16

I have to pause

I have to take a deep breath and smooth my skirt
run nervous fingers through my hair 

because I feel all of an awkward anxious  16
its intoxicating and infuriating

My thoughts slip away
hungrily consumed by some sort of off beat chance

I kick my heels and squeal
I question and doubt, calculate, recalculate and then reconstruct wild theories based on a math I can not even begin to understand.

I cover my face with my hands
hiding the  embarrassment and enthrallment 

I want to cry because my confidence can not shield me as I struggle for composure
my hands burn to touch
my lips eager to taste
my head aches to understand
and my heart
irregular
remembering a rhythm of a not so distant past beats a chilled warning through my bones and at the same time a newborned  yearning cadence that courses wet and warm from hip to tit and toe to crown,

This drum song fills my ears
like a rolling ocean
I'm trapped in the wave
a frantic
a frightened
a fascinated
a fixated
16 

in the sixteen steps it takes to cross the street
reach the door
and say hello