It's not that serious

I’ve decided to withdraw from this battle.
I lay down my shield and sword and I shake off all this armor.
And even though I’m no longer kicking and screaming I’m not as serene as I appear to be. I still feel you moving around in my body, stirring my blood, fevering my brain but it gets better. Since I’ve acknowledged it everyday gets easier. You’re more of a ghost than tangible touch now.

It surprises me that its harder getting over the dream than it was to get over the reality. And now that I have finally begun the process of letting go, since I stopped medicating myself with a hyper active social life and schedule I’m oh so sensitive to everything.
I feel pain, longing, loneliness, anger and grief.

I’m finally in mourning…
I was so arrogant that I believed that allowing myself to feel these things was a sign of weakness.

After all I was the one who left you right?

Who was I to miss you, miss us, miss what could have been or be angry at “what should have been”. But I can be this way. I can be pissed off at losing my best friend. I can mourn the death of this relationship. I can miss the way our bodies moved together and the way we had with words. I can grieve… it is well within my rights to grieve.

I spent 16 months running from this feeling that is washing over me right now because I was terrified of drowning in it. And guess what? Even though I am in over my head with it I can still breathe. And that is kinda pissing me off too. Knowing that I can in fact breath without you… I should have tried to far sooner.

Ten years ago I laughed when I asked you ”What did I think about before I thought of you?”

Now I remember. And I am upset about that too. I am enraged at how I allowed myself to be so dedicated and consumed by us that I let me wither away. That I allowed the value of my word to tarnish that I let my ambition lay furrow in a vast field of opportunity.

I’ve decided to withdraw from this battle of looking for that person to be “us” with.
I have decided to lay down my shield and sword and shake off all this armor so that I can relearn to breathe just for me.
I have decided to remember my own thoughts.
I have decided to reclaim my word and properly nourish my ambitions.
I have decided to let go of this hope for you and me
I have decided to surrender the dream of somesort of “us”
So that I can live the victorious reality

Of me.

 

Really?
Seriously?

I guess I never told you(all)  the deal.  I just assumed that since you peeped the profile and actually paid attention during our conversations that I would never have to break it down like this.  But I guess I was mistaken.

I’ll only say this once.

 

 

Dear Mr. Friday,

I am not:
Your mistress

Your heart may be polyamorus but your marriage is not.  Your wife agreed to certain things and I respect her and her wishes. We will continue to be just dungeon buddies but if you keep pressing me so help me goddess we won’t even be that.

 In addition to not being your mistress I am also not your celibate mistress. 

 

Ps. My heart is poly too.

 

 

Dear Mr. Vanilla,

I am not :

Sick and misguided and in need of your gentle handling to show me the error of my hedonistic ways. When I said that I liked my hair pulled and my ass slapped I meant it.  No amount of kind cuddling is going to get me wet.  And you should know that by now due to personal experience.

Ps. We both know you’re not as vanilla as you are pretending to be.
Pss.  I do love the after sex cuddle...you should totally keep that.

 

Dear Mr. All American Cowboy,

I am not:
A horse

You can not tame me, break me, change me.  Pagan, Poly, Bisexual, Kinky these things are not choices they are huge parts of who I am.

 Ps.  you're gay or at the very least bisexual. 
Thats a big part of who you are stop fighting it and just accept it.

To Mr. Jehovah Witness

I am not:
In need of you to save me… you’re not Jesus.

And please stop  crying to me about how conflicted you feel about last month.  I’m not Jesus either.   I asked you if you had reconciled your desires with your god and you said yes.  I suggest you go see your priest/minister.

 

Ps.
I said god
not your genitalia.

 

 

To Mr Player:

I am not :
Crying over you when you don’t give me a ring on the celly.

That male voice you heard in the background when you did manage to dial the digits... yeah that was your replacement Mr. Vanilla.

 

Ps:
Don’t hate me hate the game.

 

 

 

For all the rest.  Please read position description before submitting your application.

 

~~Seeking~~

Pagan/Pagan friendly, Polyamous/ Poly friendly, Kinky, Geek/ geek friendly Spiritual male or female
who enjoys open communication, reading, learning, drinking exotic teas and experiencing new things.  Must have own life, goals and tool box with basic knowledge on how to use said tools.  Should be reasonably neat, logical, less neurotic than I am.  Must be patient, kind, open minded and tolerant and appreciative.   Honest compassionate critiques regarding art work and life in general is mandatory...  good spelling is a plus since I suck at it.  Please be willing to be physically active and supportive of my life/life style and goals, able to take and give in equal measure.
Have a light grey to dark khol sense of humor
Love music
Tolerant of snorers or fall asleep quickly.

 

Must be seeking the same minus the logical.

 

 

 

Bonus points if you take it in the ass.

 

~xoxo Miss Renie