It's not that serious

 There are supposedly five stages of grieving and loss and they are as follows:
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

This afternoon I was furious.  How could you after enduring for two weeks what I have endured for  a year and a half give up on me?  How could you be so jealous and immature, so hurtful and cruel?  I wonder as I write this if you meant to push me to my limits.  If you expected me to beg.  If you wanted me to just have the same feeling of fearful loss that you were.  I wonder if you meant for it to go this far.  If you expected me to reign you in.  I was honest with you... I stood my ground and the summation of it all was the non-consensual ending of this relationship we had.

Did the denial come first.  The belief that "we" were strong enough to handle me actually having the relationship you told me I deserved but you were never able to give... or was it in the belief that I would never grow up.  That I would remain this little girl that you had to protect.  You saved me.  You picked up the broken pieces of me, carried me to the tallest tower and put me back together, you taught me how to fly again then continuously cursed me for wanting to taste the wind.

There will be no bargaining for the price is far too high and I have nothing left... I gave you all I had
there will be no depression I've cried for months and months already
there is only now acceptance of the full reality of the situation,
there is only now the relief of no longer being spit apart in countless painful little ways
there is only now gratitude for what was, for your honesty with yourself and your loving me enough to let me go


I'll never have another like You
I'll never be anyone else's young lady

I didn't use to care.

I never cared.

I mean as long as it fit and I could get from point A to point B comfortably it was all gravy on mama's Sunday best biscuits as far as I was concerned.

But then somewhere around eight or nine months ago He said to me. "I like heels. I think they are hot" and something switched.

Haha switch anyways...

I found my first pair courtesy of Auntie Shadow at Leather Masters. She went through the styles, pros and cons with the confident finesse of a sultry sage I was still very new to all of this... so new what my bottom was still smarting from my fifth ever flogging and consequently complained loudly as I sat down to try on a pair of six inch patent leather platform stilettos with steel grommets accenting the ankle straps.

I stood up... and kept standing. I was pretty sure my nose was going to bleed from the height. And even though I teetered and tottered I dared not take a step. One miscalculation and knew I was headed straight into the boxes and out through the glass. I was already light headed and tumescent from the delicious smell of all that leather.

Auntie Shadow put a steadying hand on my arm and smiled warmly as she asked how I felt in them. When I told her I wasn't sure but they looked nice and fit well she nodded with compassionate understanding and told me to stay for a bit and walk around for a while before I considered purchasing them.

"These are going to take some getting used too." I said gripping her shoulder for a moment.

"Most things that are worth it do"

"I have to get used to them today. Edges is having a prom and..."

"Oh yes I know. " She said with another one of those disarmingly charismatic smiles. “... what are you wearing?"

"I have no idea... I had not thought past the shoes!"

I felt like some kind of twisted Cinderella as I tried on a few things she tossed my way while she told me about the kinky community. In that half an hour I learned alot from listening quietly even though my feet were screaming... she imparted knowledge without even knowing she was doing it. She left a few times to check out costumers and make sure her patrons were comfortable.

I remember three women and one man walking in together. The purchases consisted of two collars a set of metal nipple clamps that looked absolutely vicious. When they left Auntie Shadow noticed me staring after them.

"What is it?"

"They look so normal"

"So do you"

I laughed so hard I nearly fell over.
It was a vast relief to know that the lady knitting a scarf for her grandchild could just as easily scratch those needles up and down my spine, that the guy who fixed my car last week might actually be up for bending my over his knee and spanking me... all of a sudden I didn't feel alone.

In the end I purchased the shoes and my own pair of slightly less vicious nipple clamps along with a few odds and ends that I can not even begin to recount now. As soon as I got home I took the shoes out of the box and stared at them. My toes were recoiling at the thought of being in them again. But my heart was beating with joy at the thought of Daddy's pleasure when he would catch sight of me in them for the first time.

And He was pleased :) even though I was miserable at walking for more than five minutes in them.

When I got home I put the shoes on my kink altar. It didn't seem right to stuff them in a box again... besides I was pissed at them... or rather pissed that my body was neither strong nor graceful enough to handle them.


 

So I did what any girl in her right mind would do in my situation...

I took to doing housework in them to the shock of my roommate her boyfriend and sometimes visitors. I cooked in them, dusted in them, mopped in them(not a good idea). I even went to payless and bought 3 inch normal heels to get myself into shoe shape. I thew out all my non heels save a pair of sneakers and committed myself to conquering those damn stilettos.

I even had conversations with them. I wanted them to know that they were gonna be my bitch someday soon. That my will was stronger than a few aches and pains and pvc. That I was not meant to merely step in these sons of beyotches... noooo I was gonna strut in them.

It was all very "when Tom Hanks met Wilson the Soccerball"

It was kind of Invictus all steeming from that special hell.

You know the one where they send child molesters and people who talk in the theater.

But I did it. after I got over the pain after I built the right muscles in the right places after I learned balance I did it.

Today around 1:30pm I caught myself fawning over another pair I spotted online... another pair I want to break in and own. Another pair that would please Daddy ever so much. I realized in that moment that for the past couple of months I have been doing that. Getting distracted by shoes… all sorts. That when I think of them my head tilts to the side and I clench on the inside a little.

Its not about the sexy

well okay that's a lie. They make my legs look a mile long, lift my ass, accentuate the swish and pretty up the profile but it’s also about conquering something

conquering myself

and that in the end

is really what gets my pussy purring~~~~~~