missrenie: (Default)
Bitch please....
I'm not sure
where you got your information from
but you don't own me

I don't know what happened in your past
or what happened in this present
to lead to this miscommunication
but you don't own me

you
do not pay my bills
you
do not access my quality
you
do not have power over me


I realize that your high
comes from standing on someone's head
your ego is so short that you have to  straddle someone's shoulders
to kick someone else's side

I realize that you are fragile
behind those hard eyes
that while I can laugh and sing
you can only point at and point out
every negative thing

I don't fear you
because you are blind
you don't see me

I don't fear you
because you are uneducated
you don't know me

I don't fear  you
because you need me (or someone you mistake me to be)
more  than I need this so
you don't own me

and after I write this
after I place the period
you won't own my mind either
you will not hold space within the sacred temple of my thoughts

Bitch please
slave days is ova
and
you
don't
fucking
own me
.
missrenie: (Default)

Weird stuff has been happening to me.  And I am going to start documenting it.   Like today at 2:50…

Phone rings

Me::     good afternoon --------- how may I help you

Dude:  Hi… how are you?

Me::     I'm wonderful… how are you and how may I help you?

Dude:  you can help me by telling me how come you're so wonderful

Me::     I'm alive!

Dude: What?

Me::     I'm alive?

Dude:  I wish I were smoking what you are smoking

Me::     Excuse me sir? (The only reason I don't hang up is because I am not sure if he is one of our eccentric vendors or partners.)

Dude: I just wish I were wonderful too. (wondering what  he's smoking)

Me::     well maybe I can help.  What is your reason for calling ------- today?

Dude: we heard you were moving and we would like to see if --- ------ could assist you with that

Me::     I'm sorry we already moved last month

Dude:  well isn't that a bummer…. Hey are you a Latina?

Me::     No, I'm not 

Dude:  What are you?(its been a boring day I can use a distraction)  

Me::     I'm a Virgo

Dude:  No kidding I'm a Pisces we're compatible.  Are you single? (wow he's light on his feet)

Me::     …

Dude:  I'm from the bay area.  You don't sound like you're from here.  Are you sure you’re not a Latina?

Me::     (wondering how far the rabbit hole goes)I'm from the south maybe that's what you are hearing

Dude:  south… hey what part?

Me::     New Orleans

Dude:   Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez… yeah baby… hey I'm sorry about that whole Katrina thing.  I asked God why we have to have natural disasters you know?  Why can't the world be fun land.  Like the continents all theme parks.  I asked god that.  I was like hey god why can’t life one big fun ride.  Free love, bright lights, good food, free love…(at this point something shiny catches my attention outside in the parking lot and I am only paying enough attention to catch his not so subtle hints at sex in a liberated society.  I was up to five before the old school sweet ass Pontiac Tempest pulled away. It was the second time I had seen a car like that today... I sighed.  It was a beautiful car.  It was hot.  I missed it already.  I sighed and he thought it was for him.)  You know what I'm talking about.. don't you?

Me::     No

Dude:  Sure you do.  A sexy sounding Latina like yourself. (pretty sure he is smoking)

Me::     ummm I'm sorry sir but I have to get back to work

Dude:  Yeah like your really working… your probably looking at hot guys on the internet

Me::     No I'm not

Dude:  Oh yes you are.  I bet you have it all minimized on your screen.

Me::     I'm not!!! (feeling weird for defending myself to this weirdo)

Dude:  It's okay.  You should just admit it

Me::     I admit nothing

Dude:  Well I admit that I would like to get your number.  Can I get your number?

Me::     No

Dude:  Oh well worth a shot.  You do have a sexy voice.  You shouldn't use it at work.  It's a turn on.  It's like waving a red flag.

Me::     (Pouring on sexy voice) Can you do me a favor?

Dude:  Anything if you're gonna ask like that.

Me::     Can you take me…  off your calling list.

Dude:  …You're a frosty lady.

Me::     No, but I am a wonderful one.  Thanks for your call.

And I hang up


missrenie: (Default)

Fun with Telemarketers

When I am hungry I become a certified bitch. Terick knows this…actually he is the one that pointed it out. I made a joke one time about how he didn't want me to get hungry cause I'm liable to snap and he pulled over into the nearest crack in the box and ordered a salad. I laughed until he said "No seriously eat it. It's going to be a long day"
I told him thanks for being so sweet and tried to disregard the look that plainly said "sweet nothing this is self preservation."
Whenever I go off the deep end he gives me half a sandwich a cup of cranberry juice a melatonin and puts me down for a nap. If this doesn't work he does the laundry.


Its 9:20 I didn't sleep well and I haven't had breakfast yet

 

Phone: Ring ring

Me: Good morning, ________ this is Irene speaking how may I help you?

Telemarketer:: Hello may I speak with --- -----?

Me: Are you a current __________ vendor or employee?

Telemarketer:: No

Me: Is this a sales or introductory call?

Telemarketer:: No

Me: I'm sorry he asks that I screen his calls today. What company are you with?

Telemarketer:: _________

Me:And the purpose of your call?

Telemarketer:: (some inchorrent fast talking blurb)

Me: I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that

Telemarketer:: (annoyed)Is --- ----- in or can I speak with someone who is authorized to make decisions for him?

Me: (bored) He does not have an assistant.

Telemarketer:: (really annoyed and for some reason this make me chipper) Is --- ----- in today?

Me: I'm sorry he asks that I screen his calls today. What is the purpose of your call?

Telemarketer:: To offer him a free invitation to subscribe to our magazine

Me: So this is a sales call

Telemarketer:: (pause)No it's an invitation call

Me: (equal pause) Ahh an invitation call… one moment

Put her on hold count to five transfer her to the black hole of death*

 

15 seconds later

Phone: Ring ring

Me: Good morning,_________ this is Irene speaking how may I help you?

Telemarketer:: Hello may I speak with --- -----?(hot damn this bitch is persistent)

Me: Are you a current________ vendor or employee?

Telemarketer:: No

Me: Is this a sales or introductory call?

Telemarketer::No

 

Me: I'm sorry he asks that I screen his calls today. What company are you with?

Telemarketer:: _______

Me: And the purpose of your call?

Telemarketer:: To offer him a free invitation to subscribe to our magazine… I just spoke with you. I think you transferred to the wrong line.

Me: Oh no that was the right line.

Telemarketer:: No one picked up and I would really like to speak with him

Me: (mock concern) Ohhh okay just a moment.

Put her on hold count to five transfer her back into to the black hole of death.

 

30 seconds later

Phone: Ring ring

Me: Good morning,_________ this is Irene speaking how may I help you?

Telemarketer:: Hello may I speak with --- -----?(I find this shit funny mostly because she isn't even saying his name right)

Me: Are you a current _______vendor or employee?

Telemarketer:: No… look I just want to leave a message for --- ----- can you help me with that?

Me: Did you leave a message with the line I just transferred you to?

Telemarketer:: Yes but I would rather speak with him in person about our magazine… does he have an e-mail address?

Me: Yes

Long pause

Telemarketer:: May I have it

Me: I'm not authorized to give you that information

Telemarketer: (exasperated) well can you give him a message for me.

Me: (wow all that frustration in her voice is beginning to turn me on) No

Telemarketer:: (Indignant) No?!

Me: No I can't. I'm paid a salary with overtime to keep people like you from harassing our employee. I'm willing to bet you're paid hourly on commission to do the opposite. It's okay with me if you want to keep barking up this tree. I have a headset on and I don't have to crane my neck. … I can do this song and dance all day lady.

(click)

She hung up on me.
I can't believe she hung up on me
What a bitch
I stand up and do my happy dance on the way to the vending machine to get some cranberry juice.




*Black hole of death: a voice mail box created by IT for the express purpose of
fucking with telemarketers. Like that pit in the movie 300… 3000? Whatever


I'm amused because I totally that telemarketer

Cookies?

Feb. 4th, 2008 04:15 pm
missrenie: (Default)

So this newbie sales man comes in the office.

Lets call him Eric… he looked like an Eric.

 
He started asking me information about the company.  I was in the go zone doing three zillon things at a time so I answered his questions on auto pilot.  Besides he had a deep voice and he was nice to look at.

 But then he started winking at me and I began to wonder if he really was a sales man and if he really wanted me to follow him outside or something.

 It wasn't a quick witty "I'm the shit and I'm acknowledging you wink".  You know… the kinda wink someone who is in total control of themselves or at least had several years experience in marketing and sales gives you.  The wink that for an instance makes you feel as if you were extraordinary because someone as slick as a jar full of Beaumont's hair pomade singled your homely ass out.  The kind of wink you flush at

First, because you feel all special or especially dirty and

Secondly because you are pissed as hell…

pissed, because you actually let your knees get a little weak for a person who is probably an obnoxious adulterous jack ass with the emotional depth of a teaspoon.

You suddenly realize you're not homely at all but you are pretty damn sure that that was sexual harassment or at least some inexcusable machismo diminutive gesture that you just let the greasy bastard get away with.

 
Anyway
It wasn't that kind of a wink
It was worse

It was the wink of a total noob*.  It lasted forever and I had to really fight against my better judgment to ask if he needed visine.

He said when he came back he would bring something special for me… a little treat.  He then went on about how his company likes to give little things to show there appreciation like See's candy or those expensive ass cookies you find in the mall… Miss Felids or something.

 

WTF a little treat?!
Like my fat ass needs a damn cookie.
Did he offer me cookies because I am fat?
Probably not but fuck him anyway.

 

Honey the only reason I actually helped your ass was because I didn't have the energy to tell you to shove off.  Please sugah do me a favor before you come back.   Practice that wink in the mirror.  Tell yourself what ever self affirmations you have to.  Because if your going to do something so overtly chauvinist I wanna feel smutty about it for at least five full seconds.  I wanna feel like grabbing your ass before I get the inclination to tell you to kiss mine.

 

Oh well See you tomorrow

 

 

Don't forget the cookies

 

 

* Noob

is a slang term for a newcomer to online gaming or an Internet activity. It can also be used for any other activity in whose context a somewhat clueless newcomer could exist. It can have derogatory connotations(and in this case does), but is also often used for descriptive purposes only, without a value judgment.

missrenie: (Default)

One of my jobs is to pass out the paystubs for the entire continental company.

I spend nearly 35 mins sorting through them, mailing the ones that are out of state and alphabetizing the ones for people on site.  In anticipation that they (about  200 people)  get off of their asses and  come pick up their check instead of  wasting 41 cents and my precious time.  Sometimes 1/3 of them put their best foot forward which means the other 2/3's deserve my best foot forward in their ass (I really hate wasting money... and time I could be using to write really smutty fan fiction)

 Anyway I did the same thing with the W2 forms yesterday and lo and behold they descended like a flock of ravenous carrion birds upon my poor defenseless desk.  Both phones are ringing, I'm signing in visitors and simultaneously correcting a last minute order  with some one who has trouble speaking English while 25 people are bum rushing me screaming "Where da dollars  at?!  Show me the money!!!  and Hurry up lady cause its time to get mine from the tax man!"

 Why can't they be this excited about pay stubs! 

I am seriously considering putting out a message that says. "Every time I use a stamp God kills a kitten"

But I'm sure this will piss of anyone who believes in God and/ or is a feline friendly.  On the up side the atheist dog enthusiasts will love me.  Maybe I can say this instead:

"Every time I use a stamp God kills a kitten...lol just kidding, but I will.  Seriously, come get your damn check."

missrenie: (Default)
Oprah's February book of the month was the Secret.

I missed this little gem because I can't stand Oprah. If she was trotting down San Pedro and tripped on her only once used pair of outrageously expensive shoes I would laugh and quite possibly point.

I am not hatin on her for being rich… more power to her ya know. I'm just still stuck on that Wal-Mart bullshit. Two years ago she did this show where she showed people how to redecorate on a budget by using Wal-Mart.

This made me irate for two reasons

#1 Fucking Wal-Mart!!! Come on O. You probably have not been in a Wal-Mart since god was a child but don't you read the news, didn't one of "your people" check it out. Or notice that Wal-Mart treats women and minorities like run away slaves from "kin to kaint"

POBEWM(person oppressed by evil wally world) 1: Just got paid

POBEWM2:Awesome! What are your going to do?

POBEWM1: Well gotta by some electric candles for the cardboard box

POBEWM2:Yeah… I tried to be cheap and use real candles so i'd get heat at the same time, but I burned a hole in the house last week had to find a whole new box.

POBEWM1: Well after the electric candels I won't have enough to get food

POBEWM2: Well you can always use your employee discount

POBEWM1 & 2 proceed to give the money they just earned from EWM back to EWM

POBEWM2: Did you get everything you need

POBEWM1: Not quite … got barely enough for the kids so I guess it's Rammen and water for me

POBEWM2:Yeah I got 50cents left over. At this rate it will only be two months before I can get that six pack of underwear I had my eye on in aisle 4

Come on now how can you support that?

#2 Oprah freaked out in Wal-Mart. She got overwhelmed by the choices and had to flee before the towering racks of 5 piece sheet sets and 30 piece table settings.
Got two words for that cray and zee

But I digress as I am prone to do

While on my one woman strike against Oprah I missed out on something really valuable. The Secret. This little book has had the same impact on me as the Four Agreements. I'm not going to lie… at first when I looked at this I said
"What is this bullshit?"

Then I said" WTF witches have been doing this stuff for years… its nothing but focusing your will."

Then I said "Well WTH (what the hell) I might as well try it"

I wanted a job. Not any job but the right job.
Which had to meet the following need:
-pays at least twice what my current bills are
-is stress low
-full time between the hours of 8 and 5 so I can go to school
-an hour lunch (so I can study)
-allows for me to not be on my feet all day
-has benefits
-lots of little perks
-lots of windows that I can look out of,
-slightly repetitive work so that I can little my inner OCD child can run wild

I took the Secret to heart (as cheesy as it all sounded).
-I sent out 25 resumes on the 2Oth of May
-Pressed my best interview outfit on the 21st
-By the 22nd I had six interviews lined up
-By the 24th I had had the best interview of my life. I had found my dream job and instead of thinking that it was too good to be true I pulled out all my casual corporate wear and coordinated outfits because I knew that job was mine.

It's the 31st of May and I write this from their break room. I am munching on a free gourmet bagel and sipping free Perrier water with a hint of lime. I'm trying not to burp. I am however having a hard time focusing because of some people playing foosball. After this lunch I will return back to my cherry wood desk, fatty chair, and my pc with the flat screen to finish up some tasks while basking in the lovely sunlight of three huge windows.

"Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River runnin' free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel"
It's no Secret life can be pretty fan-fucking-tastic.

And I'm feeling good
missrenie: (Default)
And into Walgreens


Day 2

2:30 2nd break

(I start with day 2 because day 1 was full of boring ass videos)

After crying myself to sleep last night and having a dream about a wolf ripping my throat out and disemboweling me and my eyes being gouged out, I got up and came to work

It is my first full day behind the register.

At one point this really nice guy in a suit came in. Business type, super man smile, tall, dark, hair, tan, brown eyes, three packs of altoids. He smelled good and I wanted him to take me.

Not in a sexual kind of way. In a I want you to employee you , and employ you now kind of way.

I had day dreams of him all day. Coming in with a desk organizer kit wrapped in neutral muslin toned organza with a soft peach ribbon. Getting down on one knee and begging me to be his pencil pusher… again not in a sexual kind of way.

Is this how psych majors feel?

I'm so depressed.



Day 4

7:15 1st break

Got to work at 5am today.
So over it. Still dislike it but no nearly as depressed as the first day

12:00 2nd break
I'm so depressed


Day 5

10:00 1st break

I'm a goddess.

So I can take this

Learn from it

Change and survive.

I can adapt and then overcome
What am I getting from this? I am getting stronger. I am learning my worth, I am being healthy aside from not being able to eat lunch in this place because it is grody as fuck. At least the color has returned to my skin again, who knew I could get flushed. And with all the pain in my back and feet walking on stilettos will be nothing



1:00 lunch

"But you know you cant always see when you're right
You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you"

Damn song
Damn soft rock Walgreen song
Is the divine trying to speak to me through Walgreen
Impossible
Or at least improbable
I think im going crazy
I wish Terick would at least look for a job.



Day 6

If I hear that "All I Am" song on more fucking time I will start running through the aisle screaming. Do you hear me Olivia Newton John…. You FUCKING SUCK I HATE YOU!!!!!

Who thinks of this shit… I mean who chooses this music…. Half the time it gives me hope of something better and then the other half of the time it makes me feel broken and defeated. Is this their plan. Is this how they keep us here. Are they breaking us through music?! Those sick twisted corporate bastards!!!!

I'm losing my mind here…. I have to start listening to my Mp3 player at lunch.


Day 7

I have finally pin pointed this feeling… when I come in I go through what is commonly know as the five stages of grief

1. DENIAL --- It's not that bad… I mean people work jobs like this every day. They do it… so can I. I am really just blowing this situation out of proportion. I can do this. It is not that bad.
2. ANGER --- What the fuck!!! I hate this job. I hate this situation. My feet hurt, my head hurts. My soul is being sucked out of my fucking body!!!! If that woman doesn't stop paying with 1,000 pennies I am going to rip her head off and use that god awful wig as a tea cozy
3. BARGAINING --- Okay if I can just make it to lunch everything will be just fine. I mean after that its all good right. I'll be going down hill after that. Please please Goddess just let me get to lunch okay and then I'll be good I promise. I'll stop thinking about battering old ladies and plotting the over throw of the Walgreens music station okay… hello?... anybody listening?.
4. DEPRESSION --- "Oh God, what am I doing… this is it isn't it. my life… my ceiling. This is just what I deserve isn't it. I have been uppity, vain, arrogant and childish and this is my punishment, my lower level of Dante. Graduated top ten in my class I did, classically trained pianist, published author (short stories albeit), actress… all these gifts that I didn't use. This is my life now. Pushing this cart with these totes around, cleaning the grubby toilet, taking instructions from a person whose only proficiency is in being a complete incompetent imbecile. I'm a disgrace to my entire lineage… The slave, the freedom fighters, those who died so I can have a better life… I threw it all away. I need to take my 15 minute break so I can lock myself in the bathroom and cry…. Damn florescent lighting I look at least 10 years older and 10 years heavier… aye me!!!
5. ACCEPTANCE --- "Ok. This is it for now. It really is not what I am making it out to be. I just need to do my job the best I can while I look for another one. This is where I am right now but it is not who I am… no more than it is my co-workers. It is a means to an end. It is not the end… or the end of the world and I do not have to be so melodramatic. Okay Irene pull yourself together… deep breathe… and… oh look its time to clock out!!!!



Anyways…. I lasted about two more weeks before some personal things happened and I called it quits.

I have so much respect for the people who work those jobs at the stores and restaurants and janitor services. Sometimes… a lot of times we are all so rude to those people. We feel as if we can be mean or short tempered to a store clerk and still be good people. That's a shitty way to be. Shelves don't stock themselves, floors don't clean themselves, toilets aren't magically sanitized by a white gloved bathroom fairy in a tutu.

No matter how much I may want to believe in the bathroom fairy she simply does not exist.

It took doing something I really did not want to do to realize that I should be going after what I do want with total abandon. I am glad because some people are 40 before the come to this realization.

Before they realize that they are wonderful and worthy and that they owe it to themselves, their ancestors, their descendants, to be the best that they can be. Whether that means working as a sales associate or as a ceo. For me that means becoming, healthy, whole, an outstanding certified massage therapist, nationally celebrated published author, dominatrix, learning to speak Klingon and anything else that happens to catch my fancy.
missrenie: (Default)

I think it may be a curse
nothing that runs on batteries or electricity can last long around me

My personal EMT field managed to finally kill that bastard computer that I was stuck with at work last week... I now have a new one and I am consintrating on happy thoughts with it

Yesterday, however the damn fax machine decided it could not go on with its old friend the demon possessed computer and kicked the bucket as well.

first  all my watches stop working, vibrators and now this!
missrenie: (Default)

So here is my theory...my computer at work has sucked the soul of a modernist artists. Sucked it dry in fact. I mean I don't even get the blue screen of death any more... no my computer likes to opt for pastel strips. Bold pastel horizontal stripes in varying widths. Pinks and greys and oranges and browns. No blue. Just simply isn't good enough. It also is involved in this love hate relationship with itself because it like to put on this performance three sometimes four times a day. Not counting the regular suicidal break downs if has.
Sometimes I beat it
Other times I just hold the cpu and cry

 

 



 

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