Feb. 2nd, 2010

missrenie: (Default)
 I hate that I am beginning to think that I have outgrown you.
I feel guilty for even letting such a thought cross my mind.

But the truth is that this safe space you made for me is quickly becoming a cage.  And sometimes when I try to push my boundaries instead of giving and being flexible you restrain, hold me in.  And this is the worst possible thing to do with a person whose spirit is like the wind.

You are afraid of losing me and it is translating directly to jealousy and this is something that I refuse to deal with.  My gratitude has allowed me to deal with it thus far. My love for you has allowed me to try to work through it but with each harsh word, each unreturned I love you, each cold shoulder you give me makes it impossible for me to ignore.

There are several little painful pin pricks of examples I could cite, but of all of them this is the worst:

~the way you tell me that I should "go do what I feel I need to do"  in your abrupt condescending way which implies that my wanting to play with another person or even desiring to be with a person who could love me without restraints,  who could love me the way you love your wife is utterly selfish and unjustified.

You said you felt used
and it cut me deeply because I absolutely adore you enough to let you use me
like some nova geisha doll that sat idle on a shelf coming alive
only when you touched her
only when you had time to play

I'm worth more than dust
You taught me that
I am worthy of love without restrictions
You taught me that
I am worthy of gentleness, great passion, partnership
You taught me that

You also taught me to demand more of the people in my life
to not take shit
but this darling is what you are giving me
the same rules that you apply to everyone else
applies to you
because you have taught me exceptionally well.

For once
I will be rational
I will be logical

When I tell you this
When I look you in the eyes and tell you how much I really do love you and how much I really do care
And I sincerely hope you look through your fear and see me
and how much more I can give  
if you allow me the freedom to give  and receive to and from others
because if you don't  I have one last thing to give you

 this collar you gave me back.


missrenie: (Default)

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