Rubenesque Burlesque does Star Wars

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Sorting out

So my room is a mess
which is normally an indication that I am a mess

Its a pattern.
I make a mess in my room so that I have to clean it
through cleaning it I regain control
and that control makes me feel like I can take the other messy parts of my life and clean that as well.

Sometimes though I need help
and I wasn't expecting the help
but it came in a big way
and I wish I had the words to convey exactly how much it means to me
Not only did yall stop me from drowning, yall noticed I was drowning, yall decided to throw me a rope and more than the rope is the knowledge that you have enough faith in me to reach out to me to pull me to a place where I could once again stand on my own is humbling and makes me wanna cry in the happiest way.

My words are thank you... thank you for taking me in, for caring for me like family.
My actions will be a reflection of your kindness, your consideration, your encouragement
Because of yall
I can sort this out
Because of yall
I have a second chance
Because of yall
this future I had planned, this dream, this desire, this call, this passion, this life, my life
Because of yall
I can

I did not even realize that I had given up.
That I felt so lonely and so used up that I had given up
I was falling, kicking and screaming, grabbing at air but knowing that I was gonna hit the ground and shatter and break and face hard recovery.  And while I appeared to be putting up a good fight I had accepted that.... part of me had accepted that utter loss of hope but yall found my hands and gripped my arms and took the weight of me so that I could find my footing again and climb back and past the place I once was.


Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

I'm gonna make you proud
I'm gonna make me proud
and then I'm gonna do for someone else what yall so lovingly and selflessly have done for me.

Outside

Over a year ago I met a man
he clothed himself  the skin of a slaughtered sheep and presented himself to me. When I discovered him for the wolf he was.I was more annoyed than anything else.  I processed it, blogged about it, let it go, laugh about it now until a few days ago.

I am too close to that feeling I had with him... reaching out with naked fingertips only to be stopped two inches above his skin by some impenetrable and invisible force.

I wonder
if its a sign

A sign that I should not be standing here
Outside this door whose bell I have just rung
Just waiting in the dark with this thing

This present.
The best present, the most valuable one and of the highest quality and worth
it was created nearly thirty years ago in the rich fertile brown silken southern delta
it has been hardened by uncontrollable environmental influences
it has been softened by intuitive, introspective and empathic work
it has been tempered in fires of tests and trial
it has been colored with passionate crimsons, calming cyans, rich ambers, bounteous greens and vibrant violets 
it's not new...
it's been used but that wear and tear and those imperfect factions reflect all those people, places and things that have left its mark upon it... and that is where the brilliant shine comes from.

I am unique
one of a kind
I'm waiting for you to grab me
I'm waiting for you to unwrap me
I'm waiting for you to touch me
I'm waiting for you to let me in, let me close, slip me on and trust me not to fall off, or fade away or break.

But I won't wait long