It's not that serious

As much as I hated the south

I loved it
It permeated every pore of my body
like some sick and twisted hentia monster
burrowing into every unprotected orifice
and I fought it as it fucked me
but deep inside
I loved it

One of the side effects of this deprived romance was my voice
I used to love my voice
it was
sultry and damp and wet
deep and husky
like a song sung in a smoky blues bar at 2am in the morning
while two lovers fondle eachother in a darkened corner

When I moved to Colorado I lost my voice
I told Terick
don't you understand... my voice was me!
He said
you'll have to find another way to be
I said
but I've lost it... I've lost my voice.. Myself.
He said
that was not you... you are who you are not your voice thats is just a part of you.
And when I moved out to California I convinced myself I was not worthy of it in the first place

But losing my voice was only a side effect of a greater diseases.
PCOS, Chronic Depression, Obsessive Compulsion, and General "I Can't"
which translates to shaving the hair from your face once a day
which translates to eating uncontrollably and then throwing up in the night
which translates to gaining 120 pounds in 6 years
which translates to feeling like crap
which translates to feeling nothing
which translates to cutting your own wrists just to feel
which translates to wallowing in your own stinking piles of disillusion
which translates into becoming a walking tumor

but something else happened too.

I could not look myself in the eyes
when I looked in the mirror I saw something there that frightened me
I could not look in my own eyes... I could not speak with my own voice
My voice was not just something that came from my lips.
It came from my eyes, from my soul
My voice was deeper
my voice
my sexuality
my feminine
my power
my root
my cave....

me

For the past 6 years I have sounded like a little girl, scared, timid, sweet, obliging bullshit.
For the past 6 years silenced my voice by choking on the fear of being who I am made to be

But not now
last night
I found my voice
while he was inside of me
even though this has nothing to do with him
he just happened to be lucky enough to be there for the ride
when
I found my voice
and it came as I came
sultry
damp
wet
husky
and deep from the south of me

This morning as I looked in the mirror
I saw me staring back and I did not look away
"ah fuck yeah" I breathed exhaling against the glass
I breathed in my voice "We got that bitch good didn't we"
That bitch?
The person who I pretended to be for 6 years and longer maybe
the tumor the weak cancer that surrounded the goddess that I am at the core
"oh yeah honey we got rid of her good didn't we?"

I moaned into the mirror
in my voice
a voice like
a song sung in a smoky blues bar at 2am in the morning
while two lovers fondle each other in a darkened corner
my voice
my sexuality
my feminine
my power
my root
my cave....

me