The truth.

"You're lying
about something", she said as she held her hand over my neck. I could feel the reiki moving through her and into me. A heartbeat formed in my throat. Pulsing, throbbing "Or is your throat sick?"
"My throat has been a little sick, a little scratchy."

The truth is that I was lying
About a lot of things
Important things

See the truth is this, this thing that I do not want to look at. The truth means questions and answer with messy routes to get to them. Straight forward as those answers are… they may still cause heads to rolls, feelings to get hurt, illusions shattered into tiny shards of sand, dreams dashed dramatically against razor pointed proverbial rocks (not all my dreams… other peoples dreams too). And I just feel like…
Well
Damn

I already waded through a big pile of bullshit and now that I reached the other side and scrambled up the hill I hoped to see a spa treatment fit for at least a demi-goddess instead I find another mind blowing pile of bull. I guess I have a lot more to learn… or better yet I have to apply to my life the things that I have learned. So yeah I'm not Jedi yet but damn Yoda can't you cut a gurl some slack?

This truth thing touches every part of my life

Its not lies that I told other people… I used to lie a lot as a child and as a young adult because I wanted people to like me. No matter how much I dressed in multiple layers of black with matching onyx nail lacquer and shied away from who I considered to be the brain washed masses. I wanted to be liked and loved.
Since accepting this and growing up a bit and realizing that so what if every one does not like me I stopped lying… so much… It's still kinda hard to tell certain people when some article of clothing, collectible trinket, or behavior is the reason the word ugly was created

No
It's lies that I told myself… about myself that are getting to me. That tasty yet empty meal of delusions
Appetizer: Denial
Soup Course: Luke warm serving of Settling
Main Course: Self Destructive Behaviors
And for Dessert: Anything that you can convince yourself it true (which is harder to get rid of than cellulite)
And its all coming back up
And it stinks and burns

I knew when I started this whole… "Living my life to my fullest potential" thing that it was going to be an experience that words could not quite capture. This is not a singular experience. Every one has gone through it in some degree or form or fashion. It is different for everyone and in its purest essence it is the same. I have watched the people that I have admired struggle through it and emerge as (again a loss for words)
I'm not depressed or even daunted

I'm just tired

The truth takes everything from you
Things that you think you need
The truth takes everything from you
And leaves just you.
A frighteningly beautiful limitless you .
It's just a difficult detox
Its uncomfortable.

And at this moment and in this now I just want someone to hold back my hair for me.