Feb. 8th, 2010

missrenie: (Default)
Yesterday I was involved in something very ugly and deeply personal.

I was vomiting

In the middle of rehearsals I was face in toilet retching and sobbing.

Not because of the pain.  Oh I had gotten used to that.  I was crying because I was alone and there is nothing like being so sick that you have to make a diplomatic decision with regard to which end hits the throne first to remind you just how alone you are.  Add insult to injury... they were out of toilet paper which was a pure de la bitch since I had to hurry up and get outside because I had locked my damn keys in my car and AAA was gonna be there any minute.

I had locked my keys in my car because I wasn't thinking... I could not remember the code because I was exhausted from spending the early morning hours in the ER.  Which is probably why I was royally screwed when it came to the whole throne incident.  Steriods are not with out their side effects.  But I had little choice about the roids since my throat was being a complete cunt and swelling.  

This totally annoys me because. I'm rather fond of breathing and swallowing.
(and don't linger on the word swallow you dirty minded freaks)

It's embarrassing.
Not the bodily functions but the reason why I was crying

I'm blessed.
I get sick and its like the almighty PTA phone tree was alerted.
Friends call, soup get brought, I'm tucked into bed, given juice and oranges and company.
I'm sent hugs and affection by those who know me
so I am 
beyond a doubt 
blessed

Its embarrassing because I feel like a weak ungrateful idiot for crying because someone was not holding my hair back.  
I have hair clips for that by the way.
Holding my hair back
I'm prepared.
I found paper
even though my ass now hates me
I'm resourceful and a masochist...
I bantered with the AAA guy when he poked fun at me
Even though I wanted to kick him
then kiss him for opening my car
I'm courteous


And I'm grateful
I am grateful to you
You who are reading this right now and I want thank you for being here for me.  I really do.
 
And maybe this is guilt, maybe a confession, an apology to you... all of you
But yesterday in Oakland while I was on my knees losing everything in me
I just want to go home
to be wrapped in someone's arms
and them to tell me  that everything was gonna be okay
That this whole crazy transition, this leap of faith, this course I've put my feet on.... that it is all okay.  That I didn't have to be so strong all the time.  That they were gonna stand sentient while I slept for a while.  While I rested and healed they like love's solider would stand guard  over me and slay all the dragons of my sleeping fears and living nightmares.


It was a deeply personal moment 
It was a very ugly moment

It was a human moment and while I am human I can not get over how weak and selfish I felt for this desire.  

For someone
who I put first
who puts me first
who is strong enough
to allow me to be
completely and utterly weak when I need to be.

It was this sort of blind romantic thinking like this that got kept screwed for years. And not matter how much I try to change it I keep coming back to it.  I tried to prove to myself that I could survive on my own.  I took two jobs, I worked full time and went to school full time, I helped turn Circle to Coven, I provided support for others while asking little or nothing for myself (to their total fustration).  I moved mountains, walked on fire, swam naked, danced mostly naked, did things I had fear of simply because I feared them,  beaten a raging screaming depression into a most often dismiss-able, laughable mew, and transformed debilitating introversive behavior into bold exhibitionism and enthusiastic extrovertism.

I'm struggling sooo much to be the joyful, loving, free, adventurous, spiritual, uplifting change I would like to see in the world
For me
For my small world
and while I cringe to admit it for that person
This being I have yet to met or have revealed to me.

I'm not looking for this person right now
but that doesn't mean that I don't want them

I'll keep going forward cause I still have a long way to go...
I'll keep enjoying this journey... even the fucked up parts
I understand that my life is now
right now!
It won't end when they enter it
And it certainly won't begin when they get here
if they get here

That wasn't meant to seem as depreciating as it sounds btw.  As I write this the sun is coming up, I can hear day birds outside my window, my mind is filling with all the wonderful things I get to do today!!!! My black humor is already weaving yesterdays trials into a laughable tale.
Its only the time in the early morning... when the night has been so long that I have forgotten the sun that I warm myself with thoughts of this person who may never be, who has neither name, nor sex, nor history only the compatible ambitious deep hungry loving energy that syncs naturally with mine.

But until then
if then
through, during and after then
I having loving friends amazing family

and
I'll always have my hairclips

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missrenie: (Default)
missrenie

November 2011

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