missrenie: (Default)
I'm writing this because I don't want to forget this feeling
this sensation of frustrated satisfaction.
the way my toes curled when you pressed your lips on mine and mumbled that you wanted me to have something to look forward to.

I could have strangled you

Then that smile that is so new to me  that it makes me wonder if it is new to you 
full of controlled cocky confidence and knowing that I want you
to say you want me 
but you like keeping me

off balance


I like the way you grab me wrists to keep me from wandering freely over all this  new terrain
I like the way you make me come to you even though you are holding me so close to youthat I can't get away 
I like the way you teach me Zen Buddhism concepts  like  Mindfulness
with  lips
with mouth
with white teeth and wet tongue

aware, deliberate, intuitive, preceptive,  education through compassionate  passionate touch, taste, sound, smell.
and I think its hot as hell
that you're in my head
since i'm all over  your skin

Touching the better and higher parts of eachother 
slipping, sliding, shimming in
gently, tenderly waking them up and telling them that its safe
its safe to come out and play
and stay

please
stay with me?

and tease me, test me, tempt me, 
make me still
to feel you

to feel you
to wait for you
to want you
to come to you
to come for you
to comfort you as God since you make me feel Goddess

and as much as I protest
I like this
over the clothes and moving slow
because it lets me know
that while you are in the moment
you are not looking for just  a moment
but the moments that come after
missrenie: (Default)

You were Pan and all of his Lost Boy.
You believed you could fly and I longed for you to.

You were Nibs
debonair and charismatic wanting to provide even though you were incapable of it
You were Slightly
living in lies you believed to be true, creating songs that only you could hear while begging me to dance with you
You were Curly
my troublesome and forgetful boy but always so so endearing
You were my Twins
knowing nothing about yourself but professing everything

You were also my Tootles.
Who mistook me for something else.
Who shot me down and almost killed me when I tried to fly

You were my Peter Pan, unable to love me the way an adult should.
I was your Wendy, constantly reattaching your shadow.
You exhausted me, wore me out, broke me down while trying to rescue me from a Captian Hook that you created.
The Dreams of Neverland turned to the Dark of Nightmares

When I left you followed me
And at first I loved it

You coming through my window bringing with you all the dreams of a unknowingly selfish heartless innocence. Sprinkling fairy dust over my head and saying that we would fly. But my feet no longer want to leave the ground with you. Every time I leapt off of the edge I realized that that dust was just the remnants of shattered dreams and that the only thing that keep me suspended in the air was the noose you tied around my neck. That and these wings I've constructed on my own.

You were taping at my window last night

Tap
Tap
Tap

But I would not let you in.
Wendy doesn’t live here any more
I do

It's the worst thing I’ve done to you
And it's the best thing I’ve done for myself



Betraying you by growing up

missrenie: (Default)
Bitch please....
I'm not sure
where you got your information from
but you don't own me

I don't know what happened in your past
or what happened in this present
to lead to this miscommunication
but you don't own me

you
do not pay my bills
you
do not access my quality
you
do not have power over me


I realize that your high
comes from standing on someone's head
your ego is so short that you have to  straddle someone's shoulders
to kick someone else's side

I realize that you are fragile
behind those hard eyes
that while I can laugh and sing
you can only point at and point out
every negative thing

I don't fear you
because you are blind
you don't see me

I don't fear you
because you are uneducated
you don't know me

I don't fear  you
because you need me (or someone you mistake me to be)
more  than I need this so
you don't own me

and after I write this
after I place the period
you won't own my mind either
you will not hold space within the sacred temple of my thoughts

Bitch please
slave days is ova
and
you
don't
fucking
own me
.
missrenie: (Default)
So Melo and I went to the beach and I brought my fender and she brought her congo.  It was a beautiful hot as hell day and with her encouragement we made this recording of a song that I wrote I think I sound nasally and the wind is blowing hard but I'm really glad we did it.
now I just need to figure out how to play the other nine songs I wrote :)

Thanks Melo!! xoxo




missrenie: (Tree of Knowledge)
I am happy
this emptiness right here
this emptiness right now
is a temporary thing.

Happy people cry too
even if their tears are confused, missed and taken for laughter
Happy people scream too
even though their pain is mistaken for con and fused with fervor

I am a happy person
and this emptiness is a temporary thing

this Emptiness
where my Worth once stood
Worth I so carelessly gave away
Worth that with an equal carelessness was wasted away,
until my hallowed became hollow  there
once warm womb turned temporary torrid tomb…

Stand not at this grave a weep for me
Neither grieve for me
Nor hold wake with me
instead
give me your noise
lend me your laughter
create chaotic celebration so that I can cry

Soak me in the sun of your warm smiles,
transmute this sea of tears into fertile spring rains rich with the beauty of our combined joy.
Lend me the rhythm of your stamping feet
turn bitter grapes of sorrow into sweet wines of sacred wisdom, a precious ambrosia garnered from life’s painful lessons
Pour it over this rotted earth
let me use your bright colors as inspiration to re-landscape my barren greedy glorious garden

Grieve not for me
nor hold wake with me

give me  noise
lend me  laughter
create chaotic celebration so that I can
cleanse
create
and cry

for I am a happy person
and this
this is but a temporary thing.
missrenie: (Default)
started writing this months ago when I started challenging the lines in my own life
Yesterday it completed itself.  At least the first part.  I have a feeling that it will keep changing
as I change


 

~~~

All the lines in all the world
are merely sensible suggestions

Made to be pushed and challenged charged
by deviants with questions

Be wary those who break  through
to taste the other side

You'll find Infinities ocean
vast with unknown depth and wide

These uncharted liberated seas
create thrilling, frightening  rides

Not for faint of heart
nor common sense
or those beset with pride

Tis a place for fools and hedonists
activists, artists
unsung and unknown

They know that surviving the drown'd depths
Often means you swim alone


missrenie: (Tree of Knowledge)
I had forgotten
amidst years of conflict
amidst years of conditioning
amidst years of conforming

I had forgotten
my worth
my beauty
my self

I cast it off of me in order to wear a lesser garment of lesser value.
I painted my face with the lies of a commercialist society
I strapped my chest with the fears of friends and family
I clothed myself
From tit to hip
from hip to toe in you...
to blend
to disappear
to die
because I believed that fighting was too messy for you
because I believed that changing was too difficult to do
because I believed it was easier
to run
to hide
to give in

The fabric has worn thin

and as I stand
naked
scrubbed
skin red and raw

I stare
and see
just me

and me screams:
NO MORE
NO MORE

I am tiered of wallowing
I am nary not swallowing
one more fucking thing

I’m tied of choking
When its time for me to sing

I’m tied of crawling
Cause you pulling on my wings


The lies you spittin are starting to bore me
I’m gonna be my own best success story

Now is time for a Reclamation
To which I make this proclamation
To Untame
To Rename
To Reclaim me

can not you see
undA NU mangeMEnt ='s A NU ME
it's time to stop trying
it's time to stop crying
it's time to be
it's time to       come
it's time for                   me 

I miss

Feb. 13th, 2007 06:16 pm
missrenie: (Tree of Knowledge)



I miss
so bad
that I can taste it
if I bite my tongue
hard enough
I can taste it in my blood
it flows like music
up into me
and through me
soft
gentle
deep

deep
warm

deep
womb

deep
south

I miss
Crescent Bends
the way the sounds of the street
blends
with horse shoe cadence
the smell of these friends
coffee fresh and chicory kissed
flour fried into a pillow
delicate snow sugar misted
 I miss
Rain singin', slipin', spillin' on cobblestones
melted brown sugar, molasseses and pecans
I miss
broiled crawfish, crab, shrimp
and the songs
painful
sweet
that get between your knees
and then crash into your feet

I miss
yellow
purple
and green
the way the street lights danced off of a trombone
a bright golden sheen
I miss
I miss
New Orleans

INsIde II

Feb. 13th, 2007 01:17 pm
missrenie: (Tree of Knowledge)

This voice is inside my head
and it is screaming
so loud
trying
so hard
to get out
to break out
to break
my head
is splitting
into two
my brain is pulsing
with each heart beat
faster
faster
more
more
bigger
bigger
threatening to expose itself
to break the skin
crack the bone beneath
and blossom
an ugly purple orchid organ
vomiting
from the shell
no
it does not at all bode well.

 


INsIde

Feb. 6th, 2007 02:25 am
missrenie: (Tree of Knowledge)

 

Inside of me
beneath the skin
beyond the bone
and deep within
there is a dark
dark
dark place
It started small
but now seek space
It growls,
and grows
it's hungry mouth
it takes things in
won't let them out
and I should fear
had it left any in me
that it will consume
my sanity.

 


 

The Tree

Jan. 5th, 2007 12:01 am
missrenie: (Tree of Knowledge)
The Tree

The wind whispers through it's leaves in shaded ways
songs of a rotten blood stained meal of strange and bitter fruit
Heavy... is the grey beard of this massive god aged oak Old... is this gnarled stairway to a heaven full of stars
Wrapped Branches like twisted twins strain against a recent sin of a swinging necklace of a golden yoke of rope
Rough and Resistant are the roots with hungry chocking mouths reaching
like brown limbs through black dirt Brown Oak buried in black Earth
Bark branches the color of skin the same warm Mississippi delta silken silt tones as the man that had swung from them. A puppet dangling on the wind
Some look and see just a tree
but I see clearer.
Once pure this thing
Once proud...
now pallbearer.
We played around this tree as children climbed it's branches in hot as hell summers
Used it as a haven from Mean Jake's dogs when he set them on us that one time for picking figs from his yard.
We danced around it's trunk a mad heathen spiral catching fat fire flies as they clung to one another
crashing clumsy into our bodies You touched me there... underneath my dress
your fingers were still soft then like cat tail grass underneath my cotton shirt
In the winter you snuck me corn liquor your uncle made in your mother's porcelain tub
and it kept us warm
You
You made maple syrup promises
promises of places like Shecago
and Nuu Yark beneath its shade
as you crawled on top of me
between me inside of me
your hands hard like a man's then
almost but not quite
your scent in my nostrils
your sweat on my thighs
I stand beneath this tree now with my feet on the ground. My back aching. My belly hard and swollen. My tears on the earth
traveling in tunnels
r o l l i n g
along the rough and resistant routes of roots
Roots
with hungry chocking mouths reaching nearer
brown limbs through black dirt
reaching to my
Brown Oak buried in the black Earth
to you
each tear
one beat
of a rhythm
of a hymn
I'll sing
until I climb to you

This song
of you
and I
once pure

This tree and you
once proud
and strong

This tree and I
singing a song
through I stand weeping
and it stands mute
a darkly sweet and rancid song
of strange and bitter fruit
a
strange and bitter fruit
missrenie: (Tree of Knowledge)

 

  

this one I wrote about home
about NewOrleans

A letter to a lover lost

I hated you.
Because you would never let me go.
I tried to wash you off... forget you
I changed my walk... I changed my talk... I almost changed my name
But some distant smell would wash over me... even here on the Pacific it would reach me
and reach into me and invade me.
Oregano, thyme, parsley, paprika tossed together on someones tilapia... all it was missing was the cayenne
and then all I was missing was you
City of Sin
City of Redemption
City of Joy
City of Sex
City of Art and Love and Magnolias
City
of the Dead
and I am stranded, robbed of my tomb. I always knew I would return to you... even if it was in a pine wood box. But not for one moment, one second, one breath did I think that you would leave me first.
There are no alabaster stones for my bones.

But the tings you did to me. Oh dear god the things you did and who you were... a violently poetic abusive lover. I would swear you off and youd get me drunk and Id come back again and again. A whore with a hurricane in her veins needing a fix from you.

You strangled me when you made love to me, And made me feel like there was no one else. A talent of yours... makin the world disappear.

And here I am in a place with these ugly and inadequate palm trees, with massive god aged redwoods , with soft brown sands and dark green and blue surf that seems like an eternity sweeping before me...
and all I want to do is to curl up inside that little bowl by the river bend. Sit beneath an old oak with a beard of Spanish moss, skin as brown as mine, curvy as the women who walked beneath them while a mosquito silently violates my leg.
The sea to me looks the same but your mystery was contast change

I want you
I want you bad
I want you to give it to me hard and rough with oil and fire, crawfish and jazz, crumbled hot brick buildings, black bodies dancing to the drummers beat, old folk business,
shasay
sway
and second line.
And I want you to forgive me
because no matter how much of a bitch you were. You were family and blood and water and flesh and bone and heart and me. And I thought I was better than you. So much better than you
But I was wrong
we are the same
were the same

Can you hear me?
Can you still hear me?
I want you to open the door.
Im knocking on the door.
I want to come home.

missrenie: (Tree of Knowledge)
I was reading alot of Samuel Taylor Coleridge and nature romance poets at the time and got inspired


Morpheus Vale


I descended into the valley of my most potent dream
along its darkened branches saw most wondrous things
Deep within it's cavernous walls I willed my vison scry
and drunk in greatness that only heroes taste
like gods among the skies


At times I felt so small and frail as I paused beneath a monestrous tree
And others tall as red wood grooves with ants beneath my feet.

Then there were nights I lost my way, stumbled in the dark
For no map of experience had I, my compass was my heart
Summer Seasons fell into a winter with no end
Left alone my hope a drone beating in defense
Bloodied wearied tiered and worn perchance the end came I
Could I survive this venture, this path
Up this mountain side?

I faltered, slipped ... my courage slack
but pressed I forward binding back
the wounds done on my pride
continued up and deeply in
I took my faith to bride
Hilt-ed hope upon my side
and fasted fought against my fear
I will not surrender to doubts mounted stones of years
and yet... as I climbed I knew each one
for I had built it myself
This mountain all my doubt and fear I had made myself.

The rocks were sharpest granite done and cut like knife and glass
Still surrender could I not even if I bled my last
And for eternity time stood like a hinge upon a door
Swinging back and to center
no gain
advancing nevermore
And my scream did eco into dark abyss
I grit my teeth raised my fist
into hells night I screamed this
Listen little mountain you shall crumble at my feet
It is I that scrap the sky
I am mighty you are weak
listen little mountain for I am more than you
Open wide and let me pass else a death on you
There was silent thick
and then a thunderous bolt
a quake
a shake
a creaking crack
a flash of frightening hue
and behold like softest gold that mountain split in two!!
And up came I a glorious wonder
like the falcon bold
and past this hurdle high came I and what did I behold?


Below me came the rivers wide and opening to sea
Below me came the forest far spreading to infinity
my world upon it's axis almost ceased and sputtered
Over my heart a shadow came
and almost did it smother
How long had I yet wandered?
How long shall I have yet to task
Until I reach the end of this dreamed' valley path
Just as I to sacrifice my life
along with hope
I saw
I caught a glimpse of a far
yet distant slope
taking breath I steeled myself
hoping sight does not belie
perchance it was true beginning of the other side

I swam
I swam that sea wide and deep
and blazed the forest by the sea with cursed prayed I cried
through searing tears I set my eyes
till at last this basin side I came and did not stop
for in my soul I knew my prize rested at it's top
I climbed

I climbed though muscle tears and bones do snap
and nail bent back to root
Pressed I on lie a mighty song
advanced on my route
Though each foot, each inch, each breath
I was met with mocking from the wall
I did laugh
did not forfeit
and low I did not fall
Dizzy with determination
set hard again defeat
for a time I did not notice where I set my feet
and too my knees I fell and stopped
for I had reached the treasured top
and with a startle cry shook I the universe withing
because now I understand what all of this has been
I am Reborn
through things I've lost through things I've shorn
and all the stuff this journey stripped I see
has left a wondrously better me
I was first!!!
I was first this path to make
I was first that mountain overtake
first to swim the torrid sea
first on forest floor was me
and low they follow far behind
this glory
this honor
this epic , mine
for I have made their path refined
naught destroys that even time
With my dreams I carried theirs a beacon in the night
and here I stand sentient to give them will to fight
and here I stand
ere I wait for one to take my place
for in the east I have seen
my next dream to take
missrenie: (Tree of Knowledge)
maîtresse de dépression


"Shall we dance this dance again"
With her arms she gathers me in
over the thresehold
and out the door
she craves, she desires, she demands for more

When I resist
she presists
"Your body, your soul give me this"
An eternity passes
and I submit
and I am weightless
she gives me this

A promise
an escape
a single wish
a sweet delusion
a kind illusion

A vampiric, Judas, saintly kiss
this is hell
this is bliss

She tears at me
until I am two
one loving her
one hating to

"Come lay with me upon the marble stone"
She's soft, she is a cold, betraying, false home

"Kiss me now, love me, don't fight"
Its like drowning and I know it isn't right

"I'll be your protection, your truth, your womb"
she completely welcomes me, I know it is a tomb

"Quiet now, and yield to me"
but if I do I will cease to be

"Rest now you are weak"
Sometimes she is my muse
"I give you the passion you seek"

"Let me be your mirror, through my eyes you'll see"
because my true projection is much too painful for me

She is right
She is wrong
My Will is shattered
Her power strong

My body is her canvas
she paints the pain on me
My body is her temple
I am the shore to her sea

Her mana, her voice ,herself is empowered upon my soul
She feasts, she claws while she lies and says " IreneI make you whole"

Nawlins

May. 12th, 2006 03:32 pm
missrenie: (Tree of Knowledge)

.. think I may do this at an open mic night


Nawlins


My home was...

my home is as jazz
sweet seducing jazz
rays of light piercing from core
calmcoolcaressing
like a bird taking flight beginning to soar
A city built like a legends kingdom
forged in ancient voodoo wisdom
One ticket to moral escape and artistic freedom
Ash Wednesday worship after Fat Tuesday redeems them
Standin on the corner
makin groceries at Schewgmann
Say Hey to yo cousin
and save those dishes for brotha man
A magic I can only dream to understand
some science not yet known to man
Have you ever, ever been touched by the taste that hands heavy in my mouth?
The stripping twang and tang of the sultry soul
it leaves one thirsty under wantons cover
passionate and as hard as a new-lost virgin doe her lover
Have you ever been touched so deeply hat you could scream and cry?
But no sound pierces your lips
it builds in a silent speed
twisting turningtrying to fly
then-suddenly it comes.
Penetrating from the depths of your soul
form the marrow of your bone
the sound of an old man in Jackson Square seducing you with his saxophone.
Your heart beat matches the rhythm of street children as they taps down the streetthe clang of coke bottle caps under the ten year olds feet
Take of its wetness bathe in its sweetness
sleep in its divinity and divine in its serenity
A city borne on godless wings
A city where the angel sings
Saying my novena to Saint Jude for all to be well
the man on the street corner shouting We all going to hell!
Standing watching the sunset from iron worked balconies
Waiting for some Romeo to rise from the magnolias and marry me
Sleepless nights on Rue Bourbon with the heat a second skin
The cooling taste of a Monsoon as its juice drips down my chin
The sounds of the streets tempting me
bringing me to my rest
the gas lit lamps casting shadows at my feet
the warmth within my breast
A golden coin tossed up shining in the sun
inseparable from head to toe this city and I are one


missrenie: (Tree of Knowledge)

I was a little pissed off last night.... this morning
whatever


Ode to be a Black Womun

Oh my Amerika
Oh say can't you see
The glory that resides in me
I've got Afrika in my veins
does it make you shudder to hear my name
I am Black Womun
proud and bold
aint I a wonder to behold
I'm stacked from East to West
I'm built from North to South
I'm made to last baby so you betta watch your mouth
See I'm not your bitch
I aint yo ho
I sure as hell aint your slut
I sincerely hope you understand me cause I=ve about had enough
I'm not your mammy
and I aint your aunt Jemima
Sorry I had to go there- I wanted to remind ya

You'll have to excuse me for being abrupt
but
time to cover your ears kiddes
cause its about to get real rough
I'm not your poontang
your cunt
or your piece of ass
you betta recognize and respect boys cause this Lady has some class
You come around me saying you grown
forget you, you lazy bastard I can do it on my own.
Don't think I don't like you honey just cause I wont let you do me wrong
It's just that the type of man I need
has got to be real strong
and don't mizunderstand you can have your space and I'll even shut my mouth
I'm just not going to let you disrespect me in my own damn house
And for all you twizted sisters who wanna call me out my name
you betta watch out baby there's no way you can play my game
honey my lips don't need no botax
my breasts do not get done

I've got better stuff to do with my time than try to squeeze into a size one
We should be working together trying to reclaim our land
instead of hatin on each other and talking to the hand
Nah all you FOXes in the Media
ima have to take you out side
BET and MTV
I got brains above my behind
ABC and NBC
I don't need to be your "friend"
cause we all know it's you that's trying to fit in
Just mad at me,
hatin on me,
cause you aint got my flow
take every chance to vilify me
then emulate me on your show
ohhhhhh you just, just cant wait to show me at my worst
that's fine go on keep doing it
It's good you don't know my worth
because one day when you aint ready
Ima rain like fire from the sky
oh; what's that baby, did I scare you? Are you about to cry???
Oh my Amerika
Oh say can you see
that I'm still here
I'm still standing
despite the things you've done to me
Ya see; I aint going nowhere
Im gonna have my DAY
So my Amerika
you best git on out my way!!!!!!!

missrenie: (Tree of Knowledge)

I wrote this for a friend  

for sarah sphinx

They are all scared

the plastered models, the pumped up jocks
the blue ribbon bitches in their size two frocks
the crazed out rocker, the dazed out punk
even the black man that say that he got dat funk
they are all wearing masks and trying to hide
because they are afraid of the decay inside
or them.

They are terrified or being in the light
they are terrified of the silence of the night
they are twisted and holding tight
to a being some one told them was right

But you see people
healers like you and me
are blessed and cursed
because we can see
beneath the mask
through the facade

it sucks I know
but like you said
it's easy to die
so forge ahead

don't falter, flake or fall to the side
keep that pretty head held high
and no matter how tired you get
no matter how the curse you
or at you spit
don't condemn them
fuck it and pass them by
they lose cause they missed
the beauty at their side

Keep digging, keep ploughing, keep bursting through the ground
because somewhere there is a diamond to be found
someone is waiting for the wisdom with in you
someone who has no hope until you tell them to
Keep on keepin sista goddess
fuck the mainstream lies
the course of humanity is oft forever change
by a single soul who tries.

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missrenie

November 2011

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