missrenie: (Default)
I’ve decided to withdraw from this battle.
I lay down my shield and sword and I shake off all this armor.
And even though I’m no longer kicking and screaming I’m not as serene as I appear to be. I still feel you moving around in my body, stirring my blood, fevering my brain but it gets better. Since I’ve acknowledged it everyday gets easier. You’re more of a ghost than tangible touch now.

It surprises me that its harder getting over the dream than it was to get over the reality. And now that I have finally begun the process of letting go, since I stopped medicating myself with a hyper active social life and schedule I’m oh so sensitive to everything.
I feel pain, longing, loneliness, anger and grief.

I’m finally in mourning…
I was so arrogant that I believed that allowing myself to feel these things was a sign of weakness.

After all I was the one who left you right?

Who was I to miss you, miss us, miss what could have been or be angry at “what should have been”. But I can be this way. I can be pissed off at losing my best friend. I can mourn the death of this relationship. I can miss the way our bodies moved together and the way we had with words. I can grieve… it is well within my rights to grieve.

I spent 16 months running from this feeling that is washing over me right now because I was terrified of drowning in it. And guess what? Even though I am in over my head with it I can still breathe. And that is kinda pissing me off too. Knowing that I can in fact breath without you… I should have tried to far sooner.

Ten years ago I laughed when I asked you ”What did I think about before I thought of you?”

Now I remember. And I am upset about that too. I am enraged at how I allowed myself to be so dedicated and consumed by us that I let me wither away. That I allowed the value of my word to tarnish that I let my ambition lay furrow in a vast field of opportunity.

I’ve decided to withdraw from this battle of looking for that person to be “us” with.
I have decided to lay down my shield and sword and shake off all this armor so that I can relearn to breathe just for me.
I have decided to remember my own thoughts.
I have decided to reclaim my word and properly nourish my ambitions.
I have decided to let go of this hope for you and me
I have decided to surrender the dream of somesort of “us”
So that I can live the victorious reality

Of me.
missrenie: (Default)
 

5:30am

Me:      I had this really weird dream last night…

Terick: Really?

Me:      Yeah, I dreamed that I was hungry and I was looking for something to eat.  I didn't want Jack in the Box or McNasties I wanted Whole Foods but I couldn't find one so I was like- fuck it and went home.

Terick: Wow that's odd.

Me:      Why?

Terick: I had the same dream.

Me:      Really

Terick: Yep… but instead of food it was sex.

INsIde II

Feb. 13th, 2007 01:17 pm
missrenie: (Tree of Knowledge)

This voice is inside my head
and it is screaming
so loud
trying
so hard
to get out
to break out
to break
my head
is splitting
into two
my brain is pulsing
with each heart beat
faster
faster
more
more
bigger
bigger
threatening to expose itself
to break the skin
crack the bone beneath
and blossom
an ugly purple orchid organ
vomiting
from the shell
no
it does not at all bode well.

 


missrenie: (Default)

I had a particularly odd dream last night
well last night was just
odd
I kept getting little pains all over my body
deep throbbing pains
like every time my heart pumped pains
When I finally fell asleep
I had my hands curled into fists under my stomach which I slept on
I woke up three times thinking I had developed some sort of weird cancerous tumor or my left ovary was finally about to rot off from years of non use
but I was to depressed and too tired to do anything about it at the moment
not even groan
besides I didn't want to deal with waking up Terick because he might remember that he fell asleep trying to get some
and restart his campaign
So if it was cancer then there was nothing I could do about it seeing as I have no insurance and no money I feel back to sleep
and that's when I had the dream

I was in an office... kinda like a doctors office. A new age one except for the fountain in the middle of the floor. Some enya-isque muzak wafted in from an unseen source. The room was brightly lit with multiple wall sconces. The seating was one long couch which circled the entire room and there was only one door. Everyone was relaxed... as a matter of fact it was the most relaxed I had ever seen people. I felt totally out of place.

The door opened. A woman in brightly colored world design scrubs came in. “Irene Solonge McCalphin you can come in now.” I stood and walked after her into the next room. She was gone and instead of the plush warm atmosphere of the waiting room I was surrounded by cold white walls with glaring florescent light. Despite the matrix like setting my first thought was... omg I look horrible under florescent lighting.
“Uncomfortable isn't it?” a voice said

I turned around and seated at a steel table in a steel chair with his hands folded neatly was one of the most drop dead gorgeous men I had ever seen... He was a hybrid of Johnny Dep and Jeff Goldbloom He was dressed like a Santa Cruz native calm conscious and classic.
“Please have a seat Ms McCalphin”

He didn't have to ask twice. He leaned forward. Looked me right in the eye and said “Do you know why you are here?”
“Not really”
“Notice anything odd?”
“Yeah... Where are the doors?”
“There are none I don't want you getting away before i'm done with our little chat”
“I think this is a dream”
“You would.”
“It is'nt?”
“I guess life it a dream, isn't that how the song goes?"
”Soooo this is a dream?”
“Your about to wake up.”
“Excuse me?”
“If life is a dream you're about to wake up.”
“Ummmm”
“You are going to die”
“...”
“Alright you're reasonable enough as mortals go... I can give this to you straight.”

All of a sudden the room changed and we were back in the room with the fountain except no on was there and I was in a hospital gown on a padded table with stir ups like the ones in the gynecologist office. Still no door.

“Look honey your killing yourself.. The lack of exercise, your diet, your self-esteem, your stress levels... hell if the pcos doesn't get you the cancer will or a stroke or diabetes.”
“You know about the pcos?”
“Yes and that was a test and i'm sorry to say that you are failing miserably.”
“I knew it was a test” I said indignantly
“Look I'm sorry... I'm trying my best to keep you here but you're working so hard against me that I might have to recall you and re-issue you.”
“Recall me?”

He put the little clip board he was holding into my hands.
“Yes dear, recall you... Do you know who I am?”

There was a moment of infinity with him just staring at me. And all of a sudden it clicked.
“Noooooo” I said like one whose missed the punch line on a joke and just had it explained with use of graphs, visual aids and baby words.
“Yes”
“Your the god damn grim reaper right?”
“That depends on what you mean by god, hell doesn't exist and  that's not what my mother named me"

"You have a mom?  What did she name you?"
"That's not important and your taking us off topic"

"Oh... sorry"
"No problem...look this is your last warning Irene.. I can't do anything more for you after this”
“Last warning what about my first!?”
“You're soo dense dear you really need to look around you more often.. Anyway get your shit straight... you have too much to do here okay. I really don't want to recall you early it's unnecessary paperwork.”

The table disappeared and I was dressed again. There was a door.
“Do we understand each other?”

I nodded
“Good girl now scoot”

And I woke up.
I rolled over and shook Terick

“I'm dying!” I said once he groaned
“Yes yes every second we live we die. Go back to sleep.”


 

 

The dream

Oct. 1st, 2005 02:26 pm
missrenie: (Default)

The dream returns  

I can feel it again...

wrapping around me like an old familar cloak. the darkness setting in... the feeling seeping out.

I have to stop it.

Before I stop caring.

How long have I been like this.

I'm afraid.

I cant sleep again.

My sanity is the sands upon the shore.I am having those thoughts again. The ones that creep up on me when I am not looking.

"kill yourself" the voice in my head says.

Why?" I ask like a silly child walking besides a dangerous stranger.

He grips my hand firmer leans down and smiles at me his teeth a brillant white against his pale cold skin. "Why live my sweet?" he replies. His hollow black eyes shining like headstone marble in susnset.

"Why live." I try to run from him but I get lost and end up in the corner of some backstreet crying my eyes out. And then there he is again. Leaning over me offering my hand takes me back into the enchanted forest... and we walk and talk about the weather until it turns to winter and he says

"all dies why not you."
 I break away from him and running into a feild. He smiles runs after me...his arms wind around my waist  and he  throws me to the ground. The dying sun making a bright orange halo over his head I look up at him comfortable in the soft grass

"Why not now. So much pain in life. You don' even know what you are doing with your life."he says and he lowers his lips to mine and whispers the words to me so that they become my own.

"If life is to be lived over and over again why not just be reborn and begin again."
"I am not a nano pet. People just don't have reset buttons. What about my friends my family...Terick what about them"
"You will have me"
The air grows cold it is always cold in my dreams. I wake up from a drug induced sleep. To proceed into a drug induced day. Everything is like quicksand around me. It is so hardto focus. to remember what I did last should I write everything down to remember. Am I finally getting my wish. Am I fading from reality. I do not want to be like this. I do not want to go back there. I do not want to do it.

I do not want to erase myself but it seems as if I have no control of it. I am outside of my self besides myself. HIdden I am on automatic. MY head is killing me. I have so much pain every time I try to come back to myself it hurts and I get all sleepy and that is how I am right now sleepy I just wan tto sleep all the time Like at Dillard.

My sanity is the sands upon the shore.

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