missrenie: (Default)
 It fucking pours

I really hate that expression.  It sounds so pessitimitic.  I want to punch the people in the throat that use it.  But since I already feel like I have been punched in the throat I'm  totally gonna use it.

I wake up bleeding from my vagina.  Since I have not had a natural period in ten years my first thought is "Holy shit I didn't play that hard at the dungeon did I?!"  I force myself to calm down because I have to get to work.  And I heal quickly anyways sooo by Sunday I should be fine.

I spend the first part of Sunday curled up into a ball because it feels like some sadistic bastard grabbed my uterus and started squeezing maybe I did play to hard!!! I call my playmate and ask her if she noticed anything funny on Friday.  To which she said no and asked if I was having my period.  At this point I am embarrassed.  Bleeding profusely, cramps, head aches, motion sickness, craving: red meat, chocolate, sex, the mass slaughter of those found guilty of being stupid...duh!

"Was it always like this?" I moan over the phone.  The answer is yes.

Aside from losing so much blood that I am simultaneously fascinated and horrified I  develop general malaise and laryngitis just in time for public speaking. Instead of being down about all these schenaigains I'm pissed.   I'm raising my fist in defiance at a sadistic Matronly Mother Goddess screaming "How could You!?  This is one of the grooviest things I've gotten to do in my life.  Speaking as  part of a panel regarding Healthcare in the GLBTQ community.  I thought You liked us!!!"  

She must have found my  ranting hilarious because the bleeding reached level ridiculous.... by 3pm  I'd lost so much blood that I feel faint. On my way home from work I make a desperate phone call to Terick who comes over to find me half dead and half dressed on the floor of my room.  He gets me dressed, hydrated, out the door, to my destination and back home again with zero super dickery and tons of compassion.

"You're a good man" I say as he tucks me in
"You're opinion will change when you're better"  He assures me
"Fuck you... if I say you are a good man then I mean it you bastard"
"There's the Irene we all know and love"  he kisses my forehead with practiced condescension while I make a feeble attempt at smacking him but I'm weak and tucked in far too well to do so.  So I hiss instead and fall right off to sleep.

14 hours later I wake up
go to work
go back to sleep for 4 hours at work
work for 3
go home
go back to sleep

Its Wednesday I've figured out why I get the laryngitis.  I'm a mouth breather with sever allergies and the immune system of a decrepit old woman in a dark and dingy cell.   The solution: keep my fucking mouth closed when around allergens like pollen and cats and buy a humidifier.    Waaaay  harder than it sounds trust me.... the keeping my mouth closed bit.

The blood loss seems to be tapering off so my energy level has picked up
and I no longer want to eat dead cows
or strangle two year olds
or the stupid which is especially significant and noteworthy since I'm headed to Reno to dance at a club opening this Saturday.

wish me luck ;)
missrenie: (Default)
I’m on the verge of mental breakdown.

This little inconvenience (which is all manner of interesting on its lonesome) transforms into something of a Shakespearean tragedy when you account for the fact that my mind is one of those needy cry with me sons of bitches because it is taking my body and my car with it.

I figured I was headed for a breakdown last Tuesday when I went into work. I just felt off, scattered, and paranoid. A feeling I simply detest especially if a herbal high is not directly involved or the cause of the pandemonium. As soon as my brain processed the possibility that it was becoming unhinged it began a complete shut down of all systems in order to maintain its integrity.

By Wednesday evening I was up to a 102 degree fever complete with snot, headache, cough and chills. Sonya being the darling that she is came over to take care of me but she had a rather rough week/end herself. I tricked her into going to bed and spent the next three hours doing laundry and being in formed by some ex actress and British chick about the benefits of this brand new body shaper that makes all your skinny clothes fit your fat body.

So now I feel sick, fat, more than self conscious

And vaguely militant against these bitches who are selling a false and temporary solution to a problem that is not as simple as aesthetics but goes far deeper into post traumatic stress syndrome from a screwy childhood and fucked up start as an adult.

Besides I’m fat!!!

I’m well and intimately acquainted with every roll, divot and curve of my body and a small portion of San Francisco is as well. No bodyshaper in the ‘verse is gonna take back or change that…. and as Kathryn’s bright shiny button says “Kiss my Fat Ass”

I almost bought one in my delirium…. a body shaper not a button.

Thank the goddess I was broke.


Still feverish… but really in need of soup. I decide to haul myself and my 101 fever down to the local Whole foods for that organic brand of tlc. I use wipes on everything I touch since I don’t want to curse anyone with this disease and everything seems a little bit brighter. Maybe it was the sun, maybe it was the successful venture. On my way back my car decided to flip me a fuck you and begins doing a bump and grind while groaning wildly …. Also something I simply detest if me + sex is not involved or the direct cause of it.

I make it home
Park it
Curse it
Have a coughing fit (on account of the cursing)
Lock both key and groceries in it
Kick it
Fight with the pass code entry
Cry over it
Curse it more
Beg it (that works)
Retrieve my parcels
Slam the door and spit on it.
Split the grocery bag.
Sob a little until I am giggling

Decide I have neither the mental capacity nor the money to deal with it and drag my feverish deranged soundlessly laughing manically ass inside.

Thank goodness Jerimyah brings me tlc and soup soon thereafter.
Later that night I loose my precious flash drive that stores my life and scandal.


Sitting still is a certified bitch. Neil was right maybe I do have some weird disease that keeps me from staying in one spot. If it wasn’t for Jerimyah I would have probably reorganized my writing, re organized my closet by color, cleaned the refrigerator, sweep and moped all the floors, thrown out half of everything I own since I have not used any of it in the last three months. Instead I take a few showers and dream about my roll in the zombie apocalypse.

There is a 30 year old cop involved and I decided to bed him right before the heads started to roll but just as he leans me back onto an amazingly soft bed (amazing because were trapped into military encampment) I get excited and wake myself up with a fucking coughing fit. When I fall back asleep I skip straight to the “Oh this shit just got real” part and in the end have to cut his head off. … without ever having the opportunity to ride it first.

Needless to say I wake up a tad bit put out, ornery and now horny but the fever broke... so yay!


Spent the day in the shower trying to breathe
Spent the afternoon in bed trying to orgasm
Dinner out and movie with Mister …saw 9.
Walked out in total need of an upper.
But with time patience and the right touch achieved on hell of an orgasm not climax fucking orgasm!!!!


Mister took me for a much needed airing out at the Flea market, quick visit to San Francisco and then He dropped me at Burlesque Rehearsals in Oakland which left me whipped… but when I got home I couldn’t sleep. Instead I had the great idea to do a ceremonial smudge(spiritual smoke cleansing originating from the Native Tribes of this country) myself and my room with sage.

Note to self: smoke is not helpful if your lungs are still encased in ick.


Dependant for rides from friends and loved ones until the Falcon gets fixed.
Made an appointment with the OBGYN.
It seems that that wonderful orgasm I had been a jonesing for has knocked out my IUD. It’s all bleeding, cramping and uncomfortable and every time I think about my elusive unicorn of an orgasm my cervix cinches with wondrous remembered pleasure and sends me into a semi spiral of non consensual what the holy fuck.

I had no idea that I thought about sex so much.

This has to come to a close or ill end up like those fucking rats who went off cheese due to electrocution.

I’m still stepping and still smiling…
Because what does not kill me makes me stronger, crying isn’t getting shit done, crumbled cookies, spilled milk , mercury retrograde, Saturn return, blah blah blah. But really
Fuck you trouble… and thank you too.

I realize that I am blessed enough to be surrounded by a loving patchwork family of friends that have my back, will hold my hair away and hug me even if I’m covered in ick. Thank you trouble for bending me gracelessly over a barrel without the lube to make me notice, appreicate and fully understand this.

So currently I’m too fucking busy being grateful and emotionally overwhelmed to tears and giggles by the support of friends and loved ones to truly let temporary trouble, car problems, mental break downs, missing scandal a 24 hour financial glitch and a fucked up cervix darken my day.

Besides all that sage and sick left me with a voice like Jennifer Tilly and that has to be worth the all trouble by itself ;)


Mar. 21st, 2008 04:05 pm
missrenie: (Default)

I caught it.  That nasty spring time bug that has been fucking with everyone around me for the past month.  I thought I was immune to it.  I assumed I was.

One should never assume.

Which brings me to Tuesday morning.

Round One

Terick can you drive me to work?

I  need to study for my final

You don’t have to work today.  Your test is Saturday and  you can study after you dropped me off.  I am going to be late and you said last night that you would drive me.

I really need to study

You suck

Like a hoover

Nobody does it like-

Fine I’ll drive you

I don’t need your help I’ll drive myself!!

Later as Terick drives me to work I remember that I have a lady doctor’s appointment .

Round Two

Umm… thanks for driving me.


Well ummm I have another favor to ask you.


I have a doctor’s appointment and I need a ride to that too.

IRENE!!! I really need to study.

And I really need your help I feel like hell frosted over.  You have the rest of the week to study.

I really feel like you are not respecting the fact that I have an important test

And I really feel like you’re not respecting the fact that I’m sick my ovaries might have died a horrible horrible death.

What time is your appointment.


Noon… so you want me to come get you, drive you to the appointment, drive you back to work and then come get you again at five.

Ummm… yes please.


My doctor admitted that she had no idea what was wrong with me and that she had to run more tests.  Lots of tests and that I should come back at 5:30 to have an ultrasound.  Terick is a sport about this one.  He was in the room and got to hear what the doctor was telling me.  He flinched a little.  It was all love and cherry pie until we were leaving the hospital at 6:15

Round Three

Can you drive me to WholeFoods?

Irene I really need to study

Goddamn I’m running a fever and I just had my right ovary prodded and  poked and pushed into my kidney.  I’m  oozing  astro glide out of my poor vagina and I have the headache from Hades…

By time I finish this little rant was are pulling into the whole foods parking lot 6 miles away.  I immediately start in on this woman crossing the parking lot slow as freak because she is trying to balance her grocery bags while giving her little bitch a kiss.  Like seriously she was smooching her dog.  I was head long into laws about bestiality when Terick finally stopped me… which  is good because I didn’t truly have the lung capacity to continue due so the massive amounts of phlegm free flowing down my throat.

Irene please your being…

Being what?!

What damn’t what?! Bitchy?!

Yeah kinda

That fuck odd cause I feel like a whiny pussy… hopefully with your particular brand of TLC I will be back to being a full blown bitch in no time.

One can only hope.

Hah! Which is all I can manage because of the coughing fit that sets up shop  in my chest.


He makes me stay in the car to think about my recent behavior.  And while I am on this little time out  I realize that I have been somewhat unfair and angry, and over emotional.  I could blame it on lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of usable oxygen but it doesn’t matter.  I ultimately have control of myself and my actions.  So when he came back to the car I apologized for being crazier than normal.  And he apologized for being insensitive.  And I told him that I was so proud of him for what he is doing in school and I respect his need for extra time this week.  And he told me that he was proud of me for balancing work and school and massage without breaking down… present day excluded.

 He took me home, tucked me in, fed me soup, took my temperature.  He pressed his palm to my forehead, neck and heart with a look of compassion.  He smiled.  I would groan and flip him off.  How dare he be happy when I am so miserable.  He’d laugh out loud and kiss my forehead.

He peeled oranges and fed me slices, picked up tissues that had missed the trash can, brewed vast amounts of tea.  The wrong kind but the amount of honey was down to perfection.  He let me have all five pillows on the bed.  And he honest to goddess swaddled me in three blankets when I refused to rest.

He gently moved my wrist from under my head.  "Don’t sleep like that.  You’re a massage therapist, you’ll need those."  I’d groan, make myself comfortable and just before I nodded off I would feel him take my wrist from under my head and place a pillow there instead.

He put up with a wild game of drunken Nyquil charades… since I was under orders from the advice nurse not to talk.  And he didn’t chastise me for making that horrible noise in the back of my throat.  The one my aunt told me that I had better not make a habit of because no man in his right mind would ever want to marry me if I did.

I made a habit of it

I guess Terick is not in his right mind

But that’s okay cause I’m not either.

He drove me to another Dr’s appointment… we were late and had to reschedule.  He apologized.  I told him not to worry

It was nice to be outside for a bit even if I did have to listen to 45 minutes of Rush Limbah (Terick likes to know that the enemy if up to) Rush by his sheer jaskassery and shit shine personality has added himself to the list of people I’d like the spank with a strap on.  And as we drove home on 101 south with the clear Californian blue sky above us and that smog that makes the sunsets so pretty before us I mused about what type of whip I would use on Limbah and what boots would best match it.

I realized then that with Terick’s particular brand of TLC I would indeed be back to being a full blown bitch in no time flat.

This makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and loved and horny

For the first time in three days I smile

 He smiles back

missrenie: (Default)

Dec 22
I awake slightly dizzy my back aching and greenish brown gunk expelling from my lungs. I stumble from the room down the hall and into the kitchen where I get the bahjesus scared out of me by a picture of Jesus... well the shroud of Turin in fact. Once I managed to re heat the pot of chicken soup that my Aunt made for me but ended up just staring at it... I might be sick I thought to myself... that thought directly followed by I wonder if I could sue for this too. The rest of the day was a blur until I dragged my sorry ass into the bathroom for a shower er bath... er hmmm maybe I should mention that the house is at least 100 years old. I love to look at history not live it... needless to say the shower/bath thing was very interesting and exhausting... as I lay on the floor in front of the space heater trying to recover I tried to count the Virgin Mary's that were in the 10 by seven space... I lost count at 24 and fell asleep... woke up with a horrible case of cotton mouth

missrenie: (Default)

I have not idea what the hell is going on.  I caught a cold... a hell of a cold a few days ago.  Just when it looked like I was getting better I got struck with a sudden bout of insomnia.  I did manage to get some stuff done.  I finished a book that I was reading Wyrms by Orson Scott Card.  It is an easy read and I like it but then again I have a thing for tentacles. I washed and put away some clothes. My roomates are still awake but Terick is asleep.  Poor thing I gave him my cold I think but he will be well and done with it before I am.  He always it.  Today was his Dad's birthday and we took him out to eat it was really nice but I am still hungry maybe because I can not sleep.  I just might get the taxes out of the way........ and I have been summoned for jury duty. I am not looking forward to it.  I feel the need to work on one of my other stories that I have been writing I will do that.  Why waste all this damn energy.


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