missrenie: (Default)

Tea –noun
5.any of various infusions prepared from the leaves, flowers, etc., of other plants, and used as beverages or medicines.
10.one's cup of tea, something suitable, appropriate, or attractive to one: Horror movies and westerns are just not my cup of tea.

We complain about our lives… I complain about my life… sometimes I down right bitch about it. This is not a bad thing. Complaining helps me realize that there is a problem that I need to fix. However excessive complaining is a problem in itself. This is where the tea comes in. Good tea.. .not that lipton shit.
Good Tea is not just tossed together. It is not just an accident. The seed has to be planted, the seed has to grow, the plant must be harvested, the harvest must be separated from the chaff, the leaves must be dried carefully, water must almost boil, then the leaves must regenerated themselves in seemingly opposing elements fire like heat and water, and just when they blossom and unfurl once again releasing like a butterfly emerging from the cocoon their life essence gets taken from them, infused changed into something new. For great tea there must be an even greater patience. I myself and my life itself are no different than the tea.
Which touches on :
Personal Truth 3
There is a Tao to everything. If you open yourself to it (but that is for another day)
The things that happen in my life are not just accidents… well not everything :).
Life is like the tea. Sometimes we brew it for ourselves sometimes other people brew it for us. We brew with actions, and reactions and thoughts. We pick our ingredients (actively or passively) … sometimes some bastards sneak up behind you and toss something in the mix. Other times we see them put it in and just let it stay… too lazy to pick it out ourselves, or too afraid to displease them.

And when the tea is done we drink
It tastes like shit
We bitch
And pour another cup
Toast and bottoms up
If it ain't my cup of tea… why the fuck am I drinking it?! Why complain and then do nothing. Why did I fill myself with the same bitter drink over and over again. Because I was worried that if I spit it out I would look like a stuck up ungrateful bitch, I was worried that it was too late to start a new batch, grow new plants and wait for a new harvest, and no matter how appalling the taste was I knew what too expect… and in that there was comfort despite the discomfort.
My mom is teaching me all about tea.
She is at the age now where she does not want me to admit how old I am because people will figure out how old she is… but she is starting a whole new brew for herself from just the seeds. She has the courage to spit, too not drink, to demand a better quality from herself. She has no idea what it will come out like or even if she will be able to finish it at all. And that is inspiring.
She laughed at me when I told her I was hesitant about starting everything over. She said that she understood my fear but that I was a silly hussy for using that as an excuse. If the shoe is fucking up your foot kick it off and if something in your life, whether it be a person, a thing, a job, a situation a habit is not your cup of tea i.e. ."Something suitable, appropriate, or attractive to one" stop accepting it in your life. Fill your cup with something else and stop being such a silly hussy.
I am mama and I love you.
missrenie: (Default)
This is another reason why those god damn Disney Pampered Punk Ass Prissy Princesses must die. From child hood we girls are taught that love is everything.

love does not put food on the table
love does not pay the car note
love does not keep the electricity on

Money does that.

Now before I start coming across as a heartless bitch that I probally am I will say that money can't buy everything... Things like love and respect the MOST IMPORTANT things in life are priceless and they can not be bought for money. But money sure can help.

It is so much easier to say "I love you too" when you are warm and fed instead of hungry and sitting on a New York street corner in the middle of winter.

Even as I write this there is that little voice in my head screaming blasphemer!!! how dare you betray the immortal words of Lennon... "All you need is love"

Love and respect goes a long way. Its the foundation of the house, the furniture, the walls, but financial security is the roof. If you don't have one you'll be fucked when the first big storm sets in. And all you will be thinking about when hail the size of baseballs are falling on your head is getting out and into some shelter.

By Financial Security I don't mean a job or something just to get you by. I mean an executable plan that will carry through the long term. I don't mean benz and big houses. I mean being comfortable. I mean having enough security so that you could treat yourself to a buy one get one half off at Payless. Having enough to take nice vacations once a year or more, enough set aside so if you could not work for 6 months you would not be stressing or breaking your back. And I mean having enough security that you don't have to depend on you unborn children to take care of you in 60 years.

If you don't have that roof when it rains all your furniture gets fucked up, the wall paper starts to curl up, paint chips, the floorboards warp all out of shape. But on the other hand if you just have a roof then you walking around crushed and bent out of shape cause you have to keep bending over and you keep hitting your head on the rafters.
It takes both.

I'm coming out of one hell of a storm
and I didn't abandon the house and it is very very much intact
I got some wood and some nails and a bad ass hammer
and i'm ready for business
but ill be damned if im the only one fixing the roof!!!!

The truth.

Jul. 11th, 2007 04:08 pm
missrenie: (Default)
"You're lying
about something", she said as she held her hand over my neck. I could feel the reiki moving through her and into me. A heartbeat formed in my throat. Pulsing, throbbing "Or is your throat sick?"
"My throat has been a little sick, a little scratchy."

The truth is that I was lying
About a lot of things
Important things

See the truth is this, this thing that I do not want to look at. The truth means questions and answer with messy routes to get to them. Straight forward as those answers are… they may still cause heads to rolls, feelings to get hurt, illusions shattered into tiny shards of sand, dreams dashed dramatically against razor pointed proverbial rocks (not all my dreams… other peoples dreams too). And I just feel like…

I already waded through a big pile of bullshit and now that I reached the other side and scrambled up the hill I hoped to see a spa treatment fit for at least a demi-goddess instead I find another mind blowing pile of bull. I guess I have a lot more to learn… or better yet I have to apply to my life the things that I have learned. So yeah I'm not Jedi yet but damn Yoda can't you cut a gurl some slack?

This truth thing touches every part of my life

Its not lies that I told other people… I used to lie a lot as a child and as a young adult because I wanted people to like me. No matter how much I dressed in multiple layers of black with matching onyx nail lacquer and shied away from who I considered to be the brain washed masses. I wanted to be liked and loved.
Since accepting this and growing up a bit and realizing that so what if every one does not like me I stopped lying… so much… It's still kinda hard to tell certain people when some article of clothing, collectible trinket, or behavior is the reason the word ugly was created

It's lies that I told myself… about myself that are getting to me. That tasty yet empty meal of delusions
Appetizer: Denial
Soup Course: Luke warm serving of Settling
Main Course: Self Destructive Behaviors
And for Dessert: Anything that you can convince yourself it true (which is harder to get rid of than cellulite)
And its all coming back up
And it stinks and burns

I knew when I started this whole… "Living my life to my fullest potential" thing that it was going to be an experience that words could not quite capture. This is not a singular experience. Every one has gone through it in some degree or form or fashion. It is different for everyone and in its purest essence it is the same. I have watched the people that I have admired struggle through it and emerge as (again a loss for words)
I'm not depressed or even daunted

I'm just tired

The truth takes everything from you
Things that you think you need
The truth takes everything from you
And leaves just you.
A frighteningly beautiful limitless you .
It's just a difficult detox
Its uncomfortable.

And at this moment and in this now I just want someone to hold back my hair for me.
missrenie: (Default)
My nose won't stop running

My back is aching

My thighs are like stone

And my arse has not hurt this much since my mother caught me doing some things that I really should not have been doing that I am really too embarrassed to write about here because the mere thought of it makes me cringe.

Saturday I had my first class at the National Holistic University.

We learned Shiatsu 1&2

I always thought that massage was easy, but it seems like I have might have been mistaken or at least ignorant in my assessment…. Kinda like Bush was when he landed on that aircraft carrier and declared victory in Iraq!!

Shiatsu is done on a mat on the floor with the therapist in a kneeing lunge over the client. At least the parts I learned Saturday. It is a complete body work out. By time I was done my legs were shaking, I was sweating and my heart was racing as if I was running from LAPD.

At least the LAPD would have shot me

After the shiatsu I just had to lay on the floor and take it.

It may sound like I am bitching

And I am

But I am really excited by the whole process. I have got to lose weight and gain strength doing this. Doing something that I really love, something that makes me feel happy and whole. I mean I go to class and the first thing we do is meditate and ground, center ourselves with Tai Chi. I can wear sweats to class and I can go shoeless… actually it is preferred. And when I am done I can be making at least 60k a year on average on the low end. Not to mention that I get a massage three times a week because we have to practice on each other in class.

That is why my nose is running and I have to keep running (hobbling) to the bathroom.

The shiatsu that we learned stimulates your kidneys and sinuses to release toxins.

So its been vitamins, clean eating, water, water, water, hot showers with simultaneous use of the neti and tiger balm.
At first I could not believe that I was paying someone the price of a new car to turn me into pulp. But now I believe that I am paying someone the price of a new car to turn my body into a limitless vehicle and I am excited about the journey.

zoom zoom zoom

oh and ps
I need some peeps to practice on

43 Thangs

Jan. 18th, 2007 09:47 pm
missrenie: (Default)

Test post  

I am doing 43 things.


missrenie: (Fatgurl@thegym)

“But you’ll always be a little bit heavy” She said brushing the crumbs from her big mac off of her sweater. “Besides who cares what you look like.. you already got a man who wants to marry you.”

“I care” I say trying not to stare directly into the beckoning depths of meat, cheese, meat and pickles. I take a swig of aquafina and chant thou shalt not lust, thou shalt not lust over and over to myself

“No you care that other people care.”
I was quiet because it was partially true.

“Well I don’t feel like a woman any more… My period has been missing for seven years,sure it made a brief come back but it lasted as long as that guy from new kids from the block. I shave more often than Terick, I have forgotten where my waist is, i’m to embarrassed to guess, my shoes don’t quite fit, I have hypertension and I’m pre-diabetic and my clothes cost 5 to 10 dollars more because of the extra fabric.”

“Menstruation is messy… I wish mine would go away. Anything else.” She says polishing off the burger… I wanted to lick the paper.

“Yes this goddamn under wire bra is killing me because it is too small but I can not afford to order my size off line… and I’m uncomfortable on long flights”

“If you loose weight your tits will shrivel”

She had me… she knows I love my breasts I even gave them names. I looked down my bra and imagined them giving me precious moments eyes… don’t abandon us they whimpered in unison.

“Gah!!!!” I say hungrily inhaling the fumes of charbroiled mystery meat “You don’t understand.”

“I understand you’re flipping the hell out… maybe you should eat something”

“I don’t want anything from here” I say taking a rather long prolonged glance at the value menu

“Yes you do”
damn she was right about that too.

“Lets get out of here”

“K” She shrugs “You know you should love yourself… forget what everyone else says you are fine just the way you are. Besides You’ll always be a little bit heavy” She says as she retrieved whats left of her evil Starbuck’s Frap

She’s right about that too. She was right about everything except one.

-I should love myself…by doing whats right for myself.  

-I am fine just the way I am… but fine is not good enough. I want to be outstanding, I want to be healthy, I want to be strong,

-Menstrual cycles are messy

-My boobs will shrink but maybe that is a plus because I am lugging around DDs.

*******But I will not always be a little bit heavy!!!!!!

My body is a temple where nobody worships anymore… well my fiance worships on a regular basis but I really should be the main matron.

Step One
-locate my reasons for doing this            *Done
-create a plan                                              *Done
-implement plan                                         *Done
-change plan as necessary                     *Done
-find a support group                                 *Done 43 things :)
-find better friends............................................................................................ an ongoing process ;)

See more progress on: Lose 150 pounds

missrenie: (Fatgurl@thegym)


4:44am and 30 seconds

Omg what time is it... its still dark... hmm I can sleep a little longer right?


Alarm rings loudly under the pillow
Damn I had to be cheated out of at least 30 second... where the hell is that snooze button?
Shuts off alarm
hahahah 4:46 my big black ass its too early to be getting up and going to somebody's gym
falls asleep

4:55 and 45seconds

Big black ass is right!

Me: (Snaps awake)Who said that?

I saaaaaaaaid Big black ass is right.

Me: Shut up!!! (I hate it when the voices in my head wake me up) I'll get up when the alarm rings

Alarm: Rings loudly under pillow

Me: !!!!!!Shit!!!!!

Betta get that lazy ass out of bed and down to the gym before it gets any bigger

Me: Jesu Cristo!!!

What the hell do you want with him?

Me: (silence)

Look lazy ass bitch are we going to have to go though this every morning or what?

Me: you know name calling and abuse is not necessary

Well obviously it is cause your acting like a punk bitch... don't tell me your about to pussy out.

Me: Look I went to the gym yesterday I can miss a day.

yeah umm did you really?

Me: Well the day before that

Nigress please I know you not gonna lay there and lie to yourself

Me: .... last week?

Get on the scale

Me: I don't wanna

Get on the damn scale!!!!!!

Crawls out of bed, trips over Terick's shoes, knocks over a cup of water while trying to find the light, initially blinded, steps on scale, Bends over really close to see the numbers... falls off

try your glasses Eienstein

Finds glasses, steps on scale

Me: Oh shit

More like bullshit

Me: 10 pounds

10 mfing pounds

Me: 10 pounds

cue tight feeling in chest, downward turn of left and right corners of the lips, elevated levels of blinking that eventually leads to tears.

(disgusted) oh no you don't you did this to yourself don't even start crying about it

Me: But all my hard work?!

yeah and a week hiatus from the gym and all that junk food, ice-cream, wonderbread milkshakes, m&ms

Me: alright alright

onion rings, french fries, missed medication, pie, donuts...

Me: Would you shut up already....I really need a hug

You really need to get that ass to the gym; you really need to eat correctly... before what you really will be needing is a pine wood box

Me: okay (sniffling) you don't have to be so mean about it.

Oh I'm sorry I forgot that you wanted to be cremated.

Me: Alright im going !!!!(still sniffling)


Me: hello?


Me: hello?

So at 5:30am I was at the gym back in the saddle, or on the cart er horse... whatever
today I broke my personal record... I managed one hour and decreased the time it took me to do a mile... I managed to get in 3.2 miles total. I made it home in time to start a veggie stew in my crock pot before work
I also put in another 45mins at lunch making my total time one-hour and 45 just 15 minutes under my 2 hour daily goal.

The voices in my head are appeased
accept for one incident involving a orange cranberry muffin that almost left me in tears.


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