INsIde

 

Inside of me
beneath the skin
beyond the bone
and deep within
there is a dark
dark
dark place
It started small
but now seek space
It growls,
and grows
it's hungry mouth
it takes things in
won't let them out
and I should fear
had it left any in me
that it will consume
my sanity.

 

 

I'm The Moaner

I'm the moaner
I'm the moaner
moooooooooo
ahhhhhhhhh
nerrrrrrrr


I realized why I have been having such a hard time learning my lines
its not because I am frightened:
of preforming on stage
infront of a couple of hundred people
in a tight little pvc dress I have stashed in the back of the closet for
Halloween/ bank holidays/ birthdays and emergencies only

No...it's what comes before all that
the hours spent developing the character
figuring out how she moves, and breathes
taking off my own skin and slipping into hers
like a warm bath
warm moist voluptuous pulsing
inside



She is a woman living her
eccentric, exceptional, divergent purpose

She is a not only a seeker
She is a finder

She is a kind of horticulturist
tending the most tender bloom

She is disciplined
but hungry

A calm, climatic, chaos controlled

And I was frightened of what it means to be her

Because I want so desperately to be her

A confident, calm, climatic, creative chaos controlled.

Normally I can just read something a few times a memorize it.
Its what got me through high school
but this time I couldn't every time I looked at the words on the paper
when I went to speak them aloud
my first thoughts were
this isn't me
I can't do this
It can't be believable
I won't be believable
It went on that way
While trying to read the lines I would avoid looking at myself in the mirror .
I was trying not to hear my own voice
separating it from me
the Moaner from myself
embarrassed, blushing, quite obviously horny as hell.
Just from the first lines
"I love vaginas, I love women. I do not see them as separate things"

I finally settled down and recorded the monologue onto my mp3 player on Monday and listened to it the whole day. Over and over and over again. At first I was startled and disturbed by the sound of my own voice. My voice was sexier than I felt I was or deserved to be. I always like to think of myself as sexy. In my own head. Where the little fragile image was safe from the outside word. I was embarrassed again. Uncomfortable not just because of it but because I was uncomfortable by it. I decided not to focus on it... decided to just approach it in a purely professional manner. I broke it down critqued myself, found pacing but it wasn't until later that night when I was in bed on the brink of sleep running the lines through my head that it clicked

"I love vaginas.
I love women
I do not see them as separate things"

I separate myself from my vagina, my sexuality. I have let myself be convinced that only the women on television and magazines could truly be outwardly sexy. It did not matter that I knew many women who were not that airbrushed ideal, women who I considered to be very sexy, and beautiful. I was still waiting to fit into a certain dress size before I gave myself permission to really fit into being a woman again... waiting to be "pretty" or what I had convinced myself to be "pretty"

"Video gurl" I am not!!!!
but thats okay
as a matter of fact it more than okay

The Moaner is not perfect, idealized beauty.
She is not the sum of her physical parts
The Moaner is in the mind
She is heady in the head
She is raw, sexual, confident
she is unapologetic
she doesn't quite give a fuck
well she does
but when she does she is showing women the door
unleashing
releasing
unbinding
through finding
inhibition
emancipation
reclamation
A confident, calm, climatic, creative chaos controlled.
And
so
am
I

I'm the moaner
I'm the moaner
I'm the
moooooooooo
ahhhhhhhhh
nerrrrrrrr