Discipline

 Years ago when I was at Dillard University (Dear gawdess 8 years ago. Am I really that old now?)… I had a sensei.  She was a short Japanese woman with hair the color of oil, eyes as warm as coal and a voice as soft as a dark winter's coat. Even though her actions and her mannerisms were nothing but kind and gentle it only took a single spark to set her off .  Oil burned, coal glowed and someone was going to get it.  She normally reserved these outbursts for when the class failed to grasp something after it was repeated 100 times. 

Sensei invited me into her office once.  I had never been given a direct summons  and we just completed finals. I assumed I had passed but the cocky arrogant self assurance fleeted away with each step that I took down that short corridor to her door.   After about 5 minutes of pleasantries exchanged in Japanese with a lot of "I'm sorry please repeat one more time" on my part and being offered candy twice, she handed the paper to me.

There was a 98 written neatly in the top right hand corner

"You had the highest grade in the class" I was silent but I smiled. "You didn't study did you?"

My need to brag got the better of me. "No I paid attention in class.  I knew I would get an A!"   I was so excited.  I felt like I had won the lottery.  I couldn't wait to tell Terick.

She shook her head "You did not study and still you make the highest grade.  That tells me some thing about you." she pushed the candy dish towards me again. There's only one reason why a  nice old woman offers you candy three times the first time is courtesy the second also politeness the third time is to sweeten something bitter. I took one this time.  She waited until I had un-wrapped it and popped it into my mouth before she continued. She sat back in her chair and folded her hands into her lap.

"You are intelligent and things come easy for you but you are undisciplined.  You lack focus.  Your few mistakes were stupid ones that could have been avoided.  Yes you make an A but it should have been perfect.  I am disappointed in your performance."  It's impolite to talk with your mouth full.  I could not speak up in defense. I knew this.  She knew I knew this.  She kept talking. 

"You have many talents.  But unless you have discipline in your life your talents will be wasted your life will be wasted.  You will continue to make stupid mistakes."

She was quite again and I thought.:
about all the stupid mistakes that I had made so far in my life and how easily they could have been avoided.
my numerous accomplishments and how worthless they felt in the end.
how the many chances I had to step into something truly great but I let it pass me by.  I was afraid to really try because I was afraid to really fail.
I settled for mediocrity.  I was just insanely lucky that my mediocrity was above average.  

"Yes you can make an A but it is worthless.  It might as well be an F.  This is not just about the test this is about life… You understand me Irene-chan?"   

The sweet taste of strawberries and milk that flowed down my throat was met with a

sob rushing up fast from the emptiness below and suddenly I was crying like 3 year old child. I  nodded.  All I could do was swallow the truth with the candy to wash it down.  She stood from her desk to give m me a tissue and placed a hand on my shoulder.  It took a bit for me to stop crying.  When I finally did she pressed three more candies into my hand before sending me on my way.

 

Eight years passed
And throughout that time
I continued to make stupid mistakes
I continued to live in mediocrity

I am just now using the key that my sensei gave me years ago.  I've opened the door and there's no turning back.  I am coming to the end of a particularly strenuous chapter in my life.  I have balanced full time school and full time work while salvaging a seriously damaged relationship, conquering many self limitations, and overcoming a thirteen year old eating disorder. I'm in the final leg of this race and yes I am tired, yes I am afraid.  But  I have discipline.

So when I walk down that aisle with full honors  it will be because I fucking earned it, because I gave everything I had, because I poured myself into it.

This isn't about a test.  This isn't about a grade.  This is about life and wether I succeed brilliantly or fail fantastically absolutely nothing will be mediocre about it