missrenie | Entries tagged with ha

On Thursdays nights for two hours I become one of the people that I like to make fun of. I go completely incommunicado. I enter this stupefied state where I scream or mutter the following at the television:
"Oh no she/he didn't.
That whore.
That's right Betty... FUCK EM
Oh Dr. McDreamy
Oh my Goddess
But she's never removed a shard of glass from a persons heart who is attached to another person via impalement by two yard metallic pole
Oh Dr. McSteamy
Omg George when the hell are your balls gonna drop?!"

It was during a particularly thrilling episode of Grey's Anatomy that this came on

After the initial shock I laughed until I almost could have taken the test right then and there.
I had so many questions
What the hell is that about?
Was it a pregnancy test?
Who the hell are they marketing that too?
Did I miss something?
Are men able to become pregnant now too?
Who the hell did it?
Is it the same guy that does all the razor ads?
Seriously my eyes were burning. I think that the disembodied stream of urine edgy as it was, was still a bit much.
And that voice!!!
The most sophisticated piece of technology you will ever pee on!!!!
If I ever sent Terick to the store for a pregnancy test would that be the one he would get... would it make him feel more manly standing in line... would he feel better knowing that he had provided me with the most technologically advanced early detection unit to date.
If I ever sent Terick for the test.
Most likely it would be my own little private freak out
and a pregnancy test that's shaped like a penis is not invited.
I wonder what would happen if the same people started marketing tampons and pads.

Current Mood: confused

“But you’ll always be a little bit heavy” She said brushing the crumbs from her big mac off of her sweater. “Besides who cares what you look like.. you already got a man who wants to marry you.”

“I care” I say trying not to stare directly into the beckoning depths of meat, cheese, meat and pickles. I take a swig of aquafina and chant thou shalt not lust, thou shalt not lust over and over to myself

“No you care that other people care.”
I was quiet because it was partially true.

“Well I don’t feel like a woman any more… My period has been missing for seven years,sure it made a brief come back but it lasted as long as that guy from new kids from the block. I shave more often than Terick, I have forgotten where my waist is, i’m to embarrassed to guess, my shoes don’t quite fit, I have hypertension and I’m pre-diabetic and my clothes cost 5 to 10 dollars more because of the extra fabric.”

“Menstruation is messy… I wish mine would go away. Anything else.” She says polishing off the burger… I wanted to lick the paper.

“Yes this goddamn under wire bra is killing me because it is too small but I can not afford to order my size off line… and I’m uncomfortable on long flights”

“If you loose weight your tits will shrivel”

She had me… she knows I love my breasts I even gave them names. I looked down my bra and imagined them giving me precious moments eyes… don’t abandon us they whimpered in unison.

“Gah!!!!” I say hungrily inhaling the fumes of charbroiled mystery meat “You don’t understand.”

“I understand you’re flipping the hell out… maybe you should eat something”

“I don’t want anything from here” I say taking a rather long prolonged glance at the value menu

“Yes you do”
damn she was right about that too.

“Lets get out of here”

“K” She shrugs “You know you should love yourself… forget what everyone else says you are fine just the way you are. Besides You’ll always be a little bit heavy” She says as she retrieved whats left of her evil Starbuck’s Frap

She’s right about that too. She was right about everything except one.

-I should love myself…by doing whats right for myself.

-I am fine just the way I am… but fine is not good enough. I want to be outstanding, I want to be healthy, I want to be strong,

-Menstrual cycles are messy

-My boobs will shrink but maybe that is a plus because I am lugging around DDs.

*******But I will not always be a little bit heavy!!!!!!

My body is a temple where nobody worships anymore… well my fiance worships on a regular basis but I really should be the main matron.

Step One
-locate my reasons for doing this    *Done
-create a plan                                              *Done
-implement plan                                         *Done
-change plan as necessary                     *Done
-find a support group                                 *Done 43 things :)
-find better friends............................................................................................ an ongoing process ;)

See more progress on: Lose 150 pounds

Current Mood: cheerful

I'm sure that the 9:15 commuters at the corner of Market and St John did not need to see black lady beaver before their first cup of coffee, but that is just what they got.
It's an usually windy day here in San Jose. As I crossed the street to collect the mail from the P.O. Box Jack Frost got a little frisky and goosed me in the middle of the intersection. As I grabbed the front of my dress the wind changed directions and the back of my skirt flew up. Visions of childhood flashed through my head.

I was seven
we were at the zoo
fell out the back of the bus
my skirt covered my head,

I was ten
walking home from school while eating a snow cone,
stumble and fall flat on my face
skirt went up in front of main crush.
exposing bright pink and blue "Today is Tuesday" underwear
it was a Friday.

I was twelve
on the playground
running backwards, feet leaving the earth
fingers spiking back the volleyball
a football zoom past my line of vision
really disorientating mid air collision
Waking up to hear in a daze
"Someone pull her skirt down over her legs"

And it goes on and on
A really horrendous haiku

So when it happened today I turned tail and ran into the office and begged Dennis to get the mail for me... anytime before martini hour is really too early to relive some of your most embarrassing moments.

Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: The Big Lebowski: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

( In response to Chris being crazy)
You're not nuts
I wanted a paper ballot too
but I guess someone remembered me raising hell from the last time they tried to get me to do the e-vote.
Man the bitch rose up hard that time
(le sigh)
it was great

Then
me: can I have a paper ballot please
lady: e-voting it much better have you tried it before
me: no and I don't want too today may I please have a paper ballot
lady: well I checked you off for e-voting... I'm sure we can find someone to help you through it your first time
me: will I get a receipt for e-voting
lady2: no ... but you get this sticker
me: (looking at lady 2 as if she had lost her goddamn mind)
lady1: It's really easy and your already marked for e-voting-
me:(music from Mosh playing in my head rather loudly which means I have to speak louder to hear my own voice over it) It was said that we get to see a receipt for electronic voting right?
lady1: (eyeing me as if I was a crazy black person) well the receipts are not available
me: (Mosh still playing) well then I want a paper ballot... since I can not verify my vote using the machines. This is an important election. What if there is some kind of glitch or TAMPERING how could you tell if there was no paper trail?
guy: is there a problem here?
me: (with righteous indignation)no I just want to exercise my right to vote on paper ballot (in my head: you rat bastard mother fuckers trying to keep the people down... if your not with us... your against us... try me.. Try Me.... TRY ME.)
guy:(ushering me to the side and giving me a paper ballot) This way please
me: damn no fight... oh well.
But on the plus side everyone behind me got paper ballots.

Now
Instead of giving me the same type of hell this year
Maybe it was because I was wearing a black shirt that read
I love punk
I love glam
I love soul
I love rock-n-roll
and had my locks tussled and disorderly
they just made some weird statement
while avoiding eye contact
that sounded like I was being read my Miranda rights or some shit
took the pages right out of the book
sat me out in the open
And some lady who volunteered sat next to me while I filled it out
I didn't give a damn.
Got my I voted sticker
and bounced

As long as I can im voting paper... even if it ends up in the bay you hear me!!!!!!
and im going to bitch about e-voting
because they PROVED that shit can be hacked even after you are shown your receipt
hahahahahah
good times

Current Mood: predatory

Have you ever wished for something

like if I had/killed __________ my life would be__________ and I could tell __________ to suck my big ________/ lick my__________ and go to ________ in a ________

well while browsing livejournal I found a cute little community based on some other online community where you grant someone else's wish with horrifying consequences... its called the corrupted wish game and is a breeding ground for slightly warped minds...
I would blog more about it but im to busy reading
and wondering whose wish I want to grant next

Current Mood: inappropriately amused

I went out to dinner with Chris last night
I thought it was going to be just to two of us but it wasn't.
She was meeting some friends.

Round One:
Me: Oh *** wow you've lost so much weight since I have seen you last
#1: 30 pounds
Me: 30 hmm... it looks like so much more
#1: ...
Me: I don't mean that in a bad way... I mean to say... well wow you look great!
#1: umm thanks

Round Two
#2: what are you doing with your life these days Irene?
My first thought as I looked around the table at the teacher, engineer, almost cop was
well obviously nothing worth while.
Me: Still writing
#1: one syllable reply "ah"
I could tell no one cared at that table... just asking to be polite
ah
ah my ass
So I continued
Me: But my mom is on the hospital so I'm sending her a lot of energy you know... that's the main issue in my life right now.
The teacher's face dropped.
She then proceeded to tell me about how she knew about having a parent in the hospital.
And she did too. Because her father passed away last year. And me talking about my mother being sick just brought back all those horrible feelings again.
I apologized but I'm sure it was too late.

Round Three
#3: Nip Tuck is so sick.
Me: yes it is I hate that show... sick show for sick people
#3: (hurt) I really like that show
someone says something like soft core porn
Me: its just nasty... at least its not as bad as Desperate Housewives.
Silence swept the table
somewhere an angel lost its wings

Round Four
forgets how this one started... something about going out and doing something later in the month
Me: Can't really this month is a biggie for me... I mean being a witch I have a lot of stuff to get done Hallow's Eve is our New Year celebration and all that.
#1 #2 #3: stunned silence
Me: ummm well this year we will be helping kids cross the street so they won't get hit by cars... you know safety stuff
#1 #2 #3: silence crushing now
Me: so.. uh yeah lots of plans this month

Later Chris informs me that they are all very Christian.

Instead of being embarrassed about this whole thing I am enthralled.
So what.
So I haven't finished school and I'm not making the best money in the world.
So I'm not a teacher or an engineer or an almost cop.
What I am is card carrying bisexual over weight witch
who hates most syndicated or pre syndicated television trash
who hangs out with artists, thinkers, creators.
What I am is strong enough to not be a sheep just to win people over.
What I am is not afraid to be myself.
And I am proud of that.
Proud that I walked away laughing
because even though I have yet to "arrive"
It's a sure sign that I am well on my way.

So bon appetite

Current Mood: devious

4:44am and 30 seconds

Omg what time is it... its still dark... hmm I can sleep a little longer right?

4:45

Alarm rings loudly under the pillow
Damn I had to be cheated out of at least 30 second... where the hell is that snooze button?
Shuts off alarm
hahahah 4:46 my big black ass its too early to be getting up and going to somebody's gym
falls asleep

4:55 and 45seconds

Big black ass is right!

Me: (Snaps awake)Who said that?

I saaaaaaaaid Big black ass is right.

Me: Shut up!!! (I hate it when the voices in my head wake me up) I'll get up when the alarm rings

Alarm: Rings loudly under pillow

Me: !!!!!!Shit!!!!!

Betta get that lazy ass out of bed and down to the gym before it gets any bigger

Me: Jesu Cristo!!!

What the hell do you want with him?

Me: (silence)

Look lazy ass bitch are we going to have to go though this every morning or what?

Me: you know name calling and abuse is not necessary

Well obviously it is cause your acting like a punk bitch... don't tell me your about to pussy out.

Me: Look I went to the gym yesterday I can miss a day.

yeah umm did you really?

Me: Well the day before that

Nigress please I know you not gonna lay there and lie to yourself

Me: .... last week?

Get on the scale

Me: I don't wanna

Get on the damn scale!!!!!!

Crawls out of bed, trips over Terick's shoes, knocks over a cup of water while trying to find the light, initially blinded, steps on scale, Bends over really close to see the numbers... falls off

try your glasses Eienstein

Finds glasses, steps on scale

Me: Oh shit

More like bullshit

Me: 10 pounds

10 mfing pounds

Me: 10 pounds

cue tight feeling in chest, downward turn of left and right corners of the lips, elevated levels of blinking that eventually leads to tears.

(disgusted) oh no you don't you did this to yourself don't even start crying about it

Me: But all my hard work?!

yeah and a week hiatus from the gym and all that junk food, ice-cream, wonderbread milkshakes, m&ms

Me: alright alright

onion rings, french fries, missed medication, pie, donuts...

Me: Would you shut up already....I really need a hug

You really need to get that ass to the gym; you really need to eat correctly... before what you really will be needing is a pine wood box

Me: okay (sniffling) you don't have to be so mean about it.

Oh I'm sorry I forgot that you wanted to be cremated.

Me: Alright im going !!!!(still sniffling)

(silence)

Me: hello?

(silence)

Me: hello?

So at 5:30am I was at the gym back in the saddle, or on the cart er horse... whatever
today I broke my personal record... I managed one hour and decreased the time it took me to do a mile... I managed to get in 3.2 miles total. I made it home in time to start a veggie stew in my crock pot before work
I also put in another 45mins at lunch making my total time one-hour and 45 just 15 minutes under my 2 hour daily goal.

The voices in my head are appeased
accept for one incident involving a orange cranberry muffin that almost left me in tears.

Current Mood: accomplished

I'm so fucking mad

I will not even say what I am mad about
but let me tell you that I am so fucking out of mind pissed off
I mean what the fricking hell

am I suppose to be calm and quiet and not even raise my voice about this
am I suppose to let it sit inside and fester and rot
am I suppose to just let it ride while I punch these keys harder and faster
am I suppose to just beat it our on this keyboard until I am calm

it is too damn late at night for this shit
I have come too far and done too much
for it to slip
fuck it
I can do it
I have come to far
and it is not going to slip
Im not going to slip

I mean I always tell myself that I have to do this
but I was not really ready to accept the consequences
of what I am no prepared to do

it means hurting
it means being uncomfortable
it means change
it means an ending
it means a beginging

hahahahahahahahahahahaha

yes I understand now... I really think I am ready to make the sacrafice that I was not prepared to make years ago

Current Mood: determined

It occurred to me the day before last that there was a slight chance that I had been depressed the past two months...
conference with a few of the people that I know revealed that I in fact seemed that way and frighteningly so
was I the last to know
I figured you knew
                         was always the response
well I managed not to eat myself to death which was a decided plus. Now im shaking the dust off of all my areas and fighting to regain my balance. Just in time to go home to New Orleans... I think I will stock up on St. Johns Wort and Valerian root just in case.
For some reason I just keep going back to Dillard University in my mind. Sitting under the branching circling oaks with the wet air clinging to me the wet ground sighing back the sweat I was already dripping onto it in abundance. I remember tossing down my books, laying there on wetness in wetness admiring myself just for the sake of doing so... with a new poem beating its way out of my tapping and nervous fingers. I poem about the future, my future... and how trouble just rolls off me like water off a ducks back.
I remember that when I was 18

                          When I was 18 I dropped to my knees and taunted heaven and all its angels for a challenge
                                                                                                   and now look at me
                                                      I can't help but laugh at myself for the Goddess peered down from her perch and said "okay you over confident, arrogant, self righteous, naricissitic bitch here you go... but only because I love you"

I still can't decide wether im blessed or cursed because i've always seemed to get what I ask for
                                                                                                                                                             i guess I'm just lucky that way

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: ani difranco

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Mx Rawiyah

November 2011

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Page Summary

The most sophisticated piece of technology (dramatic pause) that you will ever pee on
But you'll always be a little bit heavy
I'm no Marilyn but my skirt can fly just as high
Crazy black lady voting: Then and Now
My new addiction
Open mouth insert foot and enjoy
Back on the cart... wagon... er horse? Or the voices in my head
Pissed Off
the last to know

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Style: Able Constructs for Practicality by timeasmymeasure

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Page generated Jul. 13th, 2025 06:13 am

It's not that serious

but that doesn’t mean I might not bitch about it later

Entries tagged with ha

The most sophisticated piece of technology (dramatic pause) that you will ever pee on

But you'll always be a little bit heavy

I'm no Marilyn but my skirt can fly just as high

Crazy black lady voting: Then and Now

My new addiction

Open mouth insert foot and enjoy

Back on the cart... wagon... er horse? Or the voices in my head

Pissed Off

the last to know