THE LIST

I couldn't  bring myself to put into words what I was feeling while we were together. Because whoever read it would hate you.  And no matter how much I would verbally acknowledge that it was only my side of the story I would write it like it was the ultimate truth.

Because for me it is the truth

I have to do this... get this out so I can wash our blood off my hands and be done with it.  I will accept my role of excutionor of our relationship, of your sweet innocence, I will be the villan if I must.  If it means gaining my freedom, my sanity I will slit the throat of what we called out love, I will burn the corpse and I will bury it. 
 

 

 

This is not a bad dream you’re going to wake up from
a joke that isn’t funny
a phase I’m going through

You tell me that there is no one to blame
You tell me that you changed

Although you belived the relationship to be broken you also belived yourself to be correct in most things. So how could you not blame me. If you weren’t messed then it had to be me.

How could you change, how could you fix something you don’t believe is broken? 

For 6 years you blamed me in your own way and I am angry
 

I’m angry
It took years but now I am angry
I’m mad as hell

For all the lies you said were merely ommisions on your part
For fucking her while I worked  all day and you did jack shit
and then... then telling me I was becoming distant 
For telling me that my thoughts were bullshit
For bringing bad food in the house when you fucking knew I was pre diabetic and trying to diet

Do you even know what I gave to you?
What I gave up to be with you?

My  body… holy fuck what I put my body through
My spirit… broken and caged, battered and tamed
My mind… forced into a logic square so you could understand

 

There were things I did that I didn’t want to do.  That you nagged me into doing so long that I gave in.  I gave in.

I fucking caved! And then when I curled up in a ball… as fetal as I could get to protect myself, to erase myself, to forget …you would rub my back and say…   I thought you wanted this/it/ whatever because you said yes.

You have the nerve to say "I though you wanted it because you said yes"
I fucking said yes because I was so tired of you forgetting I said no
Over and over and over and over again

 NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

 

I wanted you to understand it
I wanted you to feel it

I wanted you to feel violated, and dirty and used and broken, and tiered, and taken for granted, and blamed, and made to feel guilty

Guilty
You told me, you tell me… “I only wanted to make you happy, I couldn’t make you happy”

I am not hard to make happy.  I used to think I was.  I used to think I was a rotten spoiled worthless bitch because of this relationship.  

 

I wasn’t happy… how could I be

 

-paying all the bills

-working all day while you were jobless and fucking her

-comforting you when things went bad

-having to change everything about myself when you didn’t

-cooking three meals a day from scratch

-living with your friends

-living with your parents

-cleaning all the time

-doing all the laundry

-having the validity of my feelings reduced to chemical responses

-actively discouraged from having my own bank account

-bearing the burdens of two adults

- guilted into sex

 

I hate that I cringe at the things I did for and to myself for you.

I hate the constant swing from mad to depressed.

I hate that  you proved to me that I can hate that which I love. 

I hate my body for reacting to your touch when I didn't want it.  Even though I say no my body remembers yes.  I harden and throb, become moist and open.  I am betrayed. 

Sometimes  by my bodies silent cries of yes
Sometimes I feel betrayed by my minds resounding no. 
Everytime I was broken just a little bit more.

I HATE WHO I AM AROUND YOU!!!!!!!
I FUCKING HATE WHO I AM AROUND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thats the worst
thats what hurts the most
thats what can't be fixed.

you fucking broke me you arrogant jack ass, you lazy waster of talent and time.  you undead, unfeeling spirit,
you fucking broke me down under the pretense that you were building me up
you fucking broke me down just like you father did to your mother
just like you fucking swore you would never ever do to me

you sucked the life from me like a parasite
you sucked the hope from me like a disease
you sucked the soul from me like a demon spawn
and then you tried to make me feel the villian

so you could be the victim because its easier for you
so much easier for you to be the victim

and thats the problem
you take the easy way out all the time.

you were non confrontational with me, with life, you let it drag you along, you let me drag you along
like the dead weight you are.  the dead weight I refused to belive you are.

But you know what
I thank you for showing me how strong I truly am
I thank you for forcing me into a corner so I could learn to fight with my back against the wall
I thank you for showing me what hunger feels like
I thank you for showing me what lies love can tell, you cleared my vision, cured me of a childish fancy
I thank you for shaping me, hardening me, putting me through the fire for I am now crucible, I am now uncrushable.
I thank you for stripping me of everything that I once was.  Because what I was was not fit to measured.
I thank you for helping/forcing me to become what I am today because what I am today is beyond my own comphrension.

There was a woman I met. 
A crone tucked away near the steps of the catherdral in Jackson Square. 
I was 17... it was three months before I had even laid eyes on you. 

She told me that we would met. 
That you would help me by hurting me.  That we would be married before I finished school, that I would leave you some day because you would turn me into a woman but you yourself would remain a boy.  That you would lead me to the crossing and I would leave

I thought I had gotten around it because even though she described you to a perfectly I became infertile, I never finished school, we never got married.

But she was right. 

We were never married in a public office or before our peers but we exchanged vows.  You before your god and me before mine
I did indeed become a woman while you remained a boy.
I am at the crossing now I carry my children in my blood, in my heart, in my spirit.




Last Saturday
Right as I was leaving...
as I stood in the entry way...
as removed my key from its chain and placed it in the bowl by the door
I faltered.

my feet were heavy
my heart ached
and I looked for a sign

I heard Ron's voice from the doorway say to me
"Don't look back, Don't look back Renie you'll turn into a pillar of salt"
and I turned around
and I faced the day
the gentle rain outside
a river falling from the sky
free falling
free like me
and I screamed one short, violent cry as the door clicked close behind me.

And in it was sadness, and happiness, and pain and pleasure and joy and relief 


and it hurt... but now I can see the world strecth open wide and vast before me. Full as the harvest moon, ripe as the perfect fruit and I am reintroduced to me, reborn in this reality, realized fully and finally at peace, finally happy to be me, finally

Free.