missrenie: (Default)

I was recently asked the following question:  "How has kink helped you in your day to day life?"  It's a question I get asked often by people who know me and some who don't.  Although its most often phrased as: "Why the hell would you do that?" and quickly followed with the  business card of some really highly recommended physiologist being pressed urgently into my hand.

 

The answer is  involved and goes beyond the obvious of getting to play dress up in latex and leather and killer shoes...although that is a decidedly hot bonus.

 

Kink made an appearance at a very fucked up time in my life. I was just ending a long term relationship that was draining to all parties involved and I had gone from being sexually dead to freakishly alive. I was running wild and doing alot of unsafe things. Kink forced me to stop, listen to my body, get in touch with my body and made me realize that I was searching for very specifiic things:

~validation of my beauty,worth and goodness

~absolution from guilt through punishment

~awareness of my own body

~love and intimacy

 

I found all these things in kink along with some other stuff

 

Being able to withstand focus through extremely painful stimulation has taught me the power of my own mind. My body is screaming stop but my mind is very clearly screaming back "Take another, you can not be broken, will not be broken." Suddenly the aggravations of the mundane day to day became speedbumps instead of huge mountains.

 

The ability to turn pain to pleasure reminds me that the things in life that are hard to deal with have a lesson that goes with them bear any beating life dishes out will make me stronger in the end.

 

I am a huge control freak... life has turned me into that. With kink I am forced to believe that my partner will protect me, listen to me, push me past my comfort level but not past my sanity. Its softened me enough to let the right one in while hardening me enough to tell the wrong one to go directly to hell.

 

Being submissive has also shown me that I AM IN CONTROL. It is the submissive that says when the scene is or isn't over for the most part. It is the submissive that the Dominate is trying to please. It is the submissive that notices, listens, learns, gets under the skin.

 

My submission has shown me my worth and it is the accumulation of everything I am... everything that has brought me to this point in my life. I'm not just a girl bowing down to some Top. I am an intelligent, self possessed, self sufficient woman of color, an entrepreneur, artist and ego maniacal magnificent misfit. And if the Dom can't appreciate all that then he/she doesn't get to play.

 

As a Domme I learned how to give creative loving and intimate service to another person. I learned to listen for the unspoken words, to read sounds, faces, bodies and minds. How to be soft and tender and thoughtful and how important is it to give positive reinforcement to people. How much power I can have over another and how much I should respect that power and the person who gave it to me.

 

The ability to give and receive power in close union with another person as either a submissive or a Domme taught me confidence.  When some trusts you with their physical, emotional and mental safety it is a big responsibility.  If you can handle that you start to figure that you can handle alot of other things.  When you trust someone with your physical, emotional and mental safety you can't allow yourself to get stuck in what you look like as you go about your multitude of demanded tasks.  You have to focus on getting the job done and withstanding  to the best of your ability... not omg I look so fat and ugly right now. 

 

Kink taught me just how damn pretty I am...if you've ever been privileged to see the face of submission you would  how beautiful it is.  It is a beauty composed of love, trust and mutual respect and it is gorgeous regardless of age, weight, features, and blah blah blah.  It is deeper than the skin and beyond the bone.

 

I learned BOUNDARIES. I learned how to say no to myself and others when it is something that is not right for me.

 

The person that I am today was not here two years ago. My relationship broke me and kink was a big part of what rebuilt me. In a crazy fucked up way it was my salvation. It held up a mirror for me to see myself and reshape myself in the image that I chose. 

 

I didn't do it alone... I couldn't do it alone.  I had an amazing loving partner walk me through the rabbit hole.

That was two years ago but it feels like a life time. 

Two years ago I entered a dungeon for the first time

Two years ago I was bound to a mahogany cross of cool polished wood  and  painfully, pleasurably initiated into the surprisingly not so mysterious not so dark world of bondage discipline sadism and masochism

 

I died on that cross

and he brought me back to life

and for that

and for the woman he encourage me to be

I am eternally thankful and grateful.

 

missrenie: (Default)
 There are supposedly five stages of grieving and loss and they are as follows:
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

This afternoon I was furious.  How could you after enduring for two weeks what I have endured for  a year and a half give up on me?  How could you be so jealous and immature, so hurtful and cruel?  I wonder as I write this if you meant to push me to my limits.  If you expected me to beg.  If you wanted me to just have the same feeling of fearful loss that you were.  I wonder if you meant for it to go this far.  If you expected me to reign you in.  I was honest with you... I stood my ground and the summation of it all was the non-consensual ending of this relationship we had.

Did the denial come first.  The belief that "we" were strong enough to handle me actually having the relationship you told me I deserved but you were never able to give... or was it in the belief that I would never grow up.  That I would remain this little girl that you had to protect.  You saved me.  You picked up the broken pieces of me, carried me to the tallest tower and put me back together, you taught me how to fly again then continuously cursed me for wanting to taste the wind.

There will be no bargaining for the price is far too high and I have nothing left... I gave you all I had
there will be no depression I've cried for months and months already
there is only now acceptance of the full reality of the situation,
there is only now the relief of no longer being spit apart in countless painful little ways
there is only now gratitude for what was, for your honesty with yourself and your loving me enough to let me go


I'll never have another like You
I'll never be anyone else's young lady
missrenie: (Default)


Me: This year is passing way too fast

Daddy: It sure is.

Me:: I mean like a whole year and it just keeps going. I wish it would slow down.

Daddy: It doesn’t. Remember when you were a child and it took forever for summer vacation to come and now it is a blink of the eye.

Me:: aye yah it must get worse as You get older huh?

Daddy: it sure does

Me:: I don’t like it

Daddy: (laughing)

Me:: like time must go sooo fast for You

Daddy: it does

Me:: like a week must be a day

Daddy: (chuckling)

Me:: a day must be an hour

Daddy: young lady

Me:: an hour must be like second

Daddy: (growl) young lady

Me:: How can YOU stand it!!!???

Daddy: I’ll show you how I stand it next time I see you.

Me:: Is that a promise Daddy? Are You sure you can remember… i mean sometimes people around Your age are kinda forgetful.

Daddy: I won’t have to remember too long. I’m five minutes from your work.

Me:: … umm i love You?

Daddy: I thought so.

missrenie: (Default)

I didn't use to care.

I never cared.

I mean as long as it fit and I could get from point A to point B comfortably it was all gravy on mama's Sunday best biscuits as far as I was concerned.

But then somewhere around eight or nine months ago He said to me. "I like heels. I think they are hot" and something switched.

Haha switch anyways...

I found my first pair courtesy of Auntie Shadow at Leather Masters. She went through the styles, pros and cons with the confident finesse of a sultry sage I was still very new to all of this... so new what my bottom was still smarting from my fifth ever flogging and consequently complained loudly as I sat down to try on a pair of six inch patent leather platform stilettos with steel grommets accenting the ankle straps.

I stood up... and kept standing. I was pretty sure my nose was going to bleed from the height. And even though I teetered and tottered I dared not take a step. One miscalculation and knew I was headed straight into the boxes and out through the glass. I was already light headed and tumescent from the delicious smell of all that leather.

Auntie Shadow put a steadying hand on my arm and smiled warmly as she asked how I felt in them. When I told her I wasn't sure but they looked nice and fit well she nodded with compassionate understanding and told me to stay for a bit and walk around for a while before I considered purchasing them.

"These are going to take some getting used too." I said gripping her shoulder for a moment.

"Most things that are worth it do"

"I have to get used to them today. Edges is having a prom and..."

"Oh yes I know. " She said with another one of those disarmingly charismatic smiles. “... what are you wearing?"

"I have no idea... I had not thought past the shoes!"

I felt like some kind of twisted Cinderella as I tried on a few things she tossed my way while she told me about the kinky community. In that half an hour I learned alot from listening quietly even though my feet were screaming... she imparted knowledge without even knowing she was doing it. She left a few times to check out costumers and make sure her patrons were comfortable.

I remember three women and one man walking in together. The purchases consisted of two collars a set of metal nipple clamps that looked absolutely vicious. When they left Auntie Shadow noticed me staring after them.

"What is it?"

"They look so normal"

"So do you"

I laughed so hard I nearly fell over.
It was a vast relief to know that the lady knitting a scarf for her grandchild could just as easily scratch those needles up and down my spine, that the guy who fixed my car last week might actually be up for bending my over his knee and spanking me... all of a sudden I didn't feel alone.

In the end I purchased the shoes and my own pair of slightly less vicious nipple clamps along with a few odds and ends that I can not even begin to recount now. As soon as I got home I took the shoes out of the box and stared at them. My toes were recoiling at the thought of being in them again. But my heart was beating with joy at the thought of Daddy's pleasure when he would catch sight of me in them for the first time.

And He was pleased :) even though I was miserable at walking for more than five minutes in them.

When I got home I put the shoes on my kink altar. It didn't seem right to stuff them in a box again... besides I was pissed at them... or rather pissed that my body was neither strong nor graceful enough to handle them.


 

So I did what any girl in her right mind would do in my situation...

I took to doing housework in them to the shock of my roommate her boyfriend and sometimes visitors. I cooked in them, dusted in them, mopped in them(not a good idea). I even went to payless and bought 3 inch normal heels to get myself into shoe shape. I thew out all my non heels save a pair of sneakers and committed myself to conquering those damn stilettos.

I even had conversations with them. I wanted them to know that they were gonna be my bitch someday soon. That my will was stronger than a few aches and pains and pvc. That I was not meant to merely step in these sons of beyotches... noooo I was gonna strut in them.

It was all very "when Tom Hanks met Wilson the Soccerball"

It was kind of Invictus all steeming from that special hell.

You know the one where they send child molesters and people who talk in the theater.

But I did it. after I got over the pain after I built the right muscles in the right places after I learned balance I did it.

Today around 1:30pm I caught myself fawning over another pair I spotted online... another pair I want to break in and own. Another pair that would please Daddy ever so much. I realized in that moment that for the past couple of months I have been doing that. Getting distracted by shoes… all sorts. That when I think of them my head tilts to the side and I clench on the inside a little.

Its not about the sexy

well okay that's a lie. They make my legs look a mile long, lift my ass, accentuate the swish and pretty up the profile but it’s also about conquering something

conquering myself

and that in the end

is really what gets my pussy purring~~~~~~

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missrenie

November 2011

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