As Ariadne’s voice guided us down into the trance like state, another voice came to me. The voice of my mother. You do not need a man. The only man you need is God. He will never leave, he will never hurt you. You have no need for mortal men.
It was a chant, a command a warning and it grew persistant until I came to Them
Baron Samedi and Maman Brigitte.
The Baron on my left. Maman on my right. Both in masks. We were on the streets of New Orleans during carnival but the sounds were muted as if heard through a wall. They took me from modern day to olden day to the swamps and jungles and back again. A dance upon the earth.
Suddenly Maman Brigitte was gone and it was just He and I in a waltz. He in black tuxedo with blood red cape, a top hat, his face hidden behind a mask.
What do you look like?
~That is not for you to see
He spun me around to a mirrored wall. And stood behind me. He was tall at least two head heights taller than I and his arms were lanky at his sides. With his left hand he removed the mask and in it place stood another. His lips black curled back over stained teeth as he laughed and then thrust his right hand through my body, through my stomach and in his palm he held an apple and curled around his wrist was a bright green snake. That writhed and held tightly to Him trying to get back in. But He hissed and the snake fell at my feet and the apple decayed into black powder. He withdrew his hand and I felt surprisingly full there, warm.
He spit into the black powder and with it tattooed snakes on my upper arms. I followed him to the place of my childhood. The two story gunshot that sat beneath the oaks on Alexander. It was a sunny afternoon and quite. The birds the breeze the sound of the clock but no people When I looked around the Baron was not with me. I went around the back of the house. Up the railroad rock driveway, past the gate and up the stairs into the kitchen. I knew He was waiting for me inside, on the second floor in the room my brother and I had shared. As I walked up the red staircase I felt myself becoming younger and younger until I was a child again, seven years old. The door was open and I stepped inside and there before me was the a person a thing? Cloaked in black huddled in the far left corner.
What do you see?
What do you see?
I looked down at my feet and I remembered. I remember this house, this moment this memory. When mother took us to see the house for the first time it was an lazy afternoon, children were at school no cars were passing on the street. I snuck away to the upstairs and I saw something that I can not remember. What I do remember is screaming until my throat hurt, not being able to move, a shiny black bug with a yellow stripe skitter across my shoe and then nothing.
What do you see?
Then why did you scream?
It wasn’t a bug… my mind made it a bug I don’t remember what I saw.
When you remember the door will be open.
He stood and opened His cape.
Come I take you to the Other.
I stepped into His arms
The cloak closed around me
Blackness gave way to bight light, the subtle itch of cloth to softness and I was laying alone in the woods. The grass was a supple cool blanket beneath my warm skin.
The God came upon me He was younger than I no more than 20 and naked. He skin changing from the palest ivory to the deepest Grecian olives then blue black mahoganies. He hair from cornsilk to black dred roots and back again. But his eyes always the same. Viridian, wise, zoetic.
He lay besides me and touched my skin. I felt myself awaken to his touch and he smiled… pleased.
I have come to you before, but you have denied Me repeatedly. Are you ready now to receive me?
I had barely opened my mouth to respond before He was atop me You do not receive. You give and give, but you do not receive. It is because of your masculine energy and your denial of its overwhelming presence that you can not connect with your feminine energy. You seek the Goddess, you seek to be goddess, to be mother. The only way to attain this is through Me and all my manifestations.
And I watched as His face changed to every man I had ever known. For bad and for better. And in each face he showed me the gifts that I have received, the lessons I have learned. From my birth father the ability to charm snakes, from my brother the importance of earning a thing, from my paraine the pitfalls& pleasures of success, from my most loved teacher the patience to nurture a flower to bloom, from Troy adoration and its false illusions, from Jon the power of speaking my truth, from Ron the effect of fear upon the human heart, from Sloan the bitter taste of one sided desire and the penalties that arise from exploiting it, from Jim the importance hold to my self worth, from Neil loving enough to let go, from Terick who I am not, from Frank the will and discipline to be who I dare and dream to be.
On and on it went faster and faster until all faces became one face. His face. Unique, beautiful and terrible, young and old, dark and light, alien and familiar. A combination of men I have met and men I have yet to know. And slowly with great gentleness He entered me, and I was comfortable as if He had always been there as if I were shaped to fit Him. He smiled Apollo’s smile and whispered in my ear.
Loving me does not make you weak… and he paused before he added with another grin this time knowing and full of mischief … and it does not make you a Christian either. Receive my love in what ever form it comes in. And He kissed me with the all the forcefulness of summer until Aridane’s voice called me home.
It occurs to me that I took my mothers words to heart You do not need a man. The only man you need is God. He will never leave, he will never hurt you. You have no need for mortal men. But she spoke of the Christian God. A God that I was taught to fear. A God whose stories are laced with vengeance, cruel tests and double standards, a fierce unapproachable figure, who loved me because I was one of His creations not because I was me. I ran from this God. I ran from Him and into the arms of the Goddess.
And as I studied the way of the Goddess I was introduced to a new God. I denied Him as well because of my distaste and distrust of masculine divinity. I became unbalanced in my spirituality. I became unbalanced in my relationships.
Several things have been happening in my life which has forced me to face my relationship with masculine energy. From myself, to the men in my life to my spirituality.
Last night during Aridane’s meditation I had breakthrough, I had release and I made peace.
I feel strange today. This type of balance is something I will have to get used to, learning what it is like to really walk with two feet. I feel vulnerable, and innocent and more open than I have in a long time. I want to curl up and be held, I want to hide away because I am sensitive to everything. He was right. Opening to the idea of receiving masculine divinity has exposed a softer side, new born and yielding, gentler, quieter, calmer but in no way weak.
My mother was wrong~