm completely prepared to repeat myself because I already know what an idiot you are)
Raptor: So uh I have been thinking about you.  Have you thought about me.
Me::      Oh yeah I think about you too every once and a while (And sometimes I laugh at how stupid I was or shake my head, or cringe)
Raptor: Yeah so I was wondering if I can come over and bring a movie or something and we can talk.
Me::      Hey Ra-Robert can I be completely honest with you.
Raptor: .....
Me::      It's really late to watch a movie and talk.  If your after sex you could just ask me.  We don't have to play games.
Raptor: Damn you have a dirty mind I was not being like that I just wanted to talk
Me::      Sure... you just want me to take some dictation I get it.
Raptor: You haven't changed we had this conversation a year ago
Me::      Yeah over a year ago I think and yes I have changed quite a bit.  My vagina still has teeth though.
Raptor: Haha yeah I remember you saying that you're still crazy
Me::      I sure am
Raptor: So can I come over.
Me::      No
Raptor: Damn girl you know I would treat you right. 
Me:: (I laugh)
Raptor: What
Me::      Dude you suck in bed
Raptor: That’s not what you said last time
Me::      I was lying and trying to be nice but you call me at this hour after a year to try to come over here and fuck me? You're being rude. So I don't have to be nice.
Raptor: So you're angry.  I was just trying to see how you were ...you don't have to be such a bitch. 
Me::      I'm not being a bitch.  I'm being honest you suck at sex.  You fucking suck at fucking.  I had to add a new tag to my life journal called "bad sex".  But I'm over that now.  I am more pissed at being called at this hour like a cheap and desperate slut  I'm a goddamn lady.
Raptor: You're fucking nuts.
Me::      But not your nuts (giggle)
Raptor: Man fuck you
Me::      I told you that I’m a goddamn lady… are  gonna do it right this time?!
Raptor: Hangs up
Me::      kinda disappointed.


But this morning he sends me the following text message:  "Sorry about last night.  I remember you like tea.  Would you like to go get some.  Maybe we can watch a movie and talk later... "

 

Thank you Universe.  I was feeling kinda down but you really know how to make a girl laugh~~~~ 

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