It slipped let me push it back in she says

And for a moment I think that she is going to reach down and do it right there in the booth.

Ahhh can we wait until we are outside?

Why… are you afraid that you are going to cry like a baby inside the restaurant?

This is a question I don’t feel the need to reply to since we both know the answer.  Once outside she takes my ear pulls down on the lobe and without pause or panic proceeds to firmly push the metal through the tiny hole until it can’t go anymore.  All I can think is. this is the ear that isn’t sensitive.  All I can say is… scream is  Argggggggggggggggggh!!!!

Quit whining you’re fine, you’re fine. 

She starts in on the other ear (the sensitive one) with just as much kindness.  This time I’m able to speak somewhat normally.  At least this hurts less than the biopsy of my cervix.

I’m not sure if she heard me.

But what she said next struck me.   You wanted this, you’ll just have to suffer through, we suffer for the things that we want. 

And I know she said it light heartedly but it’s true.  The change that I have created in my life has been a painful process but well worth it.  My mind, my body, my limitations, my beliefs have all stretched a bit and it has been uncomfortable but well worth it.

There you’re done she says after a few seconds.

I turn around and hug her with a weak thank you and an even frailer but honest I love you.

She laughs as she walks to her car.  “See you’re fine…Don’t be such a pussy or I won’t do your tattoos.”

That’s Dre

She is friend and sister.  She’ll tell me congratulations just as easily as she’ll tell me that I’m screwing up.  She’ll let me cry and bitch and moan for a bit before she asks me what I’m gonna do about it and then check up to make sure that I am doing something about it.

She believes in being her sister’s keeper… she is creative and compassionate (when she’s not gauging your ear).  And she has been by my side.  During this last year and these last six months for the best of it and the worst of it.  Telling me that I am fine though all the stretching and the pussying out and encouraging me to move forward, move fearlessly, move beyond.

And I love her for it.

Thanks Dre
from the bottom of my heart to the holes in my ears... thank you.
 

I think the problem is that you think you know me
You think you have me all figured out
that you know what makes me tick and switch on
but you don't
you don't know me
you don't have the slightest idea.

I told you that I was tried, overwhelmed exhausted and needed a break from life for a moment.  You diagnosed me as simply being in need of orgasm. That you would deliver this “prescription”.  That you would make me feel things I have never felt before and that I was gonna release and relax.  Have peace within myself. 

…News flash...

your dick can't do that honey. 

1 that is something I have to give myself
2 that place you talk about getting me to , that momentary state of bliss you see fit to challenge yourself to bring me is a place you and I will never go

I told you how to get me there
I gave you hand written specific directions
go for my mind, my spirit, my divine and my body will follow

but you think you know better
you think you know me better than I know myself


you don't know me
you don't have the slightest idea.
and you’re not interested in that are you?
You just want my orgasm to be some trophy on your fucking shelf.

Like it's a competition between you and all the others that have come before.
It's not a competition but sense that's the only language you seem to understand
know that you have been weighed, measured found lacking and subsequently  disqualified.  For multiple reasons but this in particular:  For telling me what my body, my being needs and for having the audacity to tell me what I have and haven’t felt.

I've been in the game since 16 sugah.  I've  had plenty of climaxes and I know
beyond a doubt
that on that one late afternoon in the early fall of 1999
right as the sunset was casting blood orange slices of light through half lidded venetian blinds,  as the sweltering heat wrapped me from toe to hip from hip to tit from tit to crown  that this was different
Movement, breath and sound and sense different

and to tell me that I was mistaken, misinformed or otherwise ignorant of what it was makes you look like a jack ass ... trust me honey I know my own body.  I've lived in it longer than you have ten second man... see you don't even get a Mr. in front of your name any more.

Because you’re not worth it* no one is worth it*.

Dre was right

For a while there my inner Goddess went on vacation. 
I sent her off
I actually packed her bags, bought her a ticket and pushed her on the plane because I could not indulge in my most recent delusions if I didn’t.
You see I didn’t fall for you I fell for a false sense of security.

She’s back now
I’m back now
and it’s time to clean house.

*It=  the wiliness to compromise or change myself, my actions, my goals in order to accommodate some other person in an attempt to be accepted, embraced, “understood” or “loved” in varying degrees.