missrenie: (Default)
neil:  I just started my savings account at Bank of America

groovy groovy :)

neil:  so you should give me money

me:  umm.....
neil:  go ahead

me:  no thank you I'm good

neil:  feel free
         well your not anymore

me:  thanks for your consideration but really its alright

neil:  don't you think I should be the judge of that?>

me:  I am totally GOOD
         judge of what?  my goodness or my money?

your goodness and MY money that you are holding on to
         its mine so hand it over

me:  hey you aren't my pimp so you have zero say over that!!!
         now if you took up the job of pimping me (which isn't easy) they we can talk
fine I will become your pimp
         but just to let you know
         there will be some changes
         from now on we are going to go for higher volume at a reduced rate
         so get out there and start whorin!

me:  not so fast you have to fill out an application first. and there is a practical exam regarding skills such as swagger, bling and the overall   bitch slap.  I personally don't think your are gonna pass the verbal.

neil:  I think the sheer amount of respect that my pimp slap will envoke will make up for my low scores in other areas
 me:  while it is true that the pimp slap does comprise 30 percent of all scoring you still have another 70% to account for
          I suggest you get up to speed byupdating your linguistics via urban dictionary.

neil:  I think you might be over exaggerating. The only words I need to know for this job are bitch, money and blumpkin.
That is our main marketing strat.  we are going to corner the market on blumpkins
me:  See this is why you are going to make a horrible pimp.  First your sense of business ethics is all wrong..."higher volume at a reduced rate" unless you are going to get a fleet of whores you will wear them out before you get your money's worth.  
        2nd I don't do blumpkins.  That causes gaging and clients should not get what they did not pay for.  That kind of freakishness is extra. Honestly where are your values?
         3rd language is essential.  There are times when you will need to communicate with the client.  While bitch and money are universal.  There are also ways to detail what happens to the client should he  damage your property.
         I mean duh
neil:  Irene
          its this kind of sass that makes the bitch slap necessary
          the fact of the matter is your input is not needed.
          I am the pimp
          you are the ho
          so get to ho'in!

me:  Fail
missrenie: (Default)

I just ran across a gem from my OkCupid days and had so post it for posterity’s sake. Name changed to protect the highly bloggable guilty


Magnoliah: good for you


Magnoliah: I said good for you not for me

Phil: UR PROLLI RIGHT (I think he meant poly)

Magnoliah: I am polyamorous yes… you left off the amorous part.  Besides your use of caps offends my vision as does your approach.

Phil: ME 2                                         

Magnoliah: then why do you persist in using all caps.

Magnoliah: just purely out of interest... has I want to beat that ever worked for you in the past?


Magnoliah: lol not this time darling . The caps are making my eyes bleed.


Phil: Beaten until everything below your waist was sore?

Magnoliah: thank you for removing the caps... and just to be clear by beaten do you mean fucked?

Phil: Indeed                            

Magnoliah: ah then yes

Phil: Fucked like you stole something

Magnoliah :yes

Phil: Yes you have or yes you liked it

Magnoliah: yes to both

Phil: Then you should let me beat that

Magnoliah:I don't follow your logic

Phil:  u don’t have 2 follow u just gotta lay there I got the rest.

Magnoliah: You’re knocking on my door the wrong way or maybe you are knocking on the wrong door.  I am kinky and wild and a fucking freak but I have to have more interest than getting beaten until I am sore in order to allow myself to get beaten until I am sore… follow?

Phil: wrong door wrong language wrong day

Magnoliah: Sadly so sweetness. Good luck …finding the right door that is ;) and when you do may you knock it the fuck out.

Phil: Aww ur cute

Phil: thx

Phil: peace

Magnoliah: peace :)


missrenie: (Default)

Chat Dude:     Stats

Me:                  ?

Chat Dude:     M/W/S/36/6’4/170, 10

Me:                  ?

Chat Dude:     male,white,single, 36 years old, six feet and inches, 170 lbs,

10 inches of pleasure for you.

Me:                  Don’t mess with me.  You’ll end up blogged.

Chat Dude:     blogged?

Me:                  Yeah blogged big time

Chat Dude:     Do you always threaten men like that?

Me:                  Yeah I threaten women that way too.

Chat Dude:     so what do you blog sexy?

Me:                  things that tickle or traumatize me

Chat Dude:     Can I tickle you?

Me:                  no, but that question is creepy and kind of traumatizing

Chat Dude:     You’re funny

Me:                  I’ve been told

Chat Dude:     i bet you have

Me:                  You’re sarcastic

Chat Dude:     i’ve been told

Me:                 I bet you have

Chat Dude:     what’s your stats

Me:                  this again?

Chat Dude:     what’s the matter r u shy.

Me:                  F/B/S/27/5’6/150/DD

Chat Dude:     Wow really J

Me:                  No, not really I lied about my weight

Chat Dude:     Are you a little chubby?

Me:                  No, I’m fat.

Chat Dude:     I like fat girls

Me:                  has that ever worked for you?

Chat Dude:     Is it working now?

Me:                  No

Chat Dude:     You’re the exception

Me:                  I’m glad

Chat Dude:     So when can I fuck you?

Me:                  When you speak to me with more than one sentence

Chat Dude:     So when can I fuck you?  Please?

Me:                  You’re kindah of charmingly single minded you know that?

Chat Dude:     Is it working?

Me:                  No

Chat Dude:     but I spoke 2 u in more than one sentence.  

Me:                  wow I guess that makes me a liar

Chat Dude:     you seemed like a good girl

Me:                  you don’t know me so you don’t know what I seem like

Chat Dude:     so are u  a bad girl… what bad things are you doing to yourself right now

Me:                  talking to you

Chat Dude:     really I’m hard for you now

Me:                  I’m at work

Chat Dude:     kinky, so am I

Me:                  okay g2g

Chat Dude:     you gonna leave me like this

Me:                  yep, good luck.

(switch to invisible… 5 mins later)

Chat Dude:     I know ur there. U were mean to me but you can make it up.

Me:                  I’m blocking you now.

Chat Dude:     you have a lot of making up to do

Me:                  lol

Chat Dude:     look don’t block me.  Let me send you a pic

Me:                  as long as it’s not of your penis

Chat Dude:     let me send you another pic

Me:                  you’re cute… I’m still going to blog you

Chat Dude:     did I tickle you J

Me:                  maybe

Chat Dude:     you know the size of my dick will traumatize you

Me:                  what are we 16?

Chat Dude:     I wanna get to know you

Me:                  get in line I wanna get to know me too

Chat Dude:     send me a pic

Me:                  no

Chat Dude:     but I sent you mine

Me:                  I didn’t ask for it

Chat Dude:     come on.  please.  see more that one sentence.

Chat dude:      wow you are fat but your beautiful

Me:                  jesus why am I still chatting with you

Chat dude:      using your word. you have a nice smile too.

Me:                  please don’t stoke off to that

Chat dude:      no promises… you are really cute. funny too

Me:                  I’ve been told

Chat dude:      I’m telling you again. I’d like to chat with you more.


Me:                  I’m not fucking you.

Chat dude:      You don’t know that yet.

Me:                  I’m serious…i'm wearing iron underwear and  I’m like a mountain. 

I shall not be moved

Chat dude:      Then I’ll be like the wind. 

Me:                  You’ve switched tactics.

Chat dude:      You’ve noticed.

Me:                  Don’t attempt to woo me with adult conversation

Chat dude:      Why is it your kryptonite.

Me:                  bah!

Chat dude:      Add me to friends please

Me:                  No

Chat dude:      Please?

Me:                  Fine

Chat dude:      I’ll stop bothering you now so you can get back to work. 

I hope to talk with you later

Me:                  I’m grumbling and rolling my eyes.

Chat dude:      that’s a good sign… have a nice day my fat goddess

Me:                   mother of christ your full of it


And so he disappears into the ether... 


missrenie: (Default)

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