missrenie: (Default)
Truth # I've lost count
(Last nights dream)

Different for everyone, the same for most.  It normally involves attaining the things we talk ourselves out of, sabotage from our lives and rationalize out of reality.


~Hi, I'm depressed

I know

~How do you know

Because I'm you silly.  I'm your Divine self

~Really... you look amazing, 

I am

~Seriously your skin is fantastic

Yeah ummm ooooooookay so I know the secret to happiness and I'm going to give it to you

~You're the greatest

Not so fast.  I can sense you figuring out how you can market this info to make ends meet but I'm not giving you the secret to "Happiness"  just the secret to your happiness

~(deflated) Yeah sure bring it on

Make a decision, forget the money, self publish if you have to,  give to get, thrive to survive, don't procrastinate, exercise, spawn offsping and have lot and lots of sex.... sorry great sex.  Have lots and lots of great sex.

~Anything else

Trust in love

~Well that last bit is sorta fucking esoteric don't you think

What the hell do you expect you ingrate Im God after all


Hmpf what

~Well I knoooow I'm doing at least one thing right



Grow up

~Is that part of the list too

No actually

~What else?

What do you mean what else?

~Well it seems like a short list

You will have your hands full with that

~How can You be sure

Beside that fact that I am God She says  tossin a thick mane of ever changing hair over her naked violet shoulder  You're how old?


Right pushing thirty.... you've had 3 decades to work on this list and you've only got one thing going for you

~Yeah but its a hell of a thing am I right!

She rolls her iridescent  eyes to the top of her head just before she disappears in a poof of smoke that smells vaguely of cinnamon.

~God, God, God.... hello?  Damn't  You're just like my mom!!!!!
missrenie: (Default)

Trust me he said in earnest as he looked directly into my eyes.  I am asking you to trust me.  I need you to trust me this time.


It broke my heart because I have trusted him.  I chose a life with him instead of my family. I left three jobs and three homes when he asked me to. I have struggled from day to day, paycheck to paycheck surviving on his hopes and dreams.  I have broken myself to my very foundation and rebuilt myself in an image more suitable to him.  I have missed nine years of holidays, birthdays, special occasions in what was once my life to follow him into a world where I was essentially alone…a strange southern girl in even stranger western lands. 


All because I trusted him.   But I couldn’t this time. 


Besides it wasn’t truly trust he was asking for

It was my faith he wanted.  My hope he truly desired, as if my belief in him would be the wind beneath his exhausted wings.  But I was tried of being his buoyancy, sick of being the bearer, the unseen entity oft taken for granted.   


So even though looking him directly in his eyes and telling him no was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.  I did it.  Even though my tear clouded eyes were locked with his own moist gaze I could see with complete clarity…. It is my time to fly.

Just me

Mar. 3rd, 2008 04:16 pm
missrenie: (Default)

So I'm graduating in like two months.

March, April, May 3rd BAM!  I'm certified.  I'll be given my receipt and kicked out of the womb and into world.  It's kinda sad.  I look forward to graduation.  I look forward to the completion of it.  But I love my school and I love my classmates and I love what I have become because of my school and my classmates… and well it's just a ton of honest to goddess love and happiness.  It's like ice cream.  Really good ice cream that you didn't have to buy yourself on a hot as hell day.  You love it, want more of it but you know its going to run out.  And while you are enjoying it now you can see the bottom of cone coming up. 

I'm not making much sense am I?

I blame that on the hormone therapy and the allergy meds (earth's decided to have all kinds of crazy plant sex and it's my sinuses that end up screwed)

Anyway… I graduate in two months

March, April, May 3rd and damn… Terick's freaking out. 
Since my family may be coming and he wants have everything in order.  He hasn't exactly hit it off with them and the whole LA fiasco didn't help things.   He wants to assure them that he is a good provider and all that lovely stuff.  It's important to him.  And I think it's sweet.  I'm glad he cares what they think but I'm getting annoyed.

For the past few weeks he has been trying to pin me down to go look at apartments and getting a little miffed that I don't have the time to go with him.  40hr work + 10hrs commute + 16 hours class + 8 hours externship + 5 hours gym + 6 hours general massage on personal clients= 1 bottle of strawberry Boones Farm and whole lot of I don't want to go anywhere by Sunday.   

So today he sends me this e-mail talking about getting a new car, new apartment, etc in the next two months and all the stuff that goes along with getting a new car and new apartment.  It was too overwhelming.

I almost bit my flatscreen. 

And then I think about it.  There are a lot of things in my life that I am embarrassed about right now.  Little secrets that I don't want people to know because I don't want them to think less of me.  Or think that I am crazy, insane, weird or diffrent.  I used to write these things down in a journal when ever they got to me.  But one day someone found this journal and read it to my family on conference call.   And instead of feeling angry or betrayed I felt liberated! 

I felt liberated because I wasn't hiding it anymore and honestly who in my family  is really going to come up to me and say "So… that stuff about the lesbian sex… was that all true?"  I put so much energy into hiding my deep dark secrets that it was exhausting the freak out of me and I refuse to do it again.  The worst part about this is that nobody cares about said deep dark secerts.   They are too busy trying to beat there's back into the closet with a broom.

So here goes.

-The car… dear gawd the car!  That's situation is so ghetto that I try not to think

about it.  (If you want the full story I am easily bribed with mojitos)
-And the fact that we are still living with his parents is another touchy issue.
- All of our belongings that are important to us can fit in the trunk of ghetto car
- I've only lost 20 pounds since October. 
-And the wedding is off for another year cause I really want it in September but I'm too exhausted to deal with it and i've only lost 20 pounds
-My hormones are still unbalanced so I still have to shave my face every other day.
-My credit is fubar (well slightly fubar)
-I still haven't figured out how to tell my future mother in law that I am pagan
-and yesterday I curled up in a fetal position and devoured an entire bar Ghirardelli dark chocolate and strawberries (strawberries are in season now).

but you know what aside from all that and this head cold I feel great!!!  I really do.

I told Terick that our situation is our situation.  I accept that. I acknowledge it for what it is no matter how embarrassing it is.  And I refuse to rush into fixing it just so we can say. "Look at what we did" come May 3rd.   It takes time and I want to make sure things are done correctly. 

I also told him to stop saying budget and buffet incorrectly for the next few days.  I'm hormonal and it makes me want to rip his head off because I  think about our unborn kids and how they will walk around saying things like  buuuujet and buffit.  And I seriously consider never procreating with him or doing activities that lead to procreation again.



So that's it
No witty antidotes
No life lesson
Just plain and simple and without the frills, full of imperfection and brimming with blemishes


    Just me

Ps I also love what refined ears would call bad music... Like that week I got "Paint is Black" stuck in my head.  It was not the Rolling Stones version... it was Vanessa Carlton. and I am so guilt of blasting Linkin Park while speeding down 101.  I know they only have "one song"(since they all sound alike) but it has like 30 diffrent flavors :)

The truth.

Jul. 11th, 2007 04:08 pm
missrenie: (Default)
"You're lying
about something", she said as she held her hand over my neck. I could feel the reiki moving through her and into me. A heartbeat formed in my throat. Pulsing, throbbing "Or is your throat sick?"
"My throat has been a little sick, a little scratchy."

The truth is that I was lying
About a lot of things
Important things

See the truth is this, this thing that I do not want to look at. The truth means questions and answer with messy routes to get to them. Straight forward as those answers are… they may still cause heads to rolls, feelings to get hurt, illusions shattered into tiny shards of sand, dreams dashed dramatically against razor pointed proverbial rocks (not all my dreams… other peoples dreams too). And I just feel like…

I already waded through a big pile of bullshit and now that I reached the other side and scrambled up the hill I hoped to see a spa treatment fit for at least a demi-goddess instead I find another mind blowing pile of bull. I guess I have a lot more to learn… or better yet I have to apply to my life the things that I have learned. So yeah I'm not Jedi yet but damn Yoda can't you cut a gurl some slack?

This truth thing touches every part of my life

Its not lies that I told other people… I used to lie a lot as a child and as a young adult because I wanted people to like me. No matter how much I dressed in multiple layers of black with matching onyx nail lacquer and shied away from who I considered to be the brain washed masses. I wanted to be liked and loved.
Since accepting this and growing up a bit and realizing that so what if every one does not like me I stopped lying… so much… It's still kinda hard to tell certain people when some article of clothing, collectible trinket, or behavior is the reason the word ugly was created

It's lies that I told myself… about myself that are getting to me. That tasty yet empty meal of delusions
Appetizer: Denial
Soup Course: Luke warm serving of Settling
Main Course: Self Destructive Behaviors
And for Dessert: Anything that you can convince yourself it true (which is harder to get rid of than cellulite)
And its all coming back up
And it stinks and burns

I knew when I started this whole… "Living my life to my fullest potential" thing that it was going to be an experience that words could not quite capture. This is not a singular experience. Every one has gone through it in some degree or form or fashion. It is different for everyone and in its purest essence it is the same. I have watched the people that I have admired struggle through it and emerge as (again a loss for words)
I'm not depressed or even daunted

I'm just tired

The truth takes everything from you
Things that you think you need
The truth takes everything from you
And leaves just you.
A frighteningly beautiful limitless you .
It's just a difficult detox
Its uncomfortable.

And at this moment and in this now I just want someone to hold back my hair for me.


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