Circus Act

In my dreams
I’m dressed in a horrendous white tutu
the theme from swan lake blasting so loud that my ears ache
no umbrella...
no shoes...
no net...
no audience
just bare feet on white rope
It’s happening again and I have no intent to let it.
I am not sure wether or not it is the medication, depression or if my brain  is actually trying to turn itself off as a defense mechanism or a combo of two or more of the mentioned above.
I’m forgetting again
names, events in the recent past, things that I have just said
things are slipping out of my hands
its dangerous for me to drive ... unless it is really early in the morning.
And to top it all off the muscle spasms started this morning.
I want to break down and cry but I know that is just plain childish
not to mention a complete waste of time
There are people all over the world taking medication and having horrible reactions
I am no different from them.
And in many ways I am better off
But I worry about messing up.
Not for my sake
but for the people whom I affect
wether it be in friendship or work.
I worry because I am slipping off the tightrope that I am precariously trying to cross.
I can focus
I just have to try harder
I can have discipline
and this will make me stronger
I can see the other side.