It's not that serious

Me:      I wanna chat with -----   but I don't know if I should
            I think I will just stay hidden from him

 

Kris:    is he on?

 

Me:      yep

 

Kris :   do you think that maybe he might think you're avoiding him?

 

Me:      snap monkey I wouldn't want that
            im ignoring Jim not him
            I'm just afraid of being like hi hi hi hi and he really not interested and all that fire cracking was on my   
            side and not his

 

Kris:    then you type "sup"

 

Me:      lol
            okay I can do that
            it can't be only  on my side he was so intense
            gah
            im over thinking
            besides its just fun right
            just fun
            fuck it I have to just say that over and over again

 

Kris:    why are you being like me 2 years ago?

 

Me:      karma, karma being the little bitch whore she is
            anyway  should I put a smiley face behind the sup?
            or should I not
            or should I say hey you since sup is so leet speak
            or should I say sup you?

            wtf is wrong with me
            was it that good that I am stupid
            fuck
            okay
            did you hear that
            I just slapped myself
           maybe that gave me a bit more sense

 

Kris:    SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT
            you're pissing me off and I'm going to have to fucking slap you tomorrow

 

Me:      i typed in hiyah
            its my compromise

 

Kris:    ok

 

Me:      this is crazy
            god damnt you know what I am getting a vibrator and calling it a fuckin day
            I swear
            I am not allowed to date
            this is turning me stupid
            fuck men
            fuck women too
            I’m going to be a nun from now on

 

Kris:    yeah ok
            that won't last

 

Me:     hey can we trade the honesty for a little support here!
           Seriously next time I go out with anyone im wearing my cast iron drawers…well unless its Mr Studd

 

Kris:    yeah he's cute
            freaky but cute
            and that's how Christian Bale was in American Psycho

 

Me:      cute and freaky?

 

Kris:    and scary with a fucking saw

 

Me:      well thanks for ruining Mr Studd FOUREV’ERRRR
             this is that honesty thing again isn't it?
             I see what you did there

 

Kris:    safety before pleasure

 

 

Fuck it:
as in fuck this shit
as in walk away from it all from everything or everyone

or

Fuck it:
as in fuck this shit
as in pick up and keep going, keep moving forward

it may seem like I am inching forward
small moves
step by step
but when I look behind me and see exactly how far I have come I am amazed and I am proud

I can beat myself up for not yet being the person I want to be
I can wallow in the shame of the things that I have done
I can run away and begin again
but sooner or later it will catch my ass
like that whupin mama promised you for something you know you shouldn't have done

so instead
I will face it
I will learn
I will deal with it

I've done some shitty things
I acknowledge that
and it hurts.
To know that I have hurt others
it's a whirlwind to think your shit don't stink
and then to find out that you got the funkiest stuff around

I am sorry to all the people I trampled along the way to figuring the things out that I am finding out now. I know there are no words... there are only actions

Honestly i've spouted off so much bullshit
that I've got a funny taste in my mouth
I don't want it any more

I'm committed
I'm not depressed
in some deep dark crazy oh help me thing
I'm not angry
Im not looking to give righteous self justification,
Im not looking to get forgiveness
not any more

Fuck that

Cause no one can give me that which I have not given myself

What I'm looking for is my own reflection
What I'm going to get is my own redemption