missrenie: (Default)
I'm writing this because I don't want to forget this feeling
this sensation of frustrated satisfaction.
the way my toes curled when you pressed your lips on mine and mumbled that you wanted me to have something to look forward to.

I could have strangled you

Then that smile that is so new to me  that it makes me wonder if it is new to you 
full of controlled cocky confidence and knowing that I want you
to say you want me 
but you like keeping me

off balance

I like the way you grab me wrists to keep me from wandering freely over all this  new terrain
I like the way you make me come to you even though you are holding me so close to youthat I can't get away 
I like the way you teach me Zen Buddhism concepts  like  Mindfulness
with  lips
with mouth
with white teeth and wet tongue

aware, deliberate, intuitive, preceptive,  education through compassionate  passionate touch, taste, sound, smell.
and I think its hot as hell
that you're in my head
since i'm all over  your skin

Touching the better and higher parts of eachother 
slipping, sliding, shimming in
gently, tenderly waking them up and telling them that its safe
its safe to come out and play
and stay

stay with me?

and tease me, test me, tempt me, 
make me still
to feel you

to feel you
to wait for you
to want you
to come to you
to come for you
to comfort you as God since you make me feel Goddess

and as much as I protest
I like this
over the clothes and moving slow
because it lets me know
that while you are in the moment
you are not looking for just  a moment
but the moments that come after
missrenie: (Default)
The silence would not have been awkward if I wasn't so obviously lacking in self confidence. You were staring at me again. With that look that instinctively makes me shut up and wanna wipe the left side of my nose to check if something is hanging there.

I have, in the past brushed this feeling aside. But I couldn't this time. I was frustrated and exhausted by spending the last two hours trying not to hold your hand for fear that I had misinterpreted what ever this thing between us was. Plus you're so damn tall. Or at least tall enough to give me that damn look down your nose which makes me feel even smaller.

I turn away from you lean against my trunk and give up.
"I have no idea what to say to you anymore"

"Then I'll talk" you say. We are both silent until I look back up at you. That face you make intensifies for a moment and if I wasn't already leaning against something I would have taken a step back. But it breaks and you actually kinda smile. And I soon realize that it is really your "I want to tell you something but I'm nervous/unsure of myself/think you're totally cute" face. And that I have been seeing it for months now.

"Weeks ago you told me how you felt and when I didn't have an answer for you, you said it was alright, that you were just going to be there and that I was going to fall for you anyway?" I don't remember saying anything that cock-sure... out loud. I simultaneously mentally pat myself on the back and kick myself "You were right. I can't stop thinking about you. And I figured I should tell you before you pounced on someone else, or someone else pounces on you or I lost my nerve."

And we talked, really talked out there in that cold parking lot. You looking directly at me, being completely forward and open with me while I nervously fumbled with my keys. For a moment I wonder if this is how I made you feel when I confessed. Kinda warm and infuriatingly stupid. When you finish all I can say is that you have to use your words with me because I am neurotic. I'll learn your tells eventually but that you have to talk to me. I tell you how I wanted to wrap my arm through yours in the movie theater and you very simply say almost emotionlessly say, almost a-matter-of-factly say that I should have. Damn Vulcan.

"Well I know that I can now!!!" And I feel like I am complaining so I just reach out and hug you. I press my head against your chest and wrap my arms around you and when you put your arms around me. Both arms for the first time and brush your fingers up and down my back I understand that feeling I have been writing about since I was 13. And it's a surprise to me that in 28 years of living, in 9 years of a relationship, after experiencing several different types of touch from many different people that this is the first time I have felt this ...complete and utter relief of being safely encircled and accepted. You lean into me as much as I am leaning into you. And it feels good.


Oct. 16th, 2009 03:08 pm
missrenie: (Default)
What follows below was written by a dear friend of mine.  She is nice-n- spicy, beautiful and brilliant.  She is the main supporter of her family which consists of her mother, brother and adopted children.  She is a home owner, She is a warrior for women in need.  She is powerful.

She is 28
She is black
She is single
She is doing it alone

She suffers from CCSWS
and I do too.

I am in recovery
and I think she is too.

I know she is gonna read this intro.  I hope she does.  I hope she knows how fucking amazing she is.  I hope she knows how much I love her even if our contact is here or there, every so often at best.  I hope she knows that she is worthy ever so worthy of her receiving all of her needs and desires.

Curvy Girl Testimonies Presents: CCSWS (Cool Chick Superwoman Syndrome) Vol 1
This volume was inspired by life experiences from friends, family and me. The name and events have been changed to protect the innocent. At least I think so…

I know it’s been a few weeks since you been gone but you crossed my mind today. I never thanked you for that weekend we spend together. I know you are seating there reading this saying to yourself, “Why is she thanking me?” Allow me to explain.

Well, for women such as myself who suffer from the “Cool Chick Superwoman Syndrome” it’s not easy for us. There are two parts to this sickness, the first part is we are the chicks that you can call on a whim and take them out to dinner, movie, club or a sporting event and have a good time. At the end of the evening, if sex is required, you are guaranteed it’s going to be good. Not just good, mind blowing sex! You don’t have to call us much and you can treat our emotions and feeling any kind of way. We will be alright with this, because we are the “cool chick.” The second part of this sickness is we take care of everything and everybody with no regard to ourselves. Due to the lack of real men and women, an especially man in this world the weight is placed on your shoulders. I try to avoid getting this disease but to no avail I caught it.

So, now I go around the world being Captain Save a Ho and being used and abused. So what does all this got to do with you and that weekend. Well, this was the first time in a long time that I was treated right. From the chivalry acts right down to you holding me after our “workout” on both beds, it was perfect. I never met a man that totally connected to me physical and emotional in such a short time. Few have tried and none have been successful. I simply want you to hear me out and understand where I’m coming from. I take things for what they are at that moment in time. It was just that weekend and its nothing more or nothing less. I know where I stand; I know my place very well. So, I’m not making a mountain out of a molehill. I’m not going to find a job in your area, move up there with you and live happily ever after. I leave fairytales and nursery rhymes to Mother Goose.

As the CCSW Syndrome patient, you really don’t understand how life works for some of us. We are not the chicks that get called because you want to hear the smile in their voice. We are not the chicks that you plan special weekend getaways just because she needed a weekend to relax. We are not the chicks you send flowers to just because. We are not the chicks who you look at when we are sleep to see how peaceful and beautiful we look. We are not the chicks that you call beautiful or pretty even though we might be, we are just sexy and hot. We are not the the chicks that meet your family or friends. We are not the chicks that you keep a picture of them in the phone just to see our faces. We are not the chicks you wonder if we got home safely if we leave late. We are not the chicks you start saving money for the ring to put on her finger.

We are the chicks you remember when you are bored or horny. We are the chicks you know we like you more than a friend but you want to us to date anyone else but you can or have a wife or girlfriend. We are the chicks that you only call during the hours of 9pm-2am. We are the chicks that you keep around until you find “the one” but we met the requirements.

There are treatment plans such as prayer, self esteem building, support circle of friends and family. Currently researchers are searching for a cure, preliminary results conclude that a real man that is open and honest about what he wants from her. In addition, a man who recognize what he has infront of him instead of searching for something they are not even qualified to receive.

Researcher will release more information when it becomes available.


Mar. 8th, 2009 11:04 am
missrenie: (Default)

You were a leaf

Just accept it

I have.

stop trying to hang around my tree

your season has passed

you’re becoming a parasite

I’m going to get the spray.


I feel inconvenienced because I have to say it out loud and embarrass us both…. Well embarrass you.   But if I was woman enough to invite you into my bed I have to be woman enough to kick you out… of the entire fucking bedroom.  See the whole time you thought you had me figured out I was figuring you out as well.


I don’t like what math added up too.




Will I just say it’s me not you. 


It’s totally and beyond a doubt 100% your fault Charlie Brown.


Will I say I’m still sensitive from my break up


You’re an insensitive moron


Will I say I just feel over whelmed right now


You have a talent for making me feel cheap without even trying



I wish I were fierce enough to declare that I will go with option 2 all the way but I have a feeling that I may pull my punches.  I hope I don’t.  

Fuck hope.

I’ve decided.

I consider it my responsibility to inform you for the sake of those that come after me.  Or at least reinforce the validity of those who may have said it before me.

I wonder how many women have bothered to actually tell you that you’re really lacking that you’re really a leaf

that you’re really a parasite


I’m going to get the spray.

missrenie: (Default)
Press play
then proceed

I thought I had gotten past it… that I wasn’t going to cry about it again.  But I heard this song and I was there


On that morning. 
I am so emotional. 
I am so searching for a sign. 
I am so wanting to stay.

I come into the room
lean over the bed and
kiss your forehead.

You blink the way you normally do in the mornings ...
with wide white unfocused eyes
brows furrowing.

You stretch your hands above your head
Hitt the wall behind you
you smile up at me.

You say good morning
I say good morning
even though I mouth goodbye

You say "I'm sleeping beauty"
and I say "You certainly are"


You get up and start your computer
You don’t see me look back at you
You don’t see the tears in my eyes


You don’t seem to notice
That this isn’t just another Saturday
That I’m not coming back today
You didn’t ask me to stay


It’s quiet


And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything to change when I leave

missrenie: (Default)


You think you can do these things, but you just can't, Irene!!



So Thursday night I had a date.  Which I canceled because I was super emotional and hyper horny and if I went out on said date I would just end up crying on his shoulder or fucking him and that is no way to begin a relationship with someone that I don't even really like in the first place.


So Q being the darling that he is had the perfect solution which involved a trip to San Francisco, a bar on Castro apply named The Bar, and the meeting of a man named Louis.


First off driving into the city at night is a glorious thing, if you're not driving.  The nite brite lights, the mosh of music, the open individuality of the people, the steep ass hills that either make you feel like you're on a rollercoaster and/or give you vertigo...  I've been there several times before but for some reason last night felt like the first time.  There was all this excitement.  I felt like a virgin on prom night. My exact words as I peered out of the window were "Omg I feel like a huge clitoris"


We parked two blocks away from our destination and made our way down hill to The Bar.  Q advised me to watch my step but I was so intrigued by the vinyl padded walls that I didn't… I stumbled through the entrance, into the padded wall and fell immediately in love.


Three drinks later I was all sorts of sheets to the wind and involved in deep conversation with Louis who I love now too.


"You have to be who you are.  You have to own who you are." He said as he held both my hands.  "You're in a stage right now and you are figuring yourself out and that is beautiful, you are beautiful.  I see you.  I can see you right now.  What I see is wonderful."


And then he told me things.  All the dark things, all the sad things, all the happy things, all the wonderful things, and he spoke with confidence because he wasn't speaking to me as much as the Universe was speaking to me through him.

We understood that

We understood each other.

We had synchronicity

We had vodka


"You're perfect and I'm validating you," he said as he looked into my eyes "so you can now validate yourself and someone else.  You no longer need anyone else to validate you, because you're perfect and God loves you and I love you and you love you.  We're family now you and me.  You have my card now and if you don't call me or contact me the next time I see you and I will see you again, I will call you all sorts of bitches"




Despite the fact that

-I am limping a bit from dancing on my turned ankle

-will probably not be able to drink cranberry or pineapple juice for a month

-typing the word vodka is masochistic in nature

-And my stomach feels like it's full of lead…even though I know its empty for obvious reasons that I won't go into.


I feel wonderful, whole, free, complete and perfect.


Because I got what I needed what I was searching for not just in the past few months but the past few years.  During the course of the night between dancing, drinking and discourse Louis gave me a book mark and what was written on it changed my life just as much as massage school did, just as much as playing the Moaner did.


Thank you Q and K for taking me out last night.  And driving me home since I was a drunk, snoring mess by the end of it.

And thank you Louis for taking the time to connect with me, to share with me, to see me...you are a wonderful, divine and perfect person. All my love to you.





Nothing from without can touch the


Perfect Life of The Divine within me


No past experience has power over me




I am a perfect child of The Divine




And nothing that anyone has ever done or said


can interfere with my divine inheritance. 


The power of The Divine is greater than any circumstance in my life.


The strength of The Divine is mine to use.




Turning away from all feelings of inadequacy,


I discover that all that I need is within me right now.




As I forgive the past, I find that I have


nothing to atone for,


nothing to run away from. 




Casting off the old me,


I discover my true Self




I take dominion in my life,


Old habits have no power over me


Conditions have no power over me


Personalities have no power over me


I take dominion!


I am whole.


I am free.


I am complete.


Now and forever more


And so it is.


~Adapted from Your Needs Met, by Jack Addington

The list

Oct. 10th, 2008 11:20 am
missrenie: (Default)

You should write a list. 


I inform him without looking at him that I have no intention of writing down every bad thing that happened in my relationship.


I went back to typing.  A few moments had passed before I realized that he had not replied to my remark, nor had he moved.  He just stood there looking at me.  I turned my chair to face him and I looked up him with what I imagined to be defiance. 

He stared back at me with all the annoying impassivism of a vulcan but when he spoke it was low, thoughtful and without condescension.


You should write a list.

-I don’t want to

I understand it hurts. But when you see him again.  And you are going to see him again.  You may do something…


Less intelligent than your norm

-Stupid… like forget everything that happened between us and go to bed with him, get involved again.

Less intelligent than your norm…  You’re a wonderful woman and any man would be a fool to mess up with you.  He doesn’t deserve you. 

-That’s a nice thing to say.  But I’ve done things wrong too you know.  You only know my side of it... I’m not as wonderful and deserving as you think I am.

I’ve been where you are right now. Write the list. 


The whole time he had never raised his voice.  And while I could barely look at him he had never taken his eyes off of me.  I felt naked, I felt weak, I felt guilty, I felt undeserving, I felt embarrassed.  I felt like an idiot.
Partially because I was defending, holding on to, believing in a relationship that almost left me ruined.
Partially because it was unrealistically dramatic,  unsettlingly romantic and uncomfortably exposing  to be talking to him like this.
When I was able to face him directly the impassive mask was gone.  And in its place was a look of genuine concern and I knew what it was like to be completely disarmed and alarmed at the same time.

He wasn’t being nice
He wasn't being sweet
He wasn't trying to collect on a rebound

He was being honest


I wrote the list
It took over two weeks
It was an ugly ordeal
In the end I had to rip out half my heart  in order to drag myself from this river of denial I had been drowning in. 

I’m not used to the air yet and while it’s still hard to breathe sometimes…

                                                                      its no where near as hard as it used to be.


missrenie: (Default)

6969 Bliss Street
Hornyville, Cali-fornication
Just out-side of reality USA

Dear Irene:

I know you're thinking about it. 
Despite the fact that a few months/ weeks/ days/ hours (please circle one) ago you swore you wouldn't.
Remember last time  ________/________/_______(insert date)

You spent Day 1: unable to work effectively because you were too busy shivering uncontrollably and  in ecstasy.  Not only did you forget to do several key things essential  to your job, you also got to work late because of exhaustion. This caused ________________  (insert name(s) here) to mock you.

You spent Day 2 &3
: unable work or shut the hell up.  Every other word that came out of your mouth was____________________ this __________________ that  (insert name here).  You also smiled like a lunatic and vastly annoyed everyone in you immediate vacinity . This caused ________________  (insert name(s) here) to mock you.

You spent Day 4: in a pathetic downward spiral... now unable to work because of depression laced with horny-ness and had to avoid anything that sounded remotely like Jill Scott, Frank Sinatra, Macy Gray, Dave Matthews, Portis Head, Norah Jones, Within Temptation or Dana Krall which is fucktastically inconvenient since this comprises most of your musical collection.  You also gave yourself a headache from smacking your head against the steering wheel of your car in utter dismay at yourself and your actions.  This caused two little blue haired refuges from the old folks home, and one incredibly hot unknown to look at you like you were crazy.

You spent Day 5: clawing your way out of yesterday's downward spiral by listening to Punk Rock and Fuck You music which surprisingly included Within Temptation.  You gave yourself a headache from the multitudinous of overtly stereotypical neck snaps complete with eye rolling while you envisioned yourself telling _________________ (insert name here) why he/she (please circle one) is a total____________, _____________, ____________ (please use other side for more space) son/ daughter/ both  of a motherless goat.  This also caused ___________________ to mock you.

On Day 6:  you successfully achieved normality and swore never to do it again. 

And you're going to do it again aren't you?
Bless your sad simple horny heart.

Here are the rules.

#1           Do take it with a grain of salt
#2           Do remember your worth and your power
#3           Do enjoy yourself safely as always
#4           Do demand what you want
#5           Do let go
#6           And what ever you do Don’t fall… it's not love, it's not like, it's chemical.  That does not mean it 
               doesn't feel great.  It means it's like indigestion... the feeling will pass on through soon enough

Break rule #6 only in case of extreme emergency
And this isn’t an emergency.


Love you more than anyone else can,

Ms Common Sense
General Manager of the More Sensible Voices in Your Head.
Overlooked Co-Chair of the Pussy Power Brigade

missrenie: (Default)

I want to ask you to come up.  I want you to spend the night with me.
and I really wanted to too.
But it wouldn't be fair.  I'm leaving in the morning.  The issues can't be solved from here.  So I have to go back for a while. 

-Oh so that's why you took me to dinner... trying to soften the blow.  How sweet.

Well things do go down better with chocolate.  And I wanted to leave on  good terms with you because when I return I hope... I would like to... continue with you.  With this...

-What is this?

I have no idea... do you?


I wasn't expecting you.

-I wasn't expecting you either.

I was partially expecting to be seduced and then beaten up by three of your hidden assoiciates while you all stole my stuff

-I was partially expecting to be raped, beaten and left in some gutter.

It was foolish of us.

-Yes... we are extremly lucky individuals.  You looked like you wanted to say something but you didn't  you just held my hands.  The elevator chimed.  The doors opened.  There's your ride. You kissed me.  Hard, hungry, not caring who saw, exactly the way I like it.  I felt 16 again.

Any parting words.  You whispered as you pressed your forehead against mine.

-So long... and thanks for all the bliss

I could feel you laugh. 
Thanks for all the bliss huh?

-Yeah, that and you've missed your elevator.

It'll be back.  You press the  little button and it pops open again.  You step out of my arms.  You step inside.  And as the doors close you say what I really wish you hadn't    I'll be back too.

I give you a half smile and poke my tongue out at you childlishly.  I wait for the doors to close for them to carry you to your floor.  Your laughter is still ringing in my ears when I whisper into empty space what I really wanted to say to you

I hope.

But even if you're not back... even if it turns out that this was just a shared moment of insanity.
And last night was really, truly a  goodbye a so long....

for all the bliss.



missrenie: (Default)

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