Apr. 2nd, 2010

missrenie: (Default)
Do I have  a talent for misinterpretation?
Maybe its all the cough medicine that I have been on.  It's addled my brain.  That has to be it!
I mean that has to be the reason that I have been misreading the cards that were laid out over the past few weeks right.

Actually I feel stupid for being this shocked about it all.
I feel silly for being emotional 
and then maybe I am misreading things again...

What the hellz am I talking about it is exactly what it appears to be
stupid stupid stupid 

argh!!!
gawdamnt

I can't even be upset about anything
What did I expect?!
I knew this would happen.
What am I cursed or something?!

Is it that fucking Curvy Girl Syndrome?
Am I too intimidating, aggressive, wild or otherwise insane for someone to claim me as primary.   Btw Magnoliah Black is my stage persona not a split personality you icky bastardos.  Just because I won't fuck you doesn't mean that she will.  Stop asking whether or not she can come out to play.  

Is it that I am hunting "normal"  or mostly normal or mostly harmless?!
Please don't tell me that I am condemned to be with someone exactly like me:  Poly, Pagan,Pansexual, Kinky, Neurotic- Multi-tasker who seeks random thrills  while being overtly social which adds to her stress triggered OCD... thats a suicide mission of epic proportion.  Don't make me do it!!!!  The thought of it exhausts me.


Or is it the damage....
 Have I been so damaged in the past that I am drawn to anyone who is nice to me.  Have I been so destroyed that I mistake kindness from something more that what it is.

I think... more than anything that its the damage.
and what I am feeling now is shock that I still after all this time am so fucking soft, so hungry for affection that I still can't shake that "us" concept.  That "us" programing that has been bred into me via mom and media and TLC(the network)  I'm not crying over the loss of something I never had.  But I am weeping out of frustration from my own weakness.  My own readiness to believe in fairy tales.  My own obviously suicidal longing to jump yet again into waters that nearly drowned me.

Isn't there some pill
some salve
some cure for this disease?

Something to alleviate this discomfort
quench this burning desire
quiet this internal cry?

And even as I write this I know snuffing out that part of myself would be snuffing out my power source.  I am a creature of driven, emotional and illogical passions.
I love who I am and this
all of this
is just a consequence of being the woman that I chose to be.... 

or
maybe....


by the sweet green GODDESS I'm probably just hormonal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


 

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missrenie

November 2011

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