so there's a problem

I haven't broke down...
just a couple of tears here and there.

I thought I was functioning and functioning well.  Work, massage, exercise, social life, water intake, weekly chores...

One of my weekly chores is grocery shopping.  I decided to treat myself to trader joes and whole foods.  I came home toting two reusable cloth bags stocked with greens and goodies and went directly to the  fridge to put them away... but I couldn't.

I couldn't because they wasn't any space for them

There wasn't any space for them because I still had food in the fridge from last week

Which was odd because I haven't gone out to eat lately.

I dropped the bags on the floor and sat down infront of the fridge to think while my roomate's pitbull Tank decided whether or not he liked fresh my fresh burdock root… he didn’t

 

The numbers in my head just didn’t add up and I had to resort to pen and paper to figure out just what I had been eating for the past two weeks.  Turns out there were whole days where I didn’t eat at all.  And most days I had homemade hummus and veggies, no breakfast, no dinner…

This at least explains the reason why I have been so light headed

 

Some how I had swung from miss compulsive over eater to miss missing meals regularly.

The disturbing thing was that I wasn’t disturbed.

 

So I talked to Dre

And I figured out

That I am trying to end all my toxic relationships, all my controlling relationships, all my limiting relationships… including my oft fucked up relationship with food.

 

So last night I tried again.

I sat on the couch with a small container of roasted veggies and after three bites I broke down crying.  Really crying…

 

Me crying,

fucking sobbing into a bowl of shitake mushrooms for christ sakes!!

I gave up, drank a liter and a half of water and called it a night.

 

This morning I went to the Dr. to see about my ankle and found out that I dropped 3 more pounds over the weekend.  It’s not like I can’t stand to lose the weight.  But I don’t want to give myself a complex in the process…  I really don’t need another one.

 

I made it through the meal today...mushrooms and all.  Even though every time I reached for the bowl I ended up grabbing the water bottle instead… it took me an hour to eat.

 

 

(fucking sigh)