May. 2nd, 2010

missrenie: (Default)
 There are supposedly five stages of grieving and loss and they are as follows:
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

This afternoon I was furious.  How could you after enduring for two weeks what I have endured for  a year and a half give up on me?  How could you be so jealous and immature, so hurtful and cruel?  I wonder as I write this if you meant to push me to my limits.  If you expected me to beg.  If you wanted me to just have the same feeling of fearful loss that you were.  I wonder if you meant for it to go this far.  If you expected me to reign you in.  I was honest with you... I stood my ground and the summation of it all was the non-consensual ending of this relationship we had.

Did the denial come first.  The belief that "we" were strong enough to handle me actually having the relationship you told me I deserved but you were never able to give... or was it in the belief that I would never grow up.  That I would remain this little girl that you had to protect.  You saved me.  You picked up the broken pieces of me, carried me to the tallest tower and put me back together, you taught me how to fly again then continuously cursed me for wanting to taste the wind.

There will be no bargaining for the price is far too high and I have nothing left... I gave you all I had
there will be no depression I've cried for months and months already
there is only now acceptance of the full reality of the situation,
there is only now the relief of no longer being spit apart in countless painful little ways
there is only now gratitude for what was, for your honesty with yourself and your loving me enough to let me go


I'll never have another like You
I'll never be anyone else's young lady

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missrenie

November 2011

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