missrenie | Maybe

I'm really begining to wonder if I really am who I think I am.
I fancy myself as compassionate, intelligent, witty, slightly off and a generally nice person, with horrible spelling and other slightly aggravating quirks
Maybe I'm wrong
Maybe I talk too damn much.
Maybe I don't really help people
maybe I am just trying to make them into what I think they could/should be
maybe I get sucked into other people's lives because I don't want to even think of the possibility that I am a person whom I would
a:feel sorry for
b:hate with a passion
c:never notice in the first place

I have been blessed to come across some truly wonderful people in my life
and the moment that they told me that they thought that I was wonderful
I ran away and hid.
I've messed up alot of good things for myself
caused alot of my own "drama
I am afraid of wonderful, brillant ,happy people because im sure they will look at me one day and say
"Oh my how did you end up at this table ... you must be lost... I'll find someone to help you out of here."
But there is this big raging ego in me saying
"you have something to offer, you have something to give, you are worthy, you are goddess"
and then the other voice saying
"you are proud and vain and arrogant. you are fake and cheap, trite as dayglo pink fanny pack strapped to the waist of an overtanned, over processed 70 year old"

I'm not writtng this in the hopes that someone tells me
"No Irene you're really swell."
I'm writing this because it is a real problem... because it is a real crutch.
My fear of not being the person I believe myself to be
My fear of being inadequate
My fear

The thing is that these wonderful people
are coming out of the goddamn woodworks now
and I am caught
caught up in joy and tears and bursting with love for them
and I am caught
caught up in the fears of being not good enough

So I'm sorry
I'm sorry to everyone I ran from
I'm sorry to everyone who I didn't keep in contact with
I'm sorry even though sorry isn't good enough
I guess I have to face the music
or the firing range ;)
Maybe
I hope
maybe this is part of growth.