This gurls got gams!!!

I rolled out of bed this morning rather ungracefully for two reasons...

Reason Number One: I'm sleeping on a day bed with a trundle bed pushed up next to it. Both have comfortable yet temperamental air mattresses which Terick and I discovered on Tuesday night when he got his left shoulder wedged between the trundle and day bed while merely reaching over to rub my tummy after my most recent nightmare and 7am is way to early for something cold and metal to be pressed against my skin... unless it is of a high kink value and this was not one of those cases.

Reason Number Two : I felt extremely bloated. I'm still managing to surf the holiday binge wave via a combination of : other peoples procrastination (i.e. late holiday baking, late New Years Potluck at work, late removal of various holiday goodies from co-worker's household) and my own lack of will and weak rationalization (i.e. there are starving children in Africa who am I to turn up my nose at brie, smoked gouda, raspberry mocha cheesecake, hush puppies, fresh tamales, the most delicious Mexican beans on the Goddess's green earth, and the occasional non-diet coke.) Btw this wave is weakening in strength because the novelty of divergence from my life style change is wearing off and pepto bismo is a horrible after dinner chaser.

I mumble quietly to myself just to alert Jocko that I am awake and moving around the house... Jocko it my ex-neighbors dog. He's better company than some human beings that I know. I'm dog/house sitting while they are away. He's been moping around with a precious moments look in his big brown eyes that just breaks my heart because he misses his mommy and daddy. I wonder if Terick is like that when I am away...

I open the curtains to let in the early morning sun, heat up Jocko's breakfast, give him a good morning scratch for which I am rewarded with a hearty tail wag that stopped as so as my hands are one half inch away from him... at this point I am convinced that he is trying his hardest to stay depressed in hopes of getting some kind of treat. Then I jump into the shower for a brisk cold wake up and head into the guest room to get dressed

That's when it happened.

They have a rather nice sized mirror in the hallway you can see your entire body in it. I usually avoid these contraptions like the bubonic plague ,confused gay men trying to prove to me that they are straight, and ultra conservative born again Christian evangelicals and their children of the corn offspring but I was not able to today because I was still half asleep.

What I saw woke me up fully.

From underneath my pink and brown cotton nightgown appeared two lovely legs. I don't know if it had anything to do with the sunlight streaming in from behind me... but I noticed my legs for the very first time... Oh my goddess! I said to no one in particular... I doubt Jocko was paying attention as he was too busy trying to be depressed. "I have certifiably gorgeous gams, steamy sexy stems, beautiful mahogany voluptuous branches." At this point a heard Stefanie's disembodied voice from the living room say "I hate you".

I stayed in that mirror for at least five minutes turning this way and that in the morning light standing on the balls of my feet kicking, "vouge-ing", touching and other wise molesting my own legs. Up until now the things I liked about myself were pretty minor... my eyes, my lips, my fingers, my pink nails, a couple of months ago I feel deeply in eros with my dred loc'd hair, but aside from that the biggest thing were my breasts because ... well they are breasts for goodness-sakes... what's not to like about them (Terick think's im obsessed with them and way to possessive of them).

But to fall in love with my legs is a positive sign... that I am coming back to me... coming back to loving me and not someone's opinion of me. It's a sign that I am seeing myself, as a woman. As a beautiful woman. Instead of looking first for faults. When I look in the mirror I normally see uneven skin tone, stray hairs that need to be shaved, patches where foundation should be applied, fat tummy, thunder thighs and an ass too large for a few peoples good... and I am torn between running back to bed and hiding underneath the covers with strong urge to become a social recluse or skipping work to put in overtime at the gym.

But not this morning. This morning I was torn between getting to work on time and making love to my new self as a result of this new discovery....

I was a little late ;)

But you'll always be a little bit heavy

 

“But you’ll always be a little bit heavy” She said brushing the crumbs from her big mac off of her sweater. “Besides who cares what you look like.. you already got a man who wants to marry you.”

“I care” I say trying not to stare directly into the beckoning depths of meat, cheese, meat and pickles. I take a swig of aquafina and chant thou shalt not lust, thou shalt not lust over and over to myself

“No you care that other people care.”
I was quiet because it was partially true.

“Well I don’t feel like a woman any more… My period has been missing for seven years,sure it made a brief come back but it lasted as long as that guy from new kids from the block. I shave more often than Terick, I have forgotten where my waist is, i’m to embarrassed to guess, my shoes don’t quite fit, I have hypertension and I’m pre-diabetic and my clothes cost 5 to 10 dollars more because of the extra fabric.”

“Menstruation is messy… I wish mine would go away. Anything else.” She says polishing off the burger… I wanted to lick the paper.

“Yes this goddamn under wire bra is killing me because it is too small but I can not afford to order my size off line… and I’m uncomfortable on long flights”

“If you loose weight your tits will shrivel”

She had me… she knows I love my breasts I even gave them names. I looked down my bra and imagined them giving me precious moments eyes… don’t abandon us they whimpered in unison.

“Gah!!!!” I say hungrily inhaling the fumes of charbroiled mystery meat “You don’t understand.”

“I understand you’re flipping the hell out… maybe you should eat something”

“I don’t want anything from here” I say taking a rather long prolonged glance at the value menu

“Yes you do”
damn she was right about that too.

“Lets get out of here”

“K” She shrugs “You know you should love yourself… forget what everyone else says you are fine just the way you are. Besides You’ll always be a little bit heavy” She says as she retrieved whats left of her evil Starbuck’s Frap

She’s right about that too. She was right about everything except one.

-I should love myself…by doing whats right for myself.  

-I am fine just the way I am… but fine is not good enough. I want to be outstanding, I want to be healthy, I want to be strong,

-Menstrual cycles are messy

-My boobs will shrink but maybe that is a plus because I am lugging around DDs.

*******But I will not always be a little bit heavy!!!!!!

My body is a temple where nobody worships anymore… well my fiance worships on a regular basis but I really should be the main matron.

Step One
-locate my reasons for doing this            *Done
-create a plan                                              *Done
-implement plan                                         *Done
-change plan as necessary                     *Done
-find a support group                                 *Done 43 things :)
-find better friends............................................................................................ an ongoing process ;)

See more progress on: Lose 150 pounds

43 Thangs

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