Apr. 21st, 2010

missrenie: (Default)
The silence would not have been awkward if I wasn't so obviously lacking in self confidence. You were staring at me again. With that look that instinctively makes me shut up and wanna wipe the left side of my nose to check if something is hanging there.

I have, in the past brushed this feeling aside. But I couldn't this time. I was frustrated and exhausted by spending the last two hours trying not to hold your hand for fear that I had misinterpreted what ever this thing between us was. Plus you're so damn tall. Or at least tall enough to give me that damn look down your nose which makes me feel even smaller.

I turn away from you lean against my trunk and give up.
"I have no idea what to say to you anymore"

"Then I'll talk" you say. We are both silent until I look back up at you. That face you make intensifies for a moment and if I wasn't already leaning against something I would have taken a step back. But it breaks and you actually kinda smile. And I soon realize that it is really your "I want to tell you something but I'm nervous/unsure of myself/think you're totally cute" face. And that I have been seeing it for months now.

"Weeks ago you told me how you felt and when I didn't have an answer for you, you said it was alright, that you were just going to be there and that I was going to fall for you anyway?" I don't remember saying anything that cock-sure... out loud. I simultaneously mentally pat myself on the back and kick myself "You were right. I can't stop thinking about you. And I figured I should tell you before you pounced on someone else, or someone else pounces on you or I lost my nerve."

And we talked, really talked out there in that cold parking lot. You looking directly at me, being completely forward and open with me while I nervously fumbled with my keys. For a moment I wonder if this is how I made you feel when I confessed. Kinda warm and infuriatingly stupid. When you finish all I can say is that you have to use your words with me because I am neurotic. I'll learn your tells eventually but that you have to talk to me. I tell you how I wanted to wrap my arm through yours in the movie theater and you very simply say almost emotionlessly say, almost a-matter-of-factly say that I should have. Damn Vulcan.

"Well I know that I can now!!!" And I feel like I am complaining so I just reach out and hug you. I press my head against your chest and wrap my arms around you and when you put your arms around me. Both arms for the first time and brush your fingers up and down my back I understand that feeling I have been writing about since I was 13. And it's a surprise to me that in 28 years of living, in 9 years of a relationship, after experiencing several different types of touch from many different people that this is the first time I have felt this ...complete and utter relief of being safely encircled and accepted. You lean into me as much as I am leaning into you. And it feels good.

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missrenie

November 2011

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