missrenie: (Default)

Early January 2009

Me: My throat is killing me I have a fever, I can’t stop coughing.
Dr:  It’s viral take this pain med and drink lots of water
Me: Are you sure a lot of the people I know with these symptoms are on antibiotics
Dr:  No what you have is viral


Mid January 2009

Me: My throat is killing me I have a fever, I can’t stop coughing.
Dr:  It’s viral take this pain med and drink lots of water and get plenty of rest
Me: Are you sure a lot of the people I know with thesesymptoms are on antibiotics
Dr:  No what you have is viral.


Early February 2009

Me: My throat is killing me I have a fever, I can’t stop coughing I want to die
Dr:  It’s viral take this pain med and drink lots of water and get plenty of rest
Me: Are you sure a lot of the people I know with these symptoms are on antibiotics.  Can you take another look.  I really think this is more than viral.
Dr:  No what you have is viral.



Sunday February 22nd 2009


Me: My throat is killing me I have a fever, I can’t stopcoughing. I really want to die.  This is ruining my sex life and therefore my quality of life.


Dr:  It’s viral take this pain med and drink lots of water and get plenty of rest


Me: I refuse to take any more pain medicine.  It’s probably screwing up my liver anyway.  You may think it’s viral but I insist on getting antibiotics.  I can’t live this way.  I swear I’ll shove this pen into my ear and bleed all over this table if I don’t get some relief.


Dr:  Lets take another look… oh yeah that’s quite a-

Me: Mess, hot nasty mess

Dr: Quite a case of laryngitis.  I’m prescribing antibiotics.  Lets see have you engaged in unprotected sex.

Me: No.

Dr: Have you preformed fellatio without a condom that can cause this sometimes it may also be syphilis.

Me: Excuse me?

Dr: It’s quite curable. We will run a few tests just to be safe.  Have you participated in anal sex recently?

Me: No!!(oh heeeeelllz ta da no this muther fucker did not just imply that I did some fucked up ass then mouth did he?) I mean I think it’s uncomfortable.  I’ve heard there are tons of nerve endings and that is quite pleasurable but I have a mental block on it.  I totally support the LGBT community.  It’s not like that.  I mean I am bisexual actually pansexual so ummm…

Dr: Ah it could be chlamydia... so have you recently slept with a man that’s slept with another man?

Me: (jesus not this shit again....)


Two hours, three lectures and several blood tests later I finally walk out of Kaiser with my antibi-fuckin-otics (for chlamydia).  Throughly annoyed, pissed off and in terrible want of a cup of tea and a warm shower.


Basically the same way I used to feel after confession with Father Dvorak.


The results are in... I'm pure as the driven snow much to the surprise of Dr *** I want to shove it in his face and scream “See Ethical Slut does not equal Diseased Whore Bag! I know how to use protection and common sense!”

missrenie: (Default)


Doctor:: How are you today?

Me: Fine

Doctor:: No you’re not… if you were you wouldn’t be sitting there and I wouldn’t be standing here.

Me: True

Doctor:: It’s an automatic response.

Me: What is?

Doctor:: Fine… I do it to at the movie theater.   The guy handing me my ticket says enjoy the show and I say you too.  It’s an automatic response, we all do it.  So tell me why you’re not fine.

Me: I think it’s an ear infection

Doctor:: So tell me why you’re not fine

Me: Because you’re an ass.  Dizziness, headache, postnasal drip, sharp pain in the right ear, generally wanting to off myself because of the ringing

Doctor::  For how long  He says not missing a beat.  I award him 6 cool points*

Me: Two weeks

Doctor:: And the pain

Me: Three days… really sucks today though

He holds my left ear and sticks the light in it, he does the same thing to the right.  "Well it’s not an ear infection.  Your ear and your nose are connected though.  (insert some medical shit I can’t understand but found oddly comforting at the moment because he spoke to me as if I understood.,  I forgive him for being an ass even though I don’t know what the hell he is talking about) So let’s take a look at your nose…Wow! It’s not supposed to look like that" 

He shoves the light up my nose again, leans, in and squints "Nope… not supposed to look like that.  Wow I was not expecting that."  He lingers…when he pulls away the look on his face is a mixture of pity and pain.  Like he saw the sinking of the Titanic or the Passion in my left nostril.

He shakes his head.

I’m still stuck on "it’s not suppose to look like that"… what kinda shit is that to say to a patient?    That’s the line I used on guys who used to whip it** out on me in high school.  I some how manage to suppress the inner freak out that I normally reserve for doctor visits and maintain my cool points.


"Do you know you have allergies?"

Now, it’s not like he said I have cancer or it’s the end of the world, but when a doctor says you "have something" for some reason its always the same response: a mild stuttering stemming from slight disbelief and semi dramatic shock.    "Ah---aler---allergeeeees?"  Damn just watch those cool points fly and die.

"Well if you didn’t know now you know." I suppress the urge to sing out glory glory. He sits back in his chair and starts to type out a prescription.  He is still shaking his head.   I refuse to succumb to anxiety.  "You must have had this for years.  How do you live like this?"

I reply with silence, no witty response, no charming rebuttal… damn those cool

points! What is he?  Some kind of cool point vampire?!

"Hey wanna see something cool? Go to the mirror cover your left nostril and try to breathe"

I do it.

"I can breathe just fine"

"Close your mouth and breathe into your left nostril"

I do, no air gets in, my left nostril does this weird caving in thing and I start to see stars. 

"Neat huh?  That’s why you’re dizzy. "

Jack ass "Really?"

"Yeah it’s the beginning of the season too."  He says this rather sadly as he spins around to look at me.  "You have a long way to go." Sucks for you is strongly implied.

He proceeds to give me my prescription instructions and makes me promise six times not to use the Afrin more than three days in a row.  I leave to go to the pharmacy.  I’m halfway down the hall when he calls out. "Congratulations on your blood pressure it’s gone down."

Congratulations on your bedside manner, your mother must be proud.   "Thanks"


3 hours later I dose up and realize why he gave me that pity/pained look.

Being able to breathe is awesome

And Afrin is the new hotness.



*Cool Points (noun) : A system that describes how cool a person is. Whenever a person does something good or bad they gain or lose cool points

 Ex: You be losing cool points.

**It: penis, schloong, ram rocket, mini-me, junior, god’s gift, twig, tickle stick, poker, best friend, pecker, peter, pickle, one eyed snake or Mr. Happy 

Ex:  Is it supposed to look like that?

missrenie: (Default)
I've got some bad habits. Some of them are only slightly bad. Like laughing at inappropriate moments, snapping pictures of people's faces when they fall down before asking if they need any help up, making demon faces at little children and cursing loudly in public… libraries. Those things (unless we are taken over by the right wing fundamentalist) won't kill me. But I do have a few habits that just might do the trick. No not drugs or alcohol or even fast driving. But it is an addiction.

This addiction is to food… bad food… the stuff that will kill you food. It used to be really bad. I would sneak off to get a fix of french-fries. I used to get the shakes when I passed by a burger joint. Damn you Fast Food and what you have done to the Nation!!! I even went to OA… like Alcoholics Anonymous except for Over Eaters. What a group that was.

"Ummm….hello my name is Irene and I am an obsessive compulsive over eater… it has been 2 days since my last big mac binge fest and I am very happy to be here." I would leave those meetings so depressed that I would have to get a fix on the way home… so yeah didn't work for me. But I realized that I had a problem and I found my own course to fix it. I went through with drawl something awful I womaned up and got over that…. Scared Terick though….

At my current job I have easy, don't even have to get up from my seat, access to two of my biggest addictions. Coffee and Chocolate are not part of a nutritious breakfast especially if you are pre-diabetic. Yes damn't I said it. Pre mutha fuckin diabetic!!!! This is something that I have known for six months about. This is something that I am embarrassed about., Something that I try not to think about. But just because you don't want to think about something does not mean it goes away trust me it does not work for my waistline or the war in Iraq.

So why am I airing out this dirty laundry? Because I need help. If you see me at some party or out somewhere and we are eating and I order any of the following things:
White breads or white pasta or rice ... anything white that is not an egg
Processed food of any kind
Soda or sweet drinks

You have my complete and total permission to bitch slap me… or at the very least remind me about how much I love my left foot.

Ask me… so how is that exercise thing going, how's your healthly life style change thing?
To some of you this may sound like a cry for help
And you would be correct….
Damn skippy it is.
No shame in my game.
Some battles you can fight on your own… and even though I am the only one that can win it… the only one on the front line. I need my friends as reinforcement.
Luv yall
Peace (but not out yet)
missrenie: (Default)
One of my fav things about taking Shiatsu is hearing the story of the day. Here is one of those powerful stories and its direct application to my life.

How is it good? How is it bad?

There was a boy who wanted a horse. He went to his father and said, "Father I want a horse… if I had one that would be very good."

Time went by and soon it was the boy's birthday. His father seeing how he had grown in responsibility bought him a horse. When the boy saw this he ran and thanked his father saying, "Father I have a horse now… thank you … this is very good!!"

The Father replied…yes but how is it bad?

Time went on and one day after riding his horse the boy forgot to lock the gate and the horse escaped. "Father," he said "My horse is gone… this is bad this is very bad!!!"

The Father replied… yes but how is it good?

Time went on and one day the horse wandered back home… but it brought with it another horse from the fields. When the boy saw this he was very happy indeed. He ran to his father and said excitedly. "Father, I now have two horses. This is very good!!!"

The Father replied… yes but how is it bad?

Time went on and one day while the boy was training his new horse it became frightened and threw him to the ground. The boy's leg was badly broken and he was in much pain. "Father," He said weakly after the doctor had reset the bones. "My horse… it has broken my leg. This is bad… this is very very bad."

The Father looked down at his son and said very gently… yes but how is it good?

Time went on. The country went to war. From the greatest city to the tiniest village men were pulled from their homes and given orders to fight. But when the soldiers came to the little house they did not take the son because of his broken leg. "Father", he said when they had gone. "They did not take me this is good. This is very very good."

The Father simply replied… yes this is good... but how is it bad?

I have a job :)

But I am in insanely close proximity to a candy dish full of my favorite treats. I ate so much I got sick

I am now sick of candy :)
missrenie: (Default)

I got insurance!!
very exciting
I went to the doctors
My hormones are giving my body hell... so i've just been placed on hormone therapy... and im overstressed so I was put on blood pressure meds. Given appointments to see two new doctors and sent for multiple tests.
Needless to say I freaked the hell out

I mean I am surprised

not really surprised when your period up and walks out on you for seven years it is a sign that something is wrong
but I thought I was getting better
Well the blood pressure meds zapped all the sodium and minerals out of my body. It was like having the flu without the fever. I did however become aware of the major muscle set in my body when they all decided to cramp simultaneously on me at the gym. That was quite embarrassing and since I could not have that I went to the hospital. Where I was treated by the sweetest Star Trek Geek doctor I have ever met. He ask me if I was confused and I told him that the question confused me... he took me off the blood pressure pills and told me to go on a half dose only after I get back to normal. That should take about a week he said.

Ha normal ... anyway
I can barely think in a straight line as it took me half an hour to write this so far
im drinking plenty of fluids
and constantly banging on my meditation bowl
it's been a slice of heaven since I no long have that sleeping problem because my body is exhausted
and to top it off I lost 11 pounds on my exercise, diet, rehydration life style change
im jazzed cause I can fit in my sandals now.
upset because I think my feet were the only place to drop weight.
over joyed that I’m not scared of needles
more tests today had to fast for 12 hours

I’m pretty balanced right now
But this is only after the emotional break down where I had to be restrained from consuming a pint of ben and jerrys
And I got a tetanus shot which cause my left arm to swell up
couple of days my ass its been about a week


missrenie: (Default)
So I've been having some "reactions" to the medications I was put on. I called the nurse practitioner to findout what the hell I should do about it...

I ended up being scheduled for after hours care at the hospital.

so after a good 2 minute cry a mint chocolate cookie and a rousing self pep talk.. I called my soon- to -be mother in-law and asked her for a ride to the hospital.

The worst part is actually having to ask her to stop at home
so I can get a pair of underwear
not quite sure how im gonig to explain that one

god I hate underwear.


missrenie: (Default)

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