Stranger than Fiction Part 1: The Dude

Weird stuff has been happening to me.  And I am going to start documenting it.   Like today at 2:50…

Phone rings

Me::     good afternoon --------- how may I help you

Dude:  Hi… how are you?

Me::     I'm wonderful… how are you and how may I help you?

Dude:  you can help me by telling me how come you're so wonderful

Me::     I'm alive!

Dude: What?

Me::     I'm alive?

Dude:  I wish I were smoking what you are smoking

Me::     Excuse me sir? (The only reason I don't hang up is because I am not sure if he is one of our eccentric vendors or partners.)

Dude: I just wish I were wonderful too. (wondering what  he's smoking)

Me::     well maybe I can help.  What is your reason for calling ------- today?

Dude: we heard you were moving and we would like to see if --- ------ could assist you with that

Me::     I'm sorry we already moved last month

Dude:  well isn't that a bummer…. Hey are you a Latina?

Me::     No, I'm not 

Dude:  What are you?(its been a boring day I can use a distraction)  

Me::     I'm a Virgo

Dude:  No kidding I'm a Pisces we're compatible.  Are you single? (wow he's light on his feet)

Me::     …

Dude:  I'm from the bay area.  You don't sound like you're from here.  Are you sure you’re not a Latina?

Me::     (wondering how far the rabbit hole goes)I'm from the south maybe that's what you are hearing

Dude:  south… hey what part?

Me::     New Orleans

Dude:   Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez… yeah baby… hey I'm sorry about that whole Katrina thing.  I asked God why we have to have natural disasters you know?  Why can't the world be fun land.  Like the continents all theme parks.  I asked god that.  I was like hey god why can’t life one big fun ride.  Free love, bright lights, good food, free love…(at this point something shiny catches my attention outside in the parking lot and I am only paying enough attention to catch his not so subtle hints at sex in a liberated society.  I was up to five before the old school sweet ass Pontiac Tempest pulled away. It was the second time I had seen a car like that today... I sighed.  It was a beautiful car.  It was hot.  I missed it already.  I sighed and he thought it was for him.)  You know what I'm talking about.. don't you?

Me::     No

Dude:  Sure you do.  A sexy sounding Latina like yourself. (pretty sure he is smoking)

Me::     ummm I'm sorry sir but I have to get back to work

Dude:  Yeah like your really working… your probably looking at hot guys on the internet

Me::     No I'm not

Dude:  Oh yes you are.  I bet you have it all minimized on your screen.

Me::     I'm not!!! (feeling weird for defending myself to this weirdo)

Dude:  It's okay.  You should just admit it

Me::     I admit nothing

Dude:  Well I admit that I would like to get your number.  Can I get your number?

Me::     No

Dude:  Oh well worth a shot.  You do have a sexy voice.  You shouldn't use it at work.  It's a turn on.  It's like waving a red flag.

Me::     (Pouring on sexy voice) Can you do me a favor?

Dude:  Anything if you're gonna ask like that.

Me::     Can you take me…  off your calling list.

Dude:  …You're a frosty lady.

Me::     No, but I am a wonderful one.  Thanks for your call.

And I hang up