The message was a few lines:
Yeah, it is time for me to wish you happy birthday again, without having seen you for a year. So much happened in your life since I’ve seen you and I don’t know the half of it. Sigh
Hope you aren’t hiding in a hole and are out there living the good life. Lots of people love you a lot and you need to keep in touch with them! SoCal? Really? What’s up with that? Anyway, if you want to know about my life, you have to tell me about yours.
I typed in "Nothing much I'm a massage therapist now :)" and almost hit send.
But I didn't
Alot has happened.
Alot has changed.
To say oh nothing would be a gross understatement. So I told her what happened to me.... in third person. Not because I am an ego maniac, but because its really too painful to think of myself as this stupid.
It helped... it truly helped
Because now I know where I have been
Although I can see where I am going
Even if I'm far from certain of where I’ll end up
That's just fine with me
Because I made it here… I am exactly where I need to be.
Where I am supposed to be and where I chose to be.
__Our Story so Far__
We last left our unlikely heroine in San Jose. It was the end of February 2007 beginning of March. She had just successfully:
-gotten one of her friends out of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship,
-reluctantly left her stable albeit low paying job at the law firm to navigate the unpredictable torrid waters of Los Angeles at her fiancées enthusiastic and guilt riddled request
-sold or giving away 90% of her personal belongs in preparation for the relocation
- and moved in with his parents.
-and is engaged in an open relationship with fiancee and said from above friend.
Two weeks later (still in withdrawal from the massive ego high of playing the moaner) she is working at Walgreens i.e. the "Pit of Despair". Her fiancée who is unemployed and has been since November of 2006 is depressed and mentally MIA due to the apparent fall through of the LA thing (soon to be termed the “Great LA Fiasco of 2006”) . This leaves her to fend off debit collectors, default payments, and the repo man on her lonesome.
In April while busting her ass at Walgreens i.e suckville USA, facing financial ruin and living with her fiancée’s dysfunctional family her fiancée is not only passing his time crawling into World of Warcraft the way some manic depressives crawl into a bottle but also crawling into the “friend” she helped out of dire situation. Although the relationship is an open one and she understands that means sex she’s hurt… he should have been spending at least some of that time doing the laundry... this can not continue.
She goes to speak to him about her leaving Wal-hell and instead of getting the comfort/promise to help out that she is hoping for she is cut off and mournfully inquired as to wether or not she is leaving him.
She thinks to herself that that is a brillant idea and replies enthuastically in the affirmative.
He is so overcome that he leaves her bed to go into the bed of his other partner the "friend" who comes and tells her that she will help her get back home to New Orleans. Our heroine finally puts 2 and 2 together as the "friend" embraces her and tells her to just let it all out. She cries but mostly out of the halirity of the situations. She realizes that this is single white female without all the white females.
She decides to let the "friend" and former fiancee ride off into the sunset together. She knows he will be back because... well the friend isn't her. And she is right. It took all of 7 days before it all went to hell for the new little unit. The friend leaves the fiancee comes back and confesses that the friend was making him choose between them for the last few months and telling her that she was a cold, heartless, selfish and going to leave him for someone better anyway. He now realizes that swf has been twisting her words and manipulating him.
Our main girl realized that 8 days ago. "Why didn't you ask me how I felt" she asks and for the first time is really hurt.... even more than she was over the laundry.
She was becoming distant
Her excuse for becoming distant
His not bringing in money, helping with the chores, or looking for a job was a personal pet peeve and massive turn-off.
This recent turn of events inspires her toward her own semi-dramatic mental break down (why should he get all the fun). She quits, moves into the spare bedroom, re-evaluates her life and enrolls in massage school all with-in 48 hours. She figures she has nothing else to lose. Its now early May.
By the end of May she has a job that pays her twice what the other use too, her ex-fiancée is her fiancée again (our heroine is obviously injecting heroin) and the LA job offer finally looks like it is going to go through. She refuses to go to LA despite the pleading of the fiancée and his mother. She realizes that she had given up way to much of her life and needs to get herself straight and on track because she can’t depend on him for anything stable.
He doesn’t go to LA without her.
It’s now July and lo and behold after eight months he finally joins her in the land of productive adults. He gets a job.She’s overjoyed. After all last time he was unemployed it took him a year to find a job. He’s cut his refresh rate down by 4 months!!!
They go to couples counseling.
Her week looks like this
40 hrs work
10 hrs traffic
16 hrs school
5 hrs gym
10 hrs massage application
She still comes home and does the laundry and cooking because even though he only works 25-35 hours a week and lives close to his job he forgets to do chores. And she is too exhausted to complain.
It’s August and she wants to move into their own place… he suggest they wait until she finishes school. Besides her rent money helps his mom out a lot since his dad hasn’t worked in 25 years. It’s a good thing they do because in February he is unemployed again. Happy New Year!!!!
In May 2008 she graduates from NHI. And becomes a Certified Massage Therapist. She has held down a 3.96 GPA and has been class leader for the past six months. She has made wonderful friends for life, conquered an obsessive compulsive eating disorder, discovered how awesome life could be with a self esteem and started calculations regarding her own personal worth.
She tells him she is moving out in three months. He can only come with her if he starts acting like a man. By late July he has a job. But in August she starts to notice patterns, cycles, red flags, unacceptable behavior ( he fucks around on her while she's at home visiting her mother for the first time in three years) and she slaps herself. She looks at her relationship closely and is finally able to see that 3d image 75% of the population insisted was there but she declared as a hoax.
There is a laundry list of things but is sums up to this. He is not the man(baby) she wants in her life and she does not want to be the woman (mother) he needs her to be in his. All signs point to yes, the stars are (mis)aligned… they must part ways.
Since they still share a car she gives him until the end of September to get his affairs in order. It’s a slow but friendly break up… so far.
Because despite everything.
She still loves him.
He made mistakes, she certainly has made mistakes. They both have been selfish, and childish, easy to defer blame, accept undeserved credit and shun self responsibility.
She still loves him
In her heart she wishes things could have been different. Nine years…for nine years. He has been her best friend, her lover, her partner, her shining knight, her shoulder to lean on, both crutch and hurdle, simultaneous curse and cure.
And she has been that to him.
She still loves him
But she knows her worth and has chosen to love herself more.
The new chapter begins this October.
All my love,
ps. There are something’s I left out... like scandalous kink, moonlight skinny dipping, semi naked photo shoot, losing my car, and a brain tumor scare... But all those things resolve themselves for the best.