It's not that serious

That wish list I wrote on here… yeah my first request came in. Clarity.

I have a clear realization that regardless of whether or not I join the Universal Ether or get reincarnated as comfy fat house cat whose owner is rich, childless , reasonably mentally balanced, doesn’t believe in declawing, does believe one pet is enough and is totally enthusiastic about kitty couture, bling and organic salmon dinners.

I have the memory of this one life.

This one only to hold onto in this now and if I am going to live it to the fullest then I have to let go of something.

Or rather some things, some ones and some false perceptions like this fake sense of security and the stifling fear of failure. For nearly three years this 60 to 70 hour working week thing has been the safety wheels on my life.

It’s kept me from falling down and going too fast.
It’s kept me balanced and gave me boundaries
But it also kept me from falling in love (with some exception)
in tale worthy trouble (sort of)
and down this rabbit hole that I’m constantly flirting around the edge of.

I am so so ready to free fall and fly with these wings that have been gifted to me though my own journey thus far, wings that have been pieced together from all this pain, pleasure and joy, pieced together with feathers of love plucked from friends with beautiful souls and mentors of magnificent quality.


It’s all come down to tea…

Which is my personal truth #2

Great Tea is not just tossed together. It is not just an accident. The seed has to be planted, the seed has to grow, the plant must be harvested, the harvest must be separated from the chaff, the leaves must be dried carefully, water must almost boil, then the leaves must regenerated themselves in seemingly opposing elements fire like heat and water, and just when they blossom and unfurl once again releasing like a butterfly emerging from the cocoon their life essence gets taken from them, infused changed into something new. For great tea there must be an even greater patience. I myself and my life itself are no different than the tea.

The things that happen in my life are not just accidents… well not everything :).
Life is like the tea. Sometimes we brew it for ourselves sometimes other people brew it for us. We brew with actions, and reactions and thoughts. We pick our ingredients (actively or passively) … sometimes some bastards sneak up behind you and toss something in the mix. Other times we see them put it in and just let it stay… too lazy to pick it out ourselves, or too afraid to displease them.

And when the tea is done we drink

It tastes like shit
We bitch
And pour another cup
Toast and bottoms up
WTF!!!

If it ain't my cup of tea… why the fuck am I drinking it?! Why complain and then do nothing. Why did I fill myself with the same bitter drink over and over again. Because I was worried that if I spit it out I would look like a stuck up ungrateful bitch, I was worried that it was too late to start a new batch, grow new plants and wait for a new harvest, and no matter how appalling the taste was I knew what to expect… and in that there was comfort despite the discomfort.

My mom is taught me all about tea.

An eon ago she laughed at me when I told her I was hesitant about starting everything over. She said that she understood my fear but that I was a silly hussy for using that as an excuse. "If the shoe is fucking up your foot kick it off and if something in your life, whether it be a person, a thing, a job, a situation a habit is not your cup of tea i.e. .Something suitable, appropriate, or attractive to one stop accepting it in your life. Fill your cup with something else and stop being such a silly hussy."

I did it mama.

I made my own precious ever-changing and evolving brew.
I’m protecting it and not letting sneaky bastards toss things in it I did not choose.
I am not allowing fear to dictate the ingredients of my life.

It’s almost ready and when it’s done the first cup of victory will be raised to you.


oh and Juicy if you are reading this Rubenesque Burlesque is totally a main part of the brew ;)

You were Pan and all of his Lost Boy.
You believed you could fly and I longed for you to.

You were Nibs
debonair and charismatic wanting to provide even though you were incapable of it
You were Slightly
living in lies you believed to be true, creating songs that only you could hear while begging me to dance with you
You were Curly
my troublesome and forgetful boy but always so so endearing
You were my Twins
knowing nothing about yourself but professing everything

You were also my Tootles.
Who mistook me for something else.
Who shot me down and almost killed me when I tried to fly

You were my Peter Pan, unable to love me the way an adult should.
I was your Wendy, constantly reattaching your shadow.
You exhausted me, wore me out, broke me down while trying to rescue me from a Captian Hook that you created.
The Dreams of Neverland turned to the Dark of Nightmares

When I left you followed me
And at first I loved it

You coming through my window bringing with you all the dreams of a unknowingly selfish heartless innocence. Sprinkling fairy dust over my head and saying that we would fly. But my feet no longer want to leave the ground with you. Every time I leapt off of the edge I realized that that dust was just the remnants of shattered dreams and that the only thing that keep me suspended in the air was the noose you tied around my neck. That and these wings I've constructed on my own.

You were taping at my window last night

Tap
Tap
Tap

But I would not let you in.
Wendy doesn’t live here any more
I do

It's the worst thing I’ve done to you
And it's the best thing I’ve done for myself

Betraying you by growing up

One of the great things that I have learned is that I can choose how I feel. I can choose to continue to feel angry and cheapened or I can choose to learn, laugh and move on.

Last night when I got home from work I chose the latter.  While surfin the internets for funny clips and distractions I came across some Futurama and it was just what I needed to see. There is this character on Futurama called Zapp Brannigan who is a complete pain in the ass to our main girl Leela after a one time roll in the hay. He is described in the following wikipedia excerpt as:

 

arrogant, incompetent, chauvinistic, cocky, vain, and painfully stupid… Brannigan envisions himself a "ladies' man", but is clueless in matters of romance. He remains convinced that Leela lusts after him and will eventually return to him, despite her (often literally) violent opposition to the idea.

The creators describe him as being "40% Kirk, 60% Shatner"
 

I’m not mad at him anymore and I am not mad at me anymore just merely annoyed that I actually have my own personal Captain No Pants
lol & fucking sigh~

 

You think you can do these things, but you just can't, Irene!!

 

 

So Thursday night I had a date.  Which I canceled because I was super emotional and hyper horny and if I went out on said date I would just end up crying on his shoulder or fucking him and that is no way to begin a relationship with someone that I don't even really like in the first place.

 

So Q being the darling that he is had the perfect solution which involved a trip to San Francisco, a bar on Castro apply named The Bar, and the meeting of a man named Louis.

 

First off driving into the city at night is a glorious thing, if you're not driving.  The nite brite lights, the mosh of music, the open individuality of the people, the steep ass hills that either make you feel like you're on a rollercoaster and/or give you vertigo...  I've been there several times before but for some reason last night felt like the first time.  There was all this excitement.  I felt like a virgin on prom night. My exact words as I peered out of the window were "Omg I feel like a huge clitoris"

 

We parked two blocks away from our destination and made our way down hill to The Bar.  Q advised me to watch my step but I was so intrigued by the vinyl padded walls that I didn't… I stumbled through the entrance, into the padded wall and fell immediately in love.

 

Three drinks later I was all sorts of sheets to the wind and involved in deep conversation with Louis who I love now too.

 

"You have to be who you are.  You have to own who you are." He said as he held both my hands.  "You're in a stage right now and you are figuring yourself out and that is beautiful, you are beautiful.  I see you.  I can see you right now.  What I see is wonderful."

 

And then he told me things.  All the dark things, all the sad things, all the happy things, all the wonderful things, and he spoke with confidence because he wasn't speaking to me as much as the Universe was speaking to me through him.

We understood that

We understood each other.

We had synchronicity

We had vodka

 

"You're perfect and I'm validating you," he said as he looked into my eyes "so you can now validate yourself and someone else.  You no longer need anyone else to validate you, because you're perfect and God loves you and I love you and you love you.  We're family now you and me.  You have my card now and if you don't call me or contact me the next time I see you and I will see you again, I will call you all sorts of bitches"

 

 

 

Despite the fact that

-I am limping a bit from dancing on my turned ankle

-will probably not be able to drink cranberry or pineapple juice for a month

-typing the word vodka is masochistic in nature

-And my stomach feels like it's full of lead…even though I know its empty for obvious reasons that I won't go into.

 

I feel wonderful, whole, free, complete and perfect.

 

Because I got what I needed what I was searching for not just in the past few months but the past few years.  During the course of the night between dancing, drinking and discourse Louis gave me a book mark and what was written on it changed my life just as much as massage school did, just as much as playing the Moaner did.

 

Thank you Q and K for taking me out last night.  And driving me home since I was a drunk, snoring mess by the end of it.

And thank you Louis for taking the time to connect with me, to share with me, to see me...you are a wonderful, divine and perfect person. All my love to you.

 

 

 

 

Nothing from without can touch the

Perfect Life of The Divine within me

No past experience has power over me

 

I am a perfect child of The Divine

 

And nothing that anyone has ever done or said

can interfere with my divine inheritance. 

The power of The Divine is greater than any circumstance in my life.

The strength of The Divine is mine to use.

 

Turning away from all feelings of inadequacy,

I discover that all that I need is within me right now.

 

As I forgive the past, I find that I have

nothing to atone for,

nothing to run away from. 

 

Casting off the old me,

I discover my true Self

 

I take dominion in my life,

Old habits have no power over me

Conditions have no power over me

Personalities have no power over me

I take dominion!

I am whole.

I am free.

I am complete.

Now and forever more

And so it is.

 

~Adapted from Your Needs Met, by Jack Addington