missrenie: (Default)

For those of you who don't know we are kinda spoiled out here in California.  Some people out here are actually shocked to realize that racism still exists. When I recount stories from my childhood they cringe and say ooooooommmmmgeeeeeeee seriously dude.  They are rather dismayed to find that in certain areas of the United States your life expectations, habits, and activities are still dictated by the color of your skin. There is a whole list I could go into but near the top of that list is dating outside of the race.

 

Riiiing

me: Sup

~~:Hey

me: Haven't heard from you in a while

~~:Yeah... hey you really dating a white boy

me: ummmm yeah

~~:Yeah so you couldn't date me but you could date him

me: ummmm yeah

~~:is it because he's white

me: ummmm no it's because he doesn't suck... you know... like you.

 

 

 

Riiiiiiing

me: Hello

~~:Hello

me: Omgeee I haven't heard from you in forever!!!

~~:Yeah how your people and them

me: Good, where yah at darlin

~~:so so... so I heard that you are dating a white boy

me: You mean man

~~:Yeah "The Man" and I was thinking that maybe its just a phase like when you were a lesbian

me: I was never a lesbian

~~:I knew it!

me:No I never thought I was a lesbian I thought I  was bisexual

~~:oh well yeah that phase

me:It wasn't a phase I was just confused

~~:Yah you were

me: I wasn't lesbian or bisexual I'm totally pansexual

~~:Pah-what?!  What the hell is that?  Is that even a word? That's some shit you just made up.  Look whatever... just think about what you're getting into.

 

 

Riiiing

me: What

~~:(laughing)

me: What do you want

~~:I got a joke for you

me: Keep it

~~:Aww come on it's quick... knock knock

me: (silence)

~~:Knock Knock

me: (silence)

~~:Knock Knock

me: (sigh) Who's there

~~:Guess

me: Guess who

~~:Guess Who's coming to dinner!!!!! Bahahahahahahahaha

me: Damn't you suck!!! I'm hanging up!!!!

 

Okay so far and to date I've been accused of giving up on my black brothers, conspiring to "wash the line" (non-withstanding the fact that my ovaries are most likely completely useless) giving into a slave mentality and hating my own blackness. This is a complete double standard. 

 

I didn't take this much heat for dating a white woman.

 

~le sigh

anyways... I kinda expected all this so no big deal.  It's comical and something to blog about.  I was bouncing along pretty fine.  I had pre planned witty retorts tucked in all my pockets and a mug full of fuck you for the next person who was gonna preach to me about my failure as a black woman.  I was ready for anything

 

Anything except that old woman.

 

There is this woman I bump into sometimes... she calls me fat alot and gives me oranges.  I think this means she cares about me.   You maybe wondering why I subject myself to an old lady that verbally abuses me for my size then glares at me until I eat but she is totally the bees knees, gives great advice and is the exact kinda fuck-odd-devil-may-care-crazy I inspire to be at her age. She always asks me about my love life.  She is worried about me finding love since I am so fat.  She thinks I'll die old and alone which is really awful since I'm such a nice girl.   When I told her that I was dating she asked if he was fat too and I told her no.  She thought this was good because I would lose weight with him.  She then asked what he looked like and I told her, eyes, height, haircolor...

"Is he white"

"Yes"

"Ohhhh you will have such beautiful babies!!!!!"

 

I nearly chocked on my orange. She went on excitedly for five minutes about how lovely  our interracial children would be and how she wanted pictures.  She even gave me an extra orange.  The whole conversation left me feeling off balanced.  It was one of the few times I was stunned to silence.  I know she meant it as a compliment...I think, but we just started dating and she is already plotting our chromosomal mash-up exchange and outcome.  Besides aren't all babies supposed to be beautiful? Wait I can make that statement with a straight face...

 

I think

maybe...

 

Anywaysssssssssss, when I told him about it he kinda had the same reaction... "Did you thank her for planning the rest of our lives?"

 

She's not the only one who said that either.

 

At first I felt the need to say/scream  that my all black babies would be lovely and so would his all white babies. I think its hilarious that the people who support us so much that they want us to reproduce are making me more uncomfortable than the nay sayers. So I had to chill out and think about it.  Maybe when they see people who have love for each other despite the divide of ethnic and social differences it gives them hope for the world coming together as a whole... or maybe they really do have a fetish for multicultural children.

 

We were at Trader Joes gathering supplies to make a salad with. 

I suggested the white mushrooms because of the low price.

"The crimni have better coloring, same price"  And he grabs the brown mushrooms from the shelf.  I immediately become hypersensitive and hyper-aware... I even look around to see if anyone noticed.

"I think the white mushrooms have just as good coloring you know" I say defensively...  I may have pouted even.

 

He pauses and gives me an odd look... the one where he tilts his head to the side and kinda leans forward as if he is making sure that he is understanding what he is seeing.  I instantly stiffen and want to check my nose for buggers.  He pulls back and puts the brown mushrooms in the basket "You wanna know that I think... "  He says as he slips his fingers through mine and steers me toward checkout "I think that if the crimini mushrooms and the white mushrooms got together they would have beautiful babies."

missrenie: (Default)
The silence would not have been awkward if I wasn't so obviously lacking in self confidence. You were staring at me again. With that look that instinctively makes me shut up and wanna wipe the left side of my nose to check if something is hanging there.

I have, in the past brushed this feeling aside. But I couldn't this time. I was frustrated and exhausted by spending the last two hours trying not to hold your hand for fear that I had misinterpreted what ever this thing between us was. Plus you're so damn tall. Or at least tall enough to give me that damn look down your nose which makes me feel even smaller.

I turn away from you lean against my trunk and give up.
"I have no idea what to say to you anymore"

"Then I'll talk" you say. We are both silent until I look back up at you. That face you make intensifies for a moment and if I wasn't already leaning against something I would have taken a step back. But it breaks and you actually kinda smile. And I soon realize that it is really your "I want to tell you something but I'm nervous/unsure of myself/think you're totally cute" face. And that I have been seeing it for months now.

"Weeks ago you told me how you felt and when I didn't have an answer for you, you said it was alright, that you were just going to be there and that I was going to fall for you anyway?" I don't remember saying anything that cock-sure... out loud. I simultaneously mentally pat myself on the back and kick myself "You were right. I can't stop thinking about you. And I figured I should tell you before you pounced on someone else, or someone else pounces on you or I lost my nerve."

And we talked, really talked out there in that cold parking lot. You looking directly at me, being completely forward and open with me while I nervously fumbled with my keys. For a moment I wonder if this is how I made you feel when I confessed. Kinda warm and infuriatingly stupid. When you finish all I can say is that you have to use your words with me because I am neurotic. I'll learn your tells eventually but that you have to talk to me. I tell you how I wanted to wrap my arm through yours in the movie theater and you very simply say almost emotionlessly say, almost a-matter-of-factly say that I should have. Damn Vulcan.

"Well I know that I can now!!!" And I feel like I am complaining so I just reach out and hug you. I press my head against your chest and wrap my arms around you and when you put your arms around me. Both arms for the first time and brush your fingers up and down my back I understand that feeling I have been writing about since I was 13. And it's a surprise to me that in 28 years of living, in 9 years of a relationship, after experiencing several different types of touch from many different people that this is the first time I have felt this ...complete and utter relief of being safely encircled and accepted. You lean into me as much as I am leaning into you. And it feels good.
missrenie: (Default)
neil:  I just started my savings account at Bank of America

me: 
groovy groovy :)

neil:  so you should give me money

me:  umm.....
         no
 
neil:  go ahead
        anytime

me:  no thank you I'm good

neil:  feel free
         well your not anymore

me:  thanks for your consideration but really its alright

neil:  don't you think I should be the judge of that?>

me:  I am totally GOOD
         judge of what?  my goodness or my money?

neil: 
your goodness and MY money that you are holding on to
         its mine so hand it over
         thief

me:  hey you aren't my pimp so you have zero say over that!!!
         now if you took up the job of pimping me (which isn't easy) they we can talk
 
neil: 
fine I will become your pimp
         but just to let you know
         there will be some changes
         from now on we are going to go for higher volume at a reduced rate
         so get out there and start whorin!

me:  not so fast you have to fill out an application first. and there is a practical exam regarding skills such as swagger, bling and the overall   bitch slap.  I personally don't think your are gonna pass the verbal.

neil:  I think the sheer amount of respect that my pimp slap will envoke will make up for my low scores in other areas
 
 me:  while it is true that the pimp slap does comprise 30 percent of all scoring you still have another 70% to account for
          I suggest you get up to speed byupdating your linguistics via urban dictionary.

neil:  I think you might be over exaggerating. The only words I need to know for this job are bitch, money and blumpkin.
That is our main marketing strat.  we are going to corner the market on blumpkins
 
me:  See this is why you are going to make a horrible pimp.  First your sense of business ethics is all wrong..."higher volume at a reduced rate" unless you are going to get a fleet of whores you will wear them out before you get your money's worth.  
        2nd I don't do blumpkins.  That causes gaging and clients should not get what they did not pay for.  That kind of freakishness is extra. Honestly where are your values?
         3rd language is essential.  There are times when you will need to communicate with the client.  While bitch and money are universal.  There are also ways to detail what happens to the client should he  damage your property.
         I mean duh
 
neil:  Irene
          its this kind of sass that makes the bitch slap necessary
          the fact of the matter is your input is not needed.
          I am the pimp
          you are the ho
          so get to ho'in!
          ...
         please

me:  Fail
        
 
 
 
missrenie: (Default)
International Relations and Socialization:

Some people have not had the benefit of proper socialization. Instead of blocking these people right off I suggest that we face this issue head on and educate the person on the error of his/her ways. It is always nice to add a personal touch while noting opportunities for personal growth. Please choose your words carefully. Appropriate linguistics is key when dealing with other cultures. Not only does it denote an open and ambassador like nature it also ensures that your point comes across with crystal clarity while drastically lowering any chance for misunderstanding.


For example: At 12:01 Dan wrote and I quote:
DO YOU LIKE CHIN NUTZ X

At 12:03 I replied:
I'm confused...

Was that question an invitation to suck your dick or was that question meant to convey something other than your painfully apparent lack of social skills, class, judgement and grammar?
I would call you a jack ass but you're from across the pond so I'll just call you a wanker instead.
In answer to your question...well that's none of your goddamn business

happy holidays


wanker
:)
missrenie: (Default)
So I decided to take mom's advice and just enjoy this thing... 


~You're an ass.  I said leaning back in my chair.

He blinked at me his smile wide.  What did you just say?

~You are an ass... a complete ass.  And you're taking me to dinner tonight"

Oh am I?

~Yeah and you're going to pay for the pleasure of my company

Oh really?

~Yes.  I want sushi.  What is a good time for you?

Oh I get to have a choice in this?

~Just answer the question

How's 6?

~Perfect.  I have errands to run after work.  We can car pool.  I can drive.  It'll be good for you and me.  I'm feeling frisky, driving will give me something to do with my hands... oh you're taking me to a movie after dinner by the way. You're paying for that too.

Are you sure you want to go out to night you haven't been sleeping well.  You should get to bed on time... you know... so you can sleep

~Yeah I'll be fine.  Just get me to bed by midnight

So you can get some sleep right?

~Bed by midnight.




missrenie: (Default)
So I call mom last night.
She calls me a hussy (as usual) and tells me to calm the fuck down.  Don't  label anything, enjoy it for what ever the hell it is and a take a god damn breath.

Yeah
mom rocks.

So after some soup and tlc I think I have just about reached normalcy...
or what passes as normal for me. 

And now that  I think about it... you know calm the fuck down and take a deep breath,  I realize that these "symptoms" coincide with something else that has been happening to me lately.  Mayhaps it is a time to pay a visit to bob and see what he has to say about the subject.
missrenie: (Default)

This is stupid


How did this happen?
How did I end up in this untidy, awkward, uncomfortable, edge of a position?
Seriously.... this is stupid... this is fucking dumb and if I keep smiling this hard my jaw is going to pop off my fucking face.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, my mind is going a billion miles a minute.  All of a sudden I'm tongue tied and shy well semi-shy, questioning someone else responses, making all kinds of conscious efforts not to read too much into anything.  Smacking my hand against my forehead because I am having flashbacks of something dumb I said when I could have been
oh so smooth
oh so mysterious
oh so sexy
instead of oh so silent, silly or simple.

I'm tempted to turn to cosmo for advice and that's how fucking dumb this shit is.
It's offical
I'm sick

And what is this awful affliction
dare I say
luuuu.... like
yeah that's it deep deep heart wrenching, junior high, scribble your name on my note book like.

I'm in like... its all butterflies and mother fucking rainbows
really it is

except for:
the wondering if he is in like too
and that fact that is fast turning me into a goddamn moron that pisses me off immensely.



(fucking sigh)

Sigh

Jan. 20th, 2009 02:20 pm
missrenie: (Default)
I'm so fucking neurotic that if it were a crime I should be locked away for life.
I just re-read my last few postings.
That was some shit straight outta Jane Austen. I should be slapped.
This is the exact reason why I  try not sleep with people I actually really really like.

He may have not felt the same way I did.
Or he may have and it freaking out too.
I am not in any way ready to commit to a relationship.
I enjoy my life the way it is now.
Not that I don't get lonely or really want someone to hold me and take out the trash, someone I can cook for, who actually likes that digusting sound I make in the back of my throat when I am sick...

But lets face it. I don't give a damn about my bad reputation and Donna Reid I am not! 
I am not for changing, quieting down, or locking myself into one saddle.
And if I have to play a game to date I would rather not do it at the same time I understand that my candor can be mistaken for more that what it is.


I'm over it now... well almost

my only regret:
that I didn't scream louder when I came.

sigh~~~

I'm: feigning indiffrence for sanity's sake
missrenie: (Default)


Seriously, stop calling me. 

You see I fear I am like a teenager that just got a new job and with it disposable income.  But this new job is being single and the disposable income is the pussy.    But i'm over it now... or at least I am over you.

It's not you its me.
Wait...  let me try to say that with a straight face.
....
Damn I can't
actually it is you
Non withstanding the fact that you were a complete moment of weakness, that if it wasn't you it would have been someone else.    It was really really bad.  Aside from that great stretch where you managed to get my knees completely parallel to my ears it was uneventful... which is an absolute shame, because someone tall, dark and handsome as you are with a voice like a lion in the wilds of  exotic Africa should have done better.

I should sue your ass  for false advertisement!!!!
Because of you I have to add a new tag to my live journal.

No i'm really not going to date you now, or answer your calls. Because you're just looking for a lay.   And trust me I am not hating on that at all.  But the sad thing is that you stimulate neither my mind nor my vagina... so I don't think we can do business.


Notes for future you
-Work on your technique.  You're all drive with no destination.
-Try hip rotations and variations in the pattern of your thrusts.   It keeps your partner from dying of boredom
-Three minutes... are you fucking with me.  I really thought that.  Thats the real reason I smiled.  Because see you were fucking with me.  It's funny huh?
-Don't get all cuddle right after.  You sweat like a pig monkey
-If she don't congratulate you for a job well done, roll over and smile, or fall immediately to sleep with a satisfied smirk don't ask how it was.   It's forcing her to become a liar. 
-Don't ask her how many times she came...it makes you look really pathetic and if you continue to ignore the advice directly above this  the real answer is and will always be zero.
 

oh I'm deleting you from my phone book right now.





Notes for future self:
find new hobby
find & use self control
find & wear iron underwear
don't date any one who:
-willingly names them-self after a prison
-has never heard jazz or bossa nova
-idolizes Biggie Smalls
-kisses like that squid monster in Aliens
-talks more bullshit than a pasture full of steers who's hay has been spiked with ducloax
 
 
 
missrenie: (Default)






6969 Bliss Street
Hornyville, Cali-fornication
Just out-side of reality USA







Dear Irene:

I know you're thinking about it. 
Despite the fact that a few months/ weeks/ days/ hours (please circle one) ago you swore you wouldn't.
Remember last time  ________/________/_______(insert date)

You spent Day 1: unable to work effectively because you were too busy shivering uncontrollably and  in ecstasy.  Not only did you forget to do several key things essential  to your job, you also got to work late because of exhaustion. This caused ________________  (insert name(s) here) to mock you.

You spent Day 2 &3
: unable work or shut the hell up.  Every other word that came out of your mouth was____________________ this __________________ that  (insert name here).  You also smiled like a lunatic and vastly annoyed everyone in you immediate vacinity . This caused ________________  (insert name(s) here) to mock you.

You spent Day 4: in a pathetic downward spiral... now unable to work because of depression laced with horny-ness and had to avoid anything that sounded remotely like Jill Scott, Frank Sinatra, Macy Gray, Dave Matthews, Portis Head, Norah Jones, Within Temptation or Dana Krall which is fucktastically inconvenient since this comprises most of your musical collection.  You also gave yourself a headache from smacking your head against the steering wheel of your car in utter dismay at yourself and your actions.  This caused two little blue haired refuges from the old folks home, and one incredibly hot unknown to look at you like you were crazy.

You spent Day 5: clawing your way out of yesterday's downward spiral by listening to Punk Rock and Fuck You music which surprisingly included Within Temptation.  You gave yourself a headache from the multitudinous of overtly stereotypical neck snaps complete with eye rolling while you envisioned yourself telling _________________ (insert name here) why he/she (please circle one) is a total____________, _____________, ____________ (please use other side for more space) son/ daughter/ both  of a motherless goat.  This also caused ___________________ to mock you.

On Day 6:  you successfully achieved normality and swore never to do it again. 


And you're going to do it again aren't you?
Bless your sad simple horny heart.

Here are the rules.

#1           Do take it with a grain of salt
#2           Do remember your worth and your power
#3           Do enjoy yourself safely as always
#4           Do demand what you want
#5           Do let go
#6           And what ever you do Don’t fall… it's not love, it's not like, it's chemical.  That does not mean it 
               doesn't feel great.  It means it's like indigestion... the feeling will pass on through soon enough


Break rule #6 only in case of extreme emergency
And this isn’t an emergency.

 

Love you more than anyone else can,

Ms Common Sense
General Manager of the More Sensible Voices in Your Head.
Overlooked Co-Chair of the Pussy Power Brigade


missrenie: (Default)
One of my friends is keeping a sexual harassment log. The office perv has set his 58 year old, married with children sights on her. My advice was as follows:

Your normal office pervs are fun to screw with... mentally. Ask about his wife when he asks about going to "lunch" if he tells you about how they are having trouble and he feels trapped start to tell him that you know exactly what he means:

"Like in that movie Brokeback Mountain. The main character felt trapped too but if you just come out and tell your wife you're gay then things will eventually get better. "

If he tries to refute his homosexuality. Nod sympathetically but lace it with condescending undertones. Let him know that he should not be ashamed of himself. That the truth will set him free.

If he counters this by redoubling his efforts to get into your pants.

a: Invite him out to lunch and have one of your actual gay friends "drop by" introduce them, sit back and enjoy the show.
b:Invite him out to lunch and have one of your girlfriends come by.

I did this once for one of my friends. I dressed in my best bitch-fit and strolled into the restaurant and gave her a big kiss before sitting down. The guy was flabbergasted. Once recovered he tried to hint at the whole I'm into lesbian thing but I made it quite clear that my dick was bigger than his.

Anyway be creative. Have fun with it. And remember if you need me to I can come grab your ass and stick my tongue down your throat because that's what friends are for.
missrenie: (Default)

Someone said some real stupid, disrespectful, fucked up shit to me a few days ago.  I could have wilded out .
But I didn't
Because of how it would look if I flipped a switch when I had just counseled others  to not let anyone disturb their wa or screw with their zen

Later that night she did it again.  Not to me this time.  Just to everyone in general
Again I was handed an golden opportunity to lay down with the smack down
But I didn't
Because I was breathing it out.  Letting it go. Trying to follow my own advice.

Instead of following my natural inclination, my primal call to being a bitch.  And trust me she was all but screaming for me to be a bitch and I sooooo wanted to rise to the occasion. There was this little beast clawing at the inside walls of my brain screaming.  "Let me out.  Let me oooooouuuuuuutttt"
But I didn't.
Just because she's swinging her impotent dick in everyone's faces doesn't mean I have to whip mine out.  That would scare everyone else around me.  It's just rude to do with out warning.

So I tried to let it go.

The fucked up thing is that I still want to grab her by the back of her head, slap her and say "heifer you don't know me like that"
Now I'm pissed not only because of what she said but because I can't stop thinking about it.

About how satisfying it would be to shake her exactly how your not suppose to shake a baby.

Honestly I want to knock the silly out of her… but all that would leave is the stupid

(le sigh)

So that's it for today's diary excerpt of a mad black woman.
I'm trying to be enlightened human being about it
understanding, rise above… you know forgive
but right now

just for right now
I want to get down and dirty
missrenie: (Default)

Fun with Telemarketers

When I am hungry I become a certified bitch. Terick knows this…actually he is the one that pointed it out. I made a joke one time about how he didn't want me to get hungry cause I'm liable to snap and he pulled over into the nearest crack in the box and ordered a salad. I laughed until he said "No seriously eat it. It's going to be a long day"
I told him thanks for being so sweet and tried to disregard the look that plainly said "sweet nothing this is self preservation."
Whenever I go off the deep end he gives me half a sandwich a cup of cranberry juice a melatonin and puts me down for a nap. If this doesn't work he does the laundry.


Its 9:20 I didn't sleep well and I haven't had breakfast yet

 

Phone: Ring ring

Me: Good morning, ________ this is Irene speaking how may I help you?

Telemarketer:: Hello may I speak with --- -----?

Me: Are you a current __________ vendor or employee?

Telemarketer:: No

Me: Is this a sales or introductory call?

Telemarketer:: No

Me: I'm sorry he asks that I screen his calls today. What company are you with?

Telemarketer:: _________

Me:And the purpose of your call?

Telemarketer:: (some inchorrent fast talking blurb)

Me: I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that

Telemarketer:: (annoyed)Is --- ----- in or can I speak with someone who is authorized to make decisions for him?

Me: (bored) He does not have an assistant.

Telemarketer:: (really annoyed and for some reason this make me chipper) Is --- ----- in today?

Me: I'm sorry he asks that I screen his calls today. What is the purpose of your call?

Telemarketer:: To offer him a free invitation to subscribe to our magazine

Me: So this is a sales call

Telemarketer:: (pause)No it's an invitation call

Me: (equal pause) Ahh an invitation call… one moment

Put her on hold count to five transfer her to the black hole of death*

 

15 seconds later

Phone: Ring ring

Me: Good morning,_________ this is Irene speaking how may I help you?

Telemarketer:: Hello may I speak with --- -----?(hot damn this bitch is persistent)

Me: Are you a current________ vendor or employee?

Telemarketer:: No

Me: Is this a sales or introductory call?

Telemarketer::No

 

Me: I'm sorry he asks that I screen his calls today. What company are you with?

Telemarketer:: _______

Me: And the purpose of your call?

Telemarketer:: To offer him a free invitation to subscribe to our magazine… I just spoke with you. I think you transferred to the wrong line.

Me: Oh no that was the right line.

Telemarketer:: No one picked up and I would really like to speak with him

Me: (mock concern) Ohhh okay just a moment.

Put her on hold count to five transfer her back into to the black hole of death.

 

30 seconds later

Phone: Ring ring

Me: Good morning,_________ this is Irene speaking how may I help you?

Telemarketer:: Hello may I speak with --- -----?(I find this shit funny mostly because she isn't even saying his name right)

Me: Are you a current _______vendor or employee?

Telemarketer:: No… look I just want to leave a message for --- ----- can you help me with that?

Me: Did you leave a message with the line I just transferred you to?

Telemarketer:: Yes but I would rather speak with him in person about our magazine… does he have an e-mail address?

Me: Yes

Long pause

Telemarketer:: May I have it

Me: I'm not authorized to give you that information

Telemarketer: (exasperated) well can you give him a message for me.

Me: (wow all that frustration in her voice is beginning to turn me on) No

Telemarketer:: (Indignant) No?!

Me: No I can't. I'm paid a salary with overtime to keep people like you from harassing our employee. I'm willing to bet you're paid hourly on commission to do the opposite. It's okay with me if you want to keep barking up this tree. I have a headset on and I don't have to crane my neck. … I can do this song and dance all day lady.

(click)

She hung up on me.
I can't believe she hung up on me
What a bitch
I stand up and do my happy dance on the way to the vending machine to get some cranberry juice.




*Black hole of death: a voice mail box created by IT for the express purpose of
fucking with telemarketers. Like that pit in the movie 300… 3000? Whatever


I'm amused because I totally that telemarketer

Cookies?

Feb. 4th, 2008 04:15 pm
missrenie: (Default)

So this newbie sales man comes in the office.

Lets call him Eric… he looked like an Eric.

 
He started asking me information about the company.  I was in the go zone doing three zillon things at a time so I answered his questions on auto pilot.  Besides he had a deep voice and he was nice to look at.

 But then he started winking at me and I began to wonder if he really was a sales man and if he really wanted me to follow him outside or something.

 It wasn't a quick witty "I'm the shit and I'm acknowledging you wink".  You know… the kinda wink someone who is in total control of themselves or at least had several years experience in marketing and sales gives you.  The wink that for an instance makes you feel as if you were extraordinary because someone as slick as a jar full of Beaumont's hair pomade singled your homely ass out.  The kind of wink you flush at

First, because you feel all special or especially dirty and

Secondly because you are pissed as hell…

pissed, because you actually let your knees get a little weak for a person who is probably an obnoxious adulterous jack ass with the emotional depth of a teaspoon.

You suddenly realize you're not homely at all but you are pretty damn sure that that was sexual harassment or at least some inexcusable machismo diminutive gesture that you just let the greasy bastard get away with.

 
Anyway
It wasn't that kind of a wink
It was worse

It was the wink of a total noob*.  It lasted forever and I had to really fight against my better judgment to ask if he needed visine.

He said when he came back he would bring something special for me… a little treat.  He then went on about how his company likes to give little things to show there appreciation like See's candy or those expensive ass cookies you find in the mall… Miss Felids or something.

 

WTF a little treat?!
Like my fat ass needs a damn cookie.
Did he offer me cookies because I am fat?
Probably not but fuck him anyway.

 

Honey the only reason I actually helped your ass was because I didn't have the energy to tell you to shove off.  Please sugah do me a favor before you come back.   Practice that wink in the mirror.  Tell yourself what ever self affirmations you have to.  Because if your going to do something so overtly chauvinist I wanna feel smutty about it for at least five full seconds.  I wanna feel like grabbing your ass before I get the inclination to tell you to kiss mine.

 

Oh well See you tomorrow

 

 

Don't forget the cookies

 

 

* Noob

is a slang term for a newcomer to online gaming or an Internet activity. It can also be used for any other activity in whose context a somewhat clueless newcomer could exist. It can have derogatory connotations(and in this case does), but is also often used for descriptive purposes only, without a value judgment.

missrenie: (Fatgurl@thegym)
Dah Fab Miss Hu wrote:

How to end conversations quickly w/o being rude.

I've figured out how to end conversations quickly w/o being rude. This is guaranteed to work. Here's what you do:
Talk about how fat you are. Then continue to whine about it. The more pathetic you sound about it, the better. Trust me. I've tried it. It's a proven method. Or maybe it just works with a few people... hm...





My response:

In my experience this technique only works if your not fat
If you're not fat people leave you alone because they think you are crazy.

If you are fat they start giving you suggestions on how to lose weight and stay healthy...
unless they are fat too.

If they are fat as well they:

a: they get put off by your self loathing and riled by your dissension from the ranks of BBW. They launch their own personal campaign to free you from your dangerously low self esteem. This may seem like a noble effort but it is really an attempt at self validation. If you see yourself as Shamo’s younger undiscovered sister what must you think of them? *

-or-

b: attempt to out whine you by directly engaging you in a verbose battle chock full of social injustices, morbid self actualizations and the mental/spiritual pain and anguish accrued/inflicted in dressing rooms around the world, fitting into roller coaster carts or trying to tell the flight stewardess that they needed a seat belt extender on the DL. Contrary to popular belief (sadly based on personal experience) no one wins these because ultimately fat misery loves fat company. *





* As a side note this is particularly troublesome at work because after being called in by the HR manager who gently suggests therapy and for months you will have to deal with empathic yet annoying coworkers who tell you how especially nice you look today even though you are wearing the same damn thing as yesterday.
missrenie: (Default)

  

kris : I'm working late tonight
kris : goddess only knows how late
Me: do you need me to help?
kris: nothing for you to do
Me: k
kris : I have to do all the entry this week
kris : and I'm lagging because I was swamped yesterday
Me: ahhh
kris : and now I get word that my assistant is getting sick
kris : so with her gone tomorrow and *** working form home, I'm guaranteed to get nothing done
Me: you'll get done as much as you can... the only really important things is knowing that you did what you could despite what others say... if you put your best foot forward then you are always in the right
kris: ok
Me: then
kris : that was creepy
Me: you can take that foot
kris : lol
kris: there we go
Me: and kick them
Me: in the azz
kris : you were sounding like a Stepford Wife
Me: lol

 

 

Feelin': devious

Sounds surrounding me: Baby Face (soon as I get home from work)

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missrenie

November 2011

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