Jan. 15th, 2010

missrenie: (Default)
For continuity.... my final post on myspace.
(adapted form Clarity and Tea)

Current mood:  accomplished

I'm deleting my account. And this will be my last post here.

I've been through alot in the past couple of years.  I went from an introverted frightened thing to being unabashedly the person I actively choose to be.

For some reason ending this account is like closing not a chapter but a full on book and slipping it onto the shelf.  Next to it lies the dreams others dreamed for me, the heart once torn in two and the spirit that was broken.  Next to it sits all the pessimistic things, the anger, the cutting, the blaming of others,  the silly useless fears the overwhelming voices in my head that said
You can't because:
You are too fat
You are too worthless
You are too stupid

To be brazen, to be wild, to be desired, to dance, to strip, to laugh, to experience pain-pleasure and rebirth again.

I often said that it is not that serious
but it is.
I've come a distance from who I used to be and I have a hell of a long way to go but this is what I have learned and accepted as my own truth:

Regardless of whether or not you join the Universal Ether or get reincarnated as comfy fat house cat whose owner is rich, childless , reasonably mentally balanced, doesn’t believe in declawing, does believe one pet is enough and is totally enthusiastic about kitty couture, bling and organic salmon dinners.

You have the memory of this one life.

This one only to hold onto in this now and in order to live it to the fullest you might have to let go of something.

Or rather some things, some ones and some false perceptions

It’s all come down to tea…

Which is my personal truth #2

Great Tea is not just tossed together. It is not just an accident. The seed has to be planted, the seed has to grow, the plant must be harvested, the harvest must be separated from the chaff, the leaves must be dried carefully, water must almost boil, then the leaves must regenerated themselves in seemingly opposing elements fire like heat and water, and just when they blossom and unfurl once again releasing like a butterfly emerging from the cocoon their life essence gets taken from them, infused changed into something new. For great tea there must be an even greater patience. You and your life itself are no different than the tea.

The things that happen in your life are not just accidents… well not everything :).
Life is like the tea. Sometimes you brew it for yourselves sometimes other people brew it for you. We brew with actions, and reactions and thoughts. We pick our ingredients (actively or passively) … sometimes some bastards sneak up behind you and toss something in the mix. Other times we see them put it in and just let it stay… too lazy to pick it out ourselves, or too afraid to displease them.

And when the tea is done we drink

It tastes like shit
We bitch
And pour another cup
Toast and bottoms up

If it ain't your cup of tea… why the fuck are youdrinking it?! Why complain and then do nothing. Why fill ourselves with the same bitter drink over and over again.
Because we worry that if we  spit it out we would look stuck up ungrateful?

Or is it because we worry that it is too late to start a new batch, grow new plants and wait for a new harvest?

Or because no matter how appalling the taste was  we know what to expect… and in that there is comfort despite the discomfort. 

My mom taught me all about tea.

An eon ago she laughed at me when I told her I was hesitant about starting everything over. She said that she understood my fear but that I was a silly hussy for using that as an excuse. "If the shoe is fucking up your foot kick it off and if something in your life, whether it be a person, a thing, a job, a situation a habit is not your cup of tea i.e. .Something suitable, appropriate, or attractive to one stop accepting it in your life. Fill your cup with something else and stop being such a silly hussy."

So I say to you
who ever is reading this

Spit out all those lies the proverbial "they" told you, spit out all those fears you convinced yourself to be true

You may be special but You are not alone
You are not invisible

no one maybe standing at the finish line to  congratulate you on your accomplishments
no one maybe holding out a rose water dipped towel for you to clean yourself off after all the shit you went through
no one maybe there to validate your valor in facing all your demons and monsters

and thats okay
its not about the recognition
fuck the recognition

its about you getting your shine on
and don't worry
eventually the world will see you
forgive you, be drawn to you, love you
but only if you love yourself

You are free to roam about this existence as you see fit
I beg of you
to chose to be fearlessly you
I plead for you
to chose to be happy
I long for you
to forgive others... and yes definitely yourself
I pray that you
fly and shine and weave a story of your own magnificent design

This is the rest of your life
welcome to it
have at it
create it
live it
love it



missrenie: (Default)

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