It's not that serious

So my gyno (the one who likes to scrape the walls of poor unsuspecting women's cervix without the use of anesthetics) called.

The last time she called she told me that the cancer results were inconclusive because she didn't have enough of a tissue sample to tell whether or not I had cervical cancer.  She wanted me to come in for another biopsy.   I considered bloggin that bullshit earlier but I was exhausted.

Three weeks ago she sent me for an MRI as a last ditch effort to figure out what was wrong with me.   We both knew the results were going to come back negative.  I paid my 40 dollars and took the test.   While I was lying there on that narrow gurney with the machine whirling around my head (maybe it was whirling my eyes were closed) I had a lot to time to think.  To consider things… like calling it quits with this woman.

Every time I went into her office she told me she had no idea what was wrong with me.

Sent me for more tests which confirmed almost six years of previous diagnosis

Referred me to three other doctors who totally confirmed the previous diagnosis

And gave me one hell of a biospy

I was ready to toss up my hands and say I'm just fat and hairy because I'm a fuck up.  That's it lady.  Stop trying to search for answers!   Give me my hormones, a lapband, some hella good razor bump cream and lets call it a flipping day!

I was totally at that desperate/giving up  point.  Depressed, overwhelmed and in completely bad form.  If you would have cut me I would have poured enough emo-golobin to drown a small farming village

But it just so happens that my crazy sadist of a gynecologist was on to something.  Turns out that while my ovaries are made of steel my pituitary gland is shit.  

There's  tumor… not on it.  In it.

When she told me that I was like

Oh

Oh… no freaking out like when my doctor told me I had allergies.  Just "oh"  closely followed by "well… hell" 

She went on and on about some stuff  and commended me for handling the news so coolly.  She referred me to neurosurgeons in Redwood City.  They'll run a few more tests and then operate on my brain through my nasal passage.

I thanked her for working so hard to figure out what was wrong. 

When I hung up I had to go into an empty room and cry... something I've been doing way too much lately.

Not because of this tumor but from relief, from thankfulness, from happiness that someone believed me. She didn't just look at me and say.  Lose weight and everything will go back to normal.  Or your obviously not exercising enough.  She didn't make me feel like this lazy lethargic pathetic person who let things get so out of control. 

She believed me when I told her just what special type of hell this past decade has been.  From the depression and weight gain, the constant fatigue and dizziness, the complete and utter mutiny of every cell in my body. 

She believed me.  She was the only fucking one to believe me.  She followed a trail and she was not afraid to say that she did not know where she was going or what she was looking for.  She kept looking.  And she found it.

Even though she cut into my cervix without the passing pleasure of a Tylenol she listened to me.  She believed me.  Even though I didn't believe in her

…even when I stopped believing myself.

Doctor:: How are you today?

Me: Fine

Doctor:: No you’re not… if you were you wouldn’t be sitting there and I wouldn’t be standing here.

Me: True

Doctor:: It’s an automatic response.

Me: What is?

Doctor:: Fine… I do it to at the movie theater.   The guy handing me my ticket says enjoy the show and I say you too.  It’s an automatic response, we all do it.  So tell me why you’re not fine.

Me: I think it’s an ear infection

Doctor:: So tell me why you’re not fine

Me: Because you’re an ass.  Dizziness, headache, postnasal drip, sharp pain in the right ear, generally wanting to off myself because of the ringing

Doctor::  For how long  He says not missing a beat.  I award him 6 cool points*

Me: Two weeks

Doctor:: And the pain

Me: Three days… really sucks today though

He holds my left ear and sticks the light in it, he does the same thing to the right.  "Well it’s not an ear infection.  Your ear and your nose are connected though.  (insert some medical shit I can’t understand but found oddly comforting at the moment because he spoke to me as if I understood.,  I forgive him for being an ass even though I don’t know what the hell he is talking about) So let’s take a look at your nose…Wow! It’s not supposed to look like that" 

He shoves the light up my nose again, leans, in and squints "Nope… not supposed to look like that.  Wow I was not expecting that."  He lingers…when he pulls away the look on his face is a mixture of pity and pain.  Like he saw the sinking of the Titanic or the Passion in my left nostril.

He shakes his head.

I’m still stuck on "it’s not suppose to look like that"… what kinda shit is that to say to a patient?    That’s the line I used on guys who used to whip it** out on me in high school.  I some how manage to suppress the inner freak out that I normally reserve for doctor visits and maintain my cool points.

"Sup?"

"Do you know you have allergies?"

Now, it’s not like he said I have cancer or it’s the end of the world, but when a doctor says you "have something" for some reason its always the same response: a mild stuttering stemming from slight disbelief and semi dramatic shock.    "Ah---aler---allergeeeees?"  Damn just watch those cool points fly and die.

"Well if you didn’t know now you know." I suppress the urge to sing out glory glory. He sits back in his chair and starts to type out a prescription.  He is still shaking his head.   I refuse to succumb to anxiety.  "You must have had this for years.  How do you live like this?"

I reply with silence, no witty response, no charming rebuttal… damn those cool

points! What is he?  Some kind of cool point vampire?!

"Hey wanna see something cool? Go to the mirror cover your left nostril and try to breathe"

I do it.

"I can breathe just fine"

"Close your mouth and breathe into your left nostril"

I do, no air gets in, my left nostril does this weird caving in thing and I start to see stars. 

"Neat huh?  That’s why you’re dizzy. "

Jack ass "Really?"

"Yeah it’s the beginning of the season too."  He says this rather sadly as he spins around to look at me.  "You have a long way to go." Sucks for you is strongly implied.

He proceeds to give me my prescription instructions and makes me promise six times not to use the Afrin more than three days in a row.  I leave to go to the pharmacy.  I’m halfway down the hall when he calls out. "Congratulations on your blood pressure it’s gone down."

Congratulations on your bedside manner, your mother must be proud.   "Thanks"

3 hours later I dose up and realize why he gave me that pity/pained look.

Being able to breathe is awesome

And Afrin is the new hotness.

*Cool Points (noun) : A system that describes how cool a person is. Whenever a person does something good or bad they gain or lose cool points

 Ex: You be losing cool points.

**It: penis, schloong, ram rocket, mini-me, junior, god’s gift, twig, tickle stick, poker, best friend, pecker, peter, pickle, one eyed snake or Mr. Happy 

Ex:  Is it supposed to look like that?