Smoke Screens

[missrenie]

I care too much about what other people think
I feel as if I am straddling some unmarked line
I am so uncomfortable with myself
I am really going to try to use I less
but its hard
to write I mean.

At my center
at my core I feel something that isn't me
something that wants me to stay the way I am
some poison

I get angry and mad and defensive
I jump to conclusions because I know that something is off inside of me
All that other bullshit is just smokescreens.
I pretend confidence, I pretend to love me
but I know... when I am alone.. when everyone goes home
and its just me and the thoughts rattling around in my head

I know
but

the strong woman inside of me is starting to punch through the weak one
the wild womun inside of me has a hold of the demons
and I feel like I am trapped in the storm... sometimes I am the wild womun the huntress the wolfe and others I am the demon, the rejected, the vile abasement
sometimes I am neither
and sometimes that feels worse

I know that I am not making sense to anyone but myself
but there is a war going on in my head
in my soul
in my heart
I'm trying so hard not to run from the storm
I'm trying to embrace it and let it change me

do or do not eh? there is no try
the floor that was my foundation has faded fast
as soon as I realized that I was walking on smoke screens

I began to fall
free fall

And someone may want to reach down and pull me up... the ones that love me the ones that care
but I've gotta pull myself up
because in the end when I look in the mirror

I want to know that I did it
that I crawled on my own hands in knees
I want to feel the ache the pain that comes with growth

I want to laugh like an insane woman as I spit back into that dark pit from wench I came.
The satisfactory sizzle  sound of water hitting the flames below.

I want to pull myself through that canal and be reborn
or die trying
and I will die trying
at least figuratively
and wether or not im ready for that
its happening.

And the me that is less than is scared shitless
And the me that is greater than ... I have yet to know.