I just ran across a gem from my OkCupid days and had so post it for posterity’s sake. Name changed to protect the highly bloggable guilty
Phil: I WANT TO BEAT THAT
Magnoliah: good for you
Phil: LET ME IN TTHEN
Magnoliah: I said good for you not for me
Magnoliah: I am polyamorous yes… you left off the amorous part. Besides your use of caps offends my vision as does your approach.
Phil: ME 2
Magnoliah: then why do you persist in using all caps.
Magnoliah: just purely out of interest... has I want to beat that ever worked for you in the past?
Phil: I STILL MAY WORK RIGHT NOW
Magnoliah: lol not this time darling . The caps are making my eyes bleed.
Phil: JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY HAVE YOU BEEN BEATEN BEFORE?
Phil: Beaten until everything below your waist was sore?
Magnoliah: thank you for removing the caps... and just to be clear by beaten do you mean fucked?
Magnoliah: ah then yes
Phil: Fucked like you stole something
Phil: Yes you have or yes you liked it
Magnoliah: yes to both
Phil: Then you should let me beat that
Magnoliah:I don't follow your logic
Phil: u don’t have 2 follow u just gotta lay there I got the rest.
Magnoliah: You’re knocking on my door the wrong way or maybe you are knocking on the wrong door. I am kinky and wild and a fucking freak but I have to have more interest than getting beaten until I am sore in order to allow myself to get beaten until I am sore… follow?
Phil: wrong door wrong language wrong day
Magnoliah: Sadly so sweetness. Good luck …finding the right door that is ;) and when you do may you knock it the fuck out.
Magnoliah: peace :)
I heart you craigslist <3
Date: 2009-06-15, 3:56PM MDT
Ladies are you tired of your black man that does not work, has other kids you help him take care of, does not listen to you, rub your feet sometimes, take your car without asking, and just parties in the club with his boys all week long and make you stay at home. ladies i know as a black man that aome of us do those type of things, so if your in the market for a new black man listen up
Im employed with a good job, i dont stay at home with mom even though we are in a recssion i have two cars, im six foot 2 200 pounds no kids and no crazy exes
things i like to do
3) watch movies
4)and just chill
1) Down to earth
2) can cook
3) no kids. i might make an exception if the baby dad is far far away--i hate baby dad drama
4) has a career
5) own home
6) can rub a back do the splits or shoot an basketball, or kick a soccer ball, something athletic
8) at least a b plus-that means you better be looking like an model or on the verge of looking like one..lol
preference (just what i really like)
1) can conversate good
2) dark hair
3) light skin. that means mixed black women white women mexican and white asian mexican--you get the point
4) nice hands
5) not a pushover
things i can do for you
1) listen when you come home tired or have problems
2) rub your back and feet
3) take you out if i feel like your worthy of a good wine and dine
4) put my face in the cookie if you know what i mean
5)not try to get with one of your friends after you tell her how good the sex is..lol
6) be loyal and respectful
7) make you laugh
Well if you still reading im sure your laughing right now. and thats my best quality making a women laugh. so anyway i know your saying what does this brotha look like.. well im not gonna lie im not usher but i dont look like SEAL either so if SEAL the singer can get HEDI KLUM a model im sure i can get a nice good looking women. hell somebodies got to date you why not me...get back with me with pic and contact info myspace facebook link, and i will will be happy to send pics of me. thanks and please no dumb replies only serious ones cause i am being serious.. thanks
See genius and I'll explain why:
Aside from the overwhelming amount of grammatical and spelling errors which is a painful and probably accurate red flag regarding the underwhelming upcoming “Conversate” any woman daft enough to take him on would have, this is 100% pure genius.
Because (while being completely high-larious) he has presented honest intent and personal character clear enough for any woman of any imagination to get the full vivid picture… even though it isn’t a pretty one. He has meticulously laid out bright yellow “Danger” tape and bold red signs that say “Stop sbm with self esteem so low he has to write I as i, seeking articulate -lighter- than a paper bag video girl to engage in foot fetish and hand porn who will not mind spanking him since it would bring some validation and excitement to his life which consists of:
3) watch movies
4)and just chill
While the offer to “take you out if i feel like your worthy of a good wine and dine.” May seem heartwarming at first it is a guarded cruising for a bruising. So is the reassuring promise to “not try to get with one of your friends after you tell her how good the sex is..lol”
The pièce de résistance… and there is a pièce de résistance is the Newtonian logic presented in his closing statements … and I quote “somebodies got to date you why not me”. How noble and self sacrificing.
The ironic genius is this: In his effort to not be one undesirable man he has depicted himself as that man’s equal if not brother. Bravo and encore sir. I’m no video girl but I have pretty feet and hands and I am fully capable of tying you up and spanking you… you misogynic myopic blatantly masochistic foot fetish freak you.
Friday night at 8:05pm
I’m standing on a darkened street.
my eyes are rimmed with khol, my lips shiny with blood wine colored gloss,
my dreds are pulled into two low buns at the back of my head.
I am dressed in a red and black striped corset,
short black skirt with a slit up the back,
and appropriately uncomfortable shiny black patent leather 6 inch fuck me stilettos whose steel grommets accents wrap scandalously up my ankle…
We are way past the do you know why I pulled you over, where are you coming from, where are you going song and dance. It is flawless until we get to the registration part.
See I brought my car a while ago and didn’t register it until that Tuesday. I have the paper work proving that it is registered in my binder… that is on my futon… at home along with my proof of insurance.
So now I am trying to prove that I am not a whore and the car is mine. Frantically searching for my cell phone in my purse so I can ask Marlene to bring me the papers, pulling out things like a leather collar and nipple clamps while telling him my entire life story or at least the part about buying the car, the breaking up of my relationship, moving to a new place, working seven days a week and the reason why the car was not registered sooner.
The officer informs me of all the fines and penalties that I am facing
I get angry…
I admit I behave badly. I am really looking forward to play time with Mister…. seriously I am going through withdrawl for a while. And the thought of having my car taken away, fined 1,300 dollars for not having my proof of insurance on top of the possibility of not being able to see Mister was more than I could handle.
I get emotional.
Maybe it’s the massive amounts of cleavage
Maybe it’s that I’m about to cry
Maybe it’s the fact that beginning throws of crying makes the massive amount of cleavage dance like a hula girl on the dashboard of some teenagers first hand me down or maybe his first teenage hand me down but he softens.
Look I want to believe you but you don’t have any paper work or any proof that this is your car.
At this point the phone rings and its Mister who sounds a little worried and wants to know where I am. I apologize to the officer and take the call and explain what’s going on… when I hang up I tell the officer that I’m going to get scolded for running late and speeding.
Where were you going again exactly?
Where is it?
~I give him vague directions because I do not know the street address.
He gives me a look boarding on incredulity You don’t know the street address?
~I give him an equal look of indignation I’m a woman I drive by landmarks.
So what exactly is ********?
A club a dinner what?
A social event, a dance hall?
~It's...What ensues is a nearly 15 min conversation about the nature of bdsm, dispelling the myth that it is all about sex, the importance of safe,sane and consensual, basics on submissive and dominate relationship, power and exchange and overview on the psychology involved in play.
So what are you?
~Right now… a Submissive Switch.
Ahh that makes sense. That should be helpful with balancing out your A type personality.
~You really think I have an A type personality? I’m clearly if not blantly appalled.
Raises an eyebrow....with incredulity
~Okay okay you're right
He laughs and it’s a real laugh.
And he lets me go… even tells me that I can continue onto ********* instead of going home to get my paper work first. Tells me to drive slower, wash my rear window so I can see (if I’m being followed by the police) and tells me his name and where the station is and in case I am stopped again his card.
About 20 mins later (cause I went home and got my paperwork) I’m gripping onto the St Andrews Cross screaming/moaning my new mantra.
On time is late
Late is never acceptable
and for a brief moment I can’t help but smile because the sheer visual of myself dressed up like that defending myself, my sexual preferences, and the legal status of my ride is stranger than fiction
and what’s even stranger is that I think that officer knew exactly where and what ******** was and I think
a: I don't have time for
b: are helping me create toxic enviroments
Thats like 3 people and I am currently working on a fourth. I was feeling pretty good about it
then I got a voice mail
not two hours later
I think this proves that the Cosmic all has a light grey to charcoal sense of humor.... I think I should ask Her out.
I had a weird dream
Not a bad one
Just a really weird one
I wake up
I check the time
It’s one o’clock in the morning... I think
And I smell something
Something earthy and sage-like and I realize just why I had a weird ass- wake me up at one o’clock in the god damn morning-dream
I’ve just been fucking hotboxed*!!!
Someone lit up in the living room. This has not been a problem in the past since I close my bedroom door, tuck a towel under the crack and sleep with the window open for circulation.
But its winter now. There is no way I am sleeping with that window open. It was so chilly last night that we turned on the heater. The vent that sucks the air into the ventilation system is in the hallway right next to the living room
Needless to say:
+Closed and sealed bedroom door
+420 friendly someone (who knows who they are)
= me all fucked up
I open my door... which is hard to do since I am groggy and the towel is getting in the way. I scream down the hall which seems longer than usual so I scream louder than normal. At least I think I am…
'Hey! are you smoking?!'
'A while ago'
'Jesus Christ!' at least I think I scream Jesus Christ...
I can't answer because Tank has just run down the hall and is accosting me like he hasn't seen me in two days when in all actuality it has only been two hours. I am trying to fend off his affection but I am groggy and I only use one hand since I'm trying to keep myself decent. After a while I realize that it’s a dog and don't really care if it sees me naked cause I see it naked all the time. I drop the sheet and shove him out with both hands but not before my face is covered in doggy slobber. I slam the door shut… or at least I think I do.
Pry open the window, light an incense stick stay awake just long enough to put it out. Once I figure out how anyway and collapse back onto my now trampled futon.
I wake up again around 3pm this time because I am freezing my tits off on account of falling asleep with the window open.
Somewhere, seriously, I swear some cosmic deity is just rolling in the god damn aisles…
I’d normally be upset about this
But currently I am in a curiously good mood
I wonder why…
Guy 1: "Dude, my parents are on holiday and we're gonna hotbox my bathroom!!"
Guy 2: "SWEEET!"
I figure Tank had something to do with it.
He has taken serious liking to my futon.
But later that night
as I reach for my evening delight I come up empty handed
Seems like Tank has taken a liking to something else
Dog ran off with my fucking vibrator!!
I just hope I find it before Marlene does.
So I should be more adult than this but.
I want to save this because the end tickles me terribly….
Earlier this month I received this email from an acquaintance aka (Conservative Southern Republican who mistakenly thinks she is Bipartisan) about Obama and the ACORN issue. It was just as bad as her Obama is a Muslim terrorist e-mail… which was just racist and wrong.
Anyway me being emotional and all over recent events (and the fact that I’ve been to exhausted to successfully play with myself before falling asleep the past few nights) responded in kind to her email by basically calling her out as being a rumor monger…
she “resent(ed) the accusation that (she is) sowing the seeds of partisanship.” and challenges me to an open debate.
I’m lolling my ass off.
I mean come on… I am not running for president.
I’m totally insane and game.
Anyway blows are exchanged.
Bipartisan my ass!!!
Come on now take a look at yourself hun… admit it damn’t. It’s okay just admit it. You are a Conservative its okay. Don’t be scurred fucking own that shit!
Anyway she laid down her proverbial king on the chess board with hateful snarkiness
As the mother of a 6 month old boy, I understand being busy. That said, I have counter arguements and talking points for almost everything you said, and though normally I relish the opportunity to engage in long winded debates, to do research and write well thought out responses, I just don't have the time to continue this discussion any further. It would be different if I thought anything I could say would make a difference, but I feel any more time on this matter would be an acedemic exercise in futility. Based on your previous responses, I doubt it would do any good, and frankly I would rather spend time with my son. I have many more things I would like to say, but I just don't see the point. Maybe we can continue this discussion at another time.
“academic exercise in futility” I love it!!! Condescension hates kindness so I respond
lol I whole heartedly agree!! We have very different view points and everyone knows that a "man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still"
Maybe it would be best if we refrained from politics being the passionate, opinionated and verbose women that we are.
Are you still writing?
Six months already?
May your house and family be blessed
I have yet to hear a reply ;)
I must be feeling better
I have to be.
I know this because I want to strangle my inner child.
As I lay in bed this morning watching the sunlight ooze through my venetian blinds the little bitch started in on me.
Weapon of choice: Show Tunes.
I hate it when she sings show tunes.
By time I roll off the futon she is halfway through The Sun'll come out Tomorrow.
Much to my dismay I found myself skipping around the house humming Heart don't fail me now, courage don't dissert me from Anastasia
The drive to work was accompanied by Mulan’s To Be a Man… changed to To Be a Single Woomannnnn
And as I made coffee I was fucking Sleeping Beauty singing a disturbing & raunchy rendition of Someday my prince/princess will come
It's not even nine o'clock yet and my inner child has joined forces with my inner teenager. We’re into pop now… Destiny’s Child Survivor. Even the inner doom-cookie- goth-light- wannabe is starting to chime in with Within Temptation’s Stand my Ground.
It’s going to be a long day
But at least it will be a good one
~~thanks Kwame :)
Me: I wanna chat with ----- but I don't know if I should
I think I will just stay hidden from him
Kris: is he on?
Kris : do you think that maybe he might think you're avoiding him?
Me: snap monkey I wouldn't want that
im ignoring Jim not him
I'm just afraid of being like hi hi hi hi and he really not interested and all that fire cracking was on my
side and not his
Kris: then you type "sup"
okay I can do that
it can't be only on my side he was so intense
im over thinking
besides its just fun right
fuck it I have to just say that over and over again
Kris: why are you being like me 2 years ago?
Me: karma, karma being the little bitch whore she is
anyway should I put a smiley face behind the sup?
or should I not
or should I say hey you since sup is so leet speak
or should I say sup you?
wtf is wrong with me
was it that good that I am stupid
did you hear that
I just slapped myself
maybe that gave me a bit more sense
Kris: SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT
you're pissing me off and I'm going to have to fucking slap you tomorrow
Me: i typed in hiyah
its my compromise
Me: this is crazy
god damnt you know what I am getting a vibrator and calling it a fuckin day
I am not allowed to date
this is turning me stupid
fuck women too
I’m going to be a nun from now on
Kris: yeah ok
that won't last
Me: hey can we trade the honesty for a little support here!
Seriously next time I go out with anyone im wearing my cast iron drawers…well unless its Mr Studd
Kris: yeah he's cute
freaky but cute
and that's how Christian Bale was in American Psycho
Me: cute and freaky?
Kris: and scary with a fucking saw
Me: well thanks for ruining Mr Studd FOUREV’ERRRR
this is that honesty thing again isn't it?
I see what you did there
Kris: safety before pleasure
Doctor:: How are you today?
Doctor:: No you’re not… if you were you wouldn’t be sitting there and I wouldn’t be standing here.
Doctor:: It’s an automatic response.
Me: What is?
Doctor:: Fine… I do it to at the movie theater. The guy handing me my ticket says enjoy the show and I say you too. It’s an automatic response, we all do it. So tell me why you’re not fine.
Me: I think it’s an ear infection
Doctor:: So tell me why you’re not fine
Me: Because you’re an ass. Dizziness, headache, postnasal drip, sharp pain in the right ear, generally wanting to off myself because of the ringing
Doctor:: For how long He says not missing a beat. I award him 6 cool points*
Me: Two weeks
Doctor:: And the pain
Me: Three days… really sucks today though
He holds my left ear and sticks the light in it, he does the same thing to the right. "Well it’s not an ear infection. Your ear and your nose are connected though. (insert some medical shit I can’t understand but found oddly comforting at the moment because he spoke to me as if I understood., I forgive him for being an ass even though I don’t know what the hell he is talking about) So let’s take a look at your nose…Wow! It’s not supposed to look like that"
He shoves the light up my nose again, leans, in and squints "Nope… not supposed to look like that. Wow I was not expecting that." He lingers…when he pulls away the look on his face is a mixture of pity and pain. Like he saw the sinking of the Titanic or the Passion in my left nostril.
He shakes his head.
I’m still stuck on "it’s not suppose to look like that"… what kinda shit is that to say to a patient? That’s the line I used on guys who used to whip it** out on me in high school. I some how manage to suppress the inner freak out that I normally reserve for doctor visits and maintain my cool points.
"Do you know you have allergies?"
Now, it’s not like he said I have cancer or it’s the end of the world, but when a doctor says you "have something" for some reason its always the same response: a mild stuttering stemming from slight disbelief and semi dramatic shock. "Ah---aler---allergeeeees?" Damn just watch those cool points fly and die.
"Well if you didn’t know now you know." I suppress the urge to sing out glory glory. He sits back in his chair and starts to type out a prescription. He is still shaking his head. I refuse to succumb to anxiety. "You must have had this for years. How do you live like this?"
I reply with silence, no witty response, no charming rebuttal… damn those cool
points! What is he? Some kind of cool point vampire?!
"Hey wanna see something cool? Go to the mirror cover your left nostril and try to breathe"
I do it.
"I can breathe just fine"
"Close your mouth and breathe into your left nostril"
I do, no air gets in, my left nostril does this weird caving in thing and I start to see stars.
"Neat huh? That’s why you’re dizzy. "
Jack ass "Really?"
"Yeah it’s the beginning of the season too." He says this rather sadly as he spins around to look at me. "You have a long way to go." Sucks for you is strongly implied.
He proceeds to give me my prescription instructions and makes me promise six times not to use the Afrin more than three days in a row. I leave to go to the pharmacy. I’m halfway down the hall when he calls out. "Congratulations on your blood pressure it’s gone down."
Congratulations on your bedside manner, your mother must be proud. "Thanks"
3 hours later I dose up and realize why he gave me that pity/pained look.
Being able to breathe is awesome
And Afrin is the new hotness.
*Cool Points (noun) : A system that describes how cool a person is. Whenever a person does something good or bad they gain or lose cool points
Ex: You be losing cool points.
**It: penis, schloong, ram rocket, mini-me, junior, god’s gift, twig, tickle stick, poker, best friend, pecker, peter, pickle, one eyed snake or Mr. Happy
Ex: Is it supposed to look like that?
Fun with Telemarketers
When I am hungry I become a certified bitch. Terick knows this…actually he is the one that pointed it out. I made a joke one time about how he didn't want me to get hungry cause I'm liable to snap and he pulled over into the nearest crack in the box and ordered a salad. I laughed until he said "No seriously eat it. It's going to be a long day"
I told him thanks for being so sweet and tried to disregard the look that plainly said "sweet nothing this is self preservation."
Whenever I go off the deep end he gives me half a sandwich a cup of cranberry juice a melatonin and puts me down for a nap. If this doesn't work he does the laundry.
Its 9:20 I didn't sleep well and I haven't had breakfast yet
Phone: Ring ring
Me: Good morning, ________ this is Irene speaking how may I help you?
Telemarketer:: Hello may I speak with --- -----?
Me: Are you a current __________ vendor or employee?
Me: Is this a sales or introductory call?
Me: I'm sorry he asks that I screen his calls today. What company are you with?
Me:And the purpose of your call?
Telemarketer:: (some inchorrent fast talking blurb)
Me: I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that
Telemarketer:: (annoyed)Is --- ----- in or can I speak with someone who is authorized to make decisions for him?
Me: (bored) He does not have an assistant.
Telemarketer:: (really annoyed and for some reason this make me chipper) Is --- ----- in today?
Me: I'm sorry he asks that I screen his calls today. What is the purpose of your call?
Telemarketer:: To offer him a free invitation to subscribe to our magazine
Me: So this is a sales call
Telemarketer:: (pause)No it's an invitation call
Me: (equal pause) Ahh an invitation call… one moment
Put her on hold count to five transfer her to the black hole of death*
15 seconds later
Phone: Ring ring
Me: Good morning,_________ this is Irene speaking how may I help you?
Telemarketer:: Hello may I speak with --- -----?(hot damn this bitch is persistent)
Me: Are you a current________ vendor or employee?
Me: Is this a sales or introductory call?
Me: I'm sorry he asks that I screen his calls today. What company are you with?
Me: And the purpose of your call?
Telemarketer:: To offer him a free invitation to subscribe to our magazine… I just spoke with you. I think you transferred to the wrong line.
Me: Oh no that was the right line.
Telemarketer:: No one picked up and I would really like to speak with him
Me: (mock concern) Ohhh okay just a moment.
Put her on hold count to five transfer her back into to the black hole of death.
30 seconds later
Phone: Ring ring
Me: Good morning,_________ this is Irene speaking how may I help you?
Telemarketer:: Hello may I speak with --- -----?(I find this shit funny mostly because she isn't even saying his name right)
Me: Are you a current _______vendor or employee?
Telemarketer:: No… look I just want to leave a message for --- ----- can you help me with that?
Me: Did you leave a message with the line I just transferred you to?
Telemarketer:: Yes but I would rather speak with him in person about our magazine… does he have an e-mail address?
Telemarketer:: May I have it
Me: I'm not authorized to give you that information
Telemarketer: (exasperated) well can you give him a message for me.
Me: (wow all that frustration in her voice is beginning to turn me on) No
Telemarketer:: (Indignant) No?!
Me: No I can't. I'm paid a salary with overtime to keep people like you from harassing our employee. I'm willing to bet you're paid hourly on commission to do the opposite. It's okay with me if you want to keep barking up this tree. I have a headset on and I don't have to crane my neck. … I can do this song and dance all day lady.
She hung up on me.
I can't believe she hung up on me
What a bitch
I stand up and do my happy dance on the way to the vending machine to get some cranberry juice.
*Black hole of death: a voice mail box created by IT for the express purpose of fucking with telemarketers. Like that pit in the movie 300… 3000? Whatever
I'm amused because I totally that telemarketer
I’m watching you!!!
I have been living out of my car for the past 6 months. I commute for about 10 hours each week Monday thru Friday. I study in it, eat in it, change my clothes while driving and eating in it… yeah crazy mad skills but really really messy. Add to that the smell of sour feet since Terick left the window upon and it got rained in… it needed a cleaning and it was well past due.
Everyone knows I'm an ocd neat freak. I will color coordinate your closet for shits and giggles if you'll let me. So driving my sour feet, crumb ridden, paper packed, dirty laundry bombed car was driving me insane. It got to the point I didn't even want to think about it. I would get in my car, try not to look at the back seat, turn on my raido and blast "It's Easier to Run"(told you I listen to bad music)
Terick offered to clean it but I didn't want to subject him to that… I didn't want to subject myself to it either so it just didn't get done.
But one night around 10:45 Terick comes outside to find me buried in the car throwing miscellaneous crap into the driveway while looking for my uncashed paycheck that I idiotically tossed into the black hole of my back seat. After he forcibly pulls me out I begin to kick the shit out of it while hurling choice profanities. Terick very calmly tells me that this won't help me find my check but I loudly disagreed. Turns our that lack of food and sleep can lead one to swan dive off the deep end. I only stopped after the neighbors turned on their floodlights. That or something I threw set them off.
So Sunday Terick (being the wonderful man that he is) cleans out my car. It was a complete surprise. He did an incredible job. I crawled in and curled into a ball and cried. I honestly cried. He so got laid that night. As I was saying… it was near flawless. It was a sight even the blind could appreciate… too bad I'm allergic to the cleaner he used.
The Omniverse, Universe, Cosmic all, Whateva in all its infinite glory and wisdom has decided to dish out this very special brand of "I fuck with you because I think its funny" quite liberally on me these past couple of weeks:
-My clock somehow springing ahead early
-stepping on a dead bird the cat brought me in my bare feet (after telling Terick I did not need to put on shoes to just step out onto the balcony)
-the dryer breaking down right as a client in due to come in and all the sheets are wet,
-losing my textbook right before the test
-catching every single red light when going anywhere (even Terick noticed this),
-ordering a box of blue pens and getting black instead
-almost getting side swiped on the freeway by San Jose City's Finest. Even though I was going 75 and had a headlight out it totally would have been his fault
-this ear infection thats been wagging it's nasty finger at me
-and a really strange craving for burritos and girl scout cookies that is ruining me.
I feel like that kid in Final Destination. You know after he figures out that death is out to get him and he's in some one room shack in the dark with all kind of crazy stings and stuff trying to outsmart death. I feel like that kid right now. So now I'm over preparing and obsessing about stuff because I feel like an unfortunate bastard in
a teen age horror flick. It's funny. I laugh not only because it stops me from crying but because it's funny.That's okay Omniverse… you're out to get my ass but thats okay because now...
So this newbie sales man comes in the office.
Lets call him Eric… he looked like an Eric.
He started asking me information about the company. I was in the go zone doing three zillon things at a time so I answered his questions on auto pilot. Besides he had a deep voice and he was nice to look at.
But then he started winking at me and I began to wonder if he really was a sales man and if he really wanted me to follow him outside or something.
It wasn't a quick witty "I'm the shit and I'm acknowledging you wink". You know… the kinda wink someone who is in total control of themselves or at least had several years experience in marketing and sales gives you. The wink that for an instance makes you feel as if you were extraordinary because someone as slick as a jar full of
First, because you feel all special or especially dirty and
Secondly because you are pissed as hell…
pissed, because you actually let your knees get a little weak for a person who is probably an obnoxious adulterous jack ass with the emotional depth of a teaspoon.
You suddenly realize you're not homely at all but you are pretty damn sure that that was sexual harassment or at least some inexcusable machismo diminutive gesture that you just let the greasy bastard get away with.
It wasn't that kind of a wink
It was worse
It was the wink of a total noob*. It lasted forever and I had to really fight against my better judgment to ask if he needed visine.
He said when he came back he would bring something special for me… a little treat. He then went on about how his company likes to give little things to show there appreciation like See's candy or those expensive ass cookies you find in the mall… Miss Felids or something.
WTF a little treat?!
Like my fat ass needs a damn cookie.
Did he offer me cookies because I am fat?
Probably not but fuck him anyway.
Honey the only reason I actually helped your ass was because I didn't have the energy to tell you to shove off. Please sugah do me a favor before you come back. Practice that wink in the mirror. Tell yourself what ever self affirmations you have to. Because if your going to do something so overtly chauvinist I wanna feel smutty about it for at least five full seconds. I wanna feel like grabbing your ass before I get the inclination to tell you to kiss mine.
Oh well See you tomorrow
Don't forget the cookies
is a slang term for a newcomer to online gaming or an Internet activity. It can also be used for any other activity in whose context a somewhat clueless newcomer could exist. It can have derogatory connotations(and in this case does), but is also often used for descriptive purposes only, without a value judgment.
One of my jobs is to pass out the paystubs for the entire continental company.
I spend nearly 35 mins sorting through them, mailing the ones that are out of state and alphabetizing the ones for people on site. In anticipation that they (about 200 people) get off of their asses and come pick up their check instead of wasting 41 cents and my precious time. Sometimes 1/3 of them put their best foot forward which means the other 2/3's deserve my best foot forward in their ass (I really hate wasting money... and time I could be using to write really smutty fan fiction)
Anyway I did the same thing with the W2 forms yesterday and lo and behold they descended like a flock of ravenous carrion birds upon my poor defenseless desk. Both phones are ringing, I'm signing in visitors and simultaneously correcting a last minute order with some one who has trouble speaking English while 25 people are bum rushing me screaming "Where da dollars at?! Show me the money!!! and Hurry up lady cause its time to get mine from the tax man!"
Why can't they be this excited about pay stubs!
I am seriously considering putting out a message that says. "Every time I use a stamp God kills a kitten"
But I'm sure this will piss of anyone who believes in God and/ or is a feline friendly. On the up side the atheist dog enthusiasts will love me. Maybe I can say this instead:
"Every time I use a stamp God kills a kitten...lol just kidding, but I will. Seriously, come get your damn check."
I have been trying to express these feelings in word. But I am meeting some unusual difficulty. I guess I am still trying to digest things.
But my overall feeling is similar to the way you may feel after having watched the video below
2:30 2nd break
(I start with day 2 because day 1 was full of boring ass videos)
After crying myself to sleep last night and having a dream about a wolf ripping my throat out and disemboweling me and my eyes being gouged out, I got up and came to work
It is my first full day behind the register.
At one point this really nice guy in a suit came in. Business type, super man smile, tall, dark, hair, tan, brown eyes, three packs of altoids. He smelled good and I wanted him to take me.
Not in a sexual kind of way. In a I want you to employee you , and employ you now kind of way.
I had day dreams of him all day. Coming in with a desk organizer kit wrapped in neutral muslin toned organza with a soft peach ribbon. Getting down on one knee and begging me to be his pencil pusher… again not in a sexual kind of way.
Is this how psych majors feel?
I'm so depressed.
7:15 1st break
Got to work at 5am today.
So over it. Still dislike it but no nearly as depressed as the first day
12:00 2nd break
I'm so depressed
10:00 1st break
I'm a goddess.
So I can take this
Learn from it
Change and survive.
I can adapt and then overcome
What am I getting from this? I am getting stronger. I am learning my worth, I am being healthy aside from not being able to eat lunch in this place because it is grody as fuck. At least the color has returned to my skin again, who knew I could get flushed. And with all the pain in my back and feet walking on stilettos will be nothing
"But you know you cant always see when you're right
You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you"
Damn soft rock Walgreen song
Is the divine trying to speak to me through Walgreen
Or at least improbable
I think im going crazy
I wish Terick would at least look for a job.
If I hear that "All I Am" song on more fucking time I will start running through the aisle screaming. Do you hear me Olivia Newton John…. You FUCKING SUCK I HATE YOU!!!!!
Who thinks of this shit… I mean who chooses this music…. Half the time it gives me hope of something better and then the other half of the time it makes me feel broken and defeated. Is this their plan. Is this how they keep us here. Are they breaking us through music?! Those sick twisted corporate bastards!!!!
I'm losing my mind here…. I have to start listening to my Mp3 player at lunch.
I have finally pin pointed this feeling… when I come in I go through what is commonly know as the five stages of grief
1. DENIAL --- It's not that bad… I mean people work jobs like this every day. They do it… so can I. I am really just blowing this situation out of proportion. I can do this. It is not that bad.
2. ANGER --- What the fuck!!! I hate this job. I hate this situation. My feet hurt, my head hurts. My soul is being sucked out of my fucking body!!!! If that woman doesn't stop paying with 1,000 pennies I am going to rip her head off and use that god awful wig as a tea cozy
3. BARGAINING --- Okay if I can just make it to lunch everything will be just fine. I mean after that its all good right. I'll be going down hill after that. Please please Goddess just let me get to lunch okay and then I'll be good I promise. I'll stop thinking about battering old ladies and plotting the over throw of the Walgreens music station okay… hello?... anybody listening?.
4. DEPRESSION --- "Oh God, what am I doing… this is it isn't it. my life… my ceiling. This is just what I deserve isn't it. I have been uppity, vain, arrogant and childish and this is my punishment, my lower level of Dante. Graduated top ten in my class I did, classically trained pianist, published author (short stories albeit), actress… all these gifts that I didn't use. This is my life now. Pushing this cart with these totes around, cleaning the grubby toilet, taking instructions from a person whose only proficiency is in being a complete incompetent imbecile. I'm a disgrace to my entire lineage… The slave, the freedom fighters, those who died so I can have a better life… I threw it all away. I need to take my 15 minute break so I can lock myself in the bathroom and cry…. Damn florescent lighting I look at least 10 years older and 10 years heavier… aye me!!!
5. ACCEPTANCE --- "Ok. This is it for now. It really is not what I am making it out to be. I just need to do my job the best I can while I look for another one. This is where I am right now but it is not who I am… no more than it is my co-workers. It is a means to an end. It is not the end… or the end of the world and I do not have to be so melodramatic. Okay Irene pull yourself together… deep breathe… and… oh look its time to clock out!!!!
Anyways…. I lasted about two more weeks before some personal things happened and I called it quits.
I have so much respect for the people who work those jobs at the stores and restaurants and janitor services. Sometimes… a lot of times we are all so rude to those people. We feel as if we can be mean or short tempered to a store clerk and still be good people. That's a shitty way to be. Shelves don't stock themselves, floors don't clean themselves, toilets aren't magically sanitized by a white gloved bathroom fairy in a tutu.
No matter how much I may want to believe in the bathroom fairy she simply does not exist.
It took doing something I really did not want to do to realize that I should be going after what I do want with total abandon. I am glad because some people are 40 before the come to this realization.
Before they realize that they are wonderful and worthy and that they owe it to themselves, their ancestors, their descendants, to be the best that they can be. Whether that means working as a sales associate or as a ceo. For me that means becoming, healthy, whole, an outstanding certified massage therapist, nationally celebrated published author, dominatrix, learning to speak Klingon and anything else that happens to catch my fancy.