missrenie: (Tree of Knowledge)

It's always sad when a hero dies.

But its heart wrenching when that hero "dies" to you... when you have to change how you see them or sever yourself from them in defense.

I'm angry because it did not have to be this way.

There are alot of things I did wrong partially because I have never had to deal with such an exhausting personality so closely. But even with my lack of experience the only thing I can honestly apologize for it holding you up to those hero standards. You didn't ask to be my hero its something that kinda happened. It was unfair of me to think of you as such.  You have made me stronger and you've shown me how to confront on the battle field of life.  I'm not sure that lesson would have reached me if you did not have the capacity to be such a bully. 

In the near future when I am not so angry, injured or indignant I will tell you that you lack the compassion you expect to receive from others, that you lack the respect you demand from others and that once you attained your future would be limitless for this is the key to your success.  In my dream world you would listen and hear and change and go on to touch the world in the same positive way in which you have changed and touched mine.

I'm not doing this for you, for your acceptance, for your love, for your respect although I know I was at one point.  I would have loved to have these things that I had so readily given over to you.   Now I am in it for the mission, the cause, the right reasons.

So here's to you!!

You're brilliant and talented full of charisma and inspiration.  You were my hero but you killed that by continually being such a flaming bitch.  To be completely melodramatic you're some weird hybrid of Jesus and Judas both...I'm thankful even for that. 

You've shown me that heroes are painfully human.
You've shown me that I can be one too. 
You've shown me that I can and should be my own.

missrenie: (Default)
 It fucking pours

I really hate that expression.  It sounds so pessitimitic.  I want to punch the people in the throat that use it.  But since I already feel like I have been punched in the throat I'm  totally gonna use it.

I wake up bleeding from my vagina.  Since I have not had a natural period in ten years my first thought is "Holy shit I didn't play that hard at the dungeon did I?!"  I force myself to calm down because I have to get to work.  And I heal quickly anyways sooo by Sunday I should be fine.

I spend the first part of Sunday curled up into a ball because it feels like some sadistic bastard grabbed my uterus and started squeezing maybe I did play to hard!!! I call my playmate and ask her if she noticed anything funny on Friday.  To which she said no and asked if I was having my period.  At this point I am embarrassed.  Bleeding profusely, cramps, head aches, motion sickness, craving: red meat, chocolate, sex, the mass slaughter of those found guilty of being stupid...duh!

"Was it always like this?" I moan over the phone.  The answer is yes.

Aside from losing so much blood that I am simultaneously fascinated and horrified I  develop general malaise and laryngitis just in time for public speaking. Instead of being down about all these schenaigains I'm pissed.   I'm raising my fist in defiance at a sadistic Matronly Mother Goddess screaming "How could You!?  This is one of the grooviest things I've gotten to do in my life.  Speaking as  part of a panel regarding Healthcare in the GLBTQ community.  I thought You liked us!!!"  

She must have found my  ranting hilarious because the bleeding reached level ridiculous.... by 3pm  I'd lost so much blood that I feel faint. On my way home from work I make a desperate phone call to Terick who comes over to find me half dead and half dressed on the floor of my room.  He gets me dressed, hydrated, out the door, to my destination and back home again with zero super dickery and tons of compassion.

"You're a good man" I say as he tucks me in
"You're opinion will change when you're better"  He assures me
"Fuck you... if I say you are a good man then I mean it you bastard"
"There's the Irene we all know and love"  he kisses my forehead with practiced condescension while I make a feeble attempt at smacking him but I'm weak and tucked in far too well to do so.  So I hiss instead and fall right off to sleep.

14 hours later I wake up
go to work
go back to sleep for 4 hours at work
work for 3
go home
go back to sleep

Its Wednesday I've figured out why I get the laryngitis.  I'm a mouth breather with sever allergies and the immune system of a decrepit old woman in a dark and dingy cell.   The solution: keep my fucking mouth closed when around allergens like pollen and cats and buy a humidifier.    Waaaay  harder than it sounds trust me.... the keeping my mouth closed bit.

The blood loss seems to be tapering off so my energy level has picked up
and I no longer want to eat dead cows
or strangle two year olds
or the stupid which is especially significant and noteworthy since I'm headed to Reno to dance at a club opening this Saturday.

wish me luck ;)


Oct. 16th, 2009 03:08 pm
missrenie: (Default)
What follows below was written by a dear friend of mine.  She is nice-n- spicy, beautiful and brilliant.  She is the main supporter of her family which consists of her mother, brother and adopted children.  She is a home owner, She is a warrior for women in need.  She is powerful.

She is 28
She is black
She is single
She is doing it alone

She suffers from CCSWS
and I do too.

I am in recovery
and I think she is too.

I know she is gonna read this intro.  I hope she does.  I hope she knows how fucking amazing she is.  I hope she knows how much I love her even if our contact is here or there, every so often at best.  I hope she knows that she is worthy ever so worthy of her receiving all of her needs and desires.

Curvy Girl Testimonies Presents: CCSWS (Cool Chick Superwoman Syndrome) Vol 1
This volume was inspired by life experiences from friends, family and me. The name and events have been changed to protect the innocent. At least I think so…

I know it’s been a few weeks since you been gone but you crossed my mind today. I never thanked you for that weekend we spend together. I know you are seating there reading this saying to yourself, “Why is she thanking me?” Allow me to explain.

Well, for women such as myself who suffer from the “Cool Chick Superwoman Syndrome” it’s not easy for us. There are two parts to this sickness, the first part is we are the chicks that you can call on a whim and take them out to dinner, movie, club or a sporting event and have a good time. At the end of the evening, if sex is required, you are guaranteed it’s going to be good. Not just good, mind blowing sex! You don’t have to call us much and you can treat our emotions and feeling any kind of way. We will be alright with this, because we are the “cool chick.” The second part of this sickness is we take care of everything and everybody with no regard to ourselves. Due to the lack of real men and women, an especially man in this world the weight is placed on your shoulders. I try to avoid getting this disease but to no avail I caught it.

So, now I go around the world being Captain Save a Ho and being used and abused. So what does all this got to do with you and that weekend. Well, this was the first time in a long time that I was treated right. From the chivalry acts right down to you holding me after our “workout” on both beds, it was perfect. I never met a man that totally connected to me physical and emotional in such a short time. Few have tried and none have been successful. I simply want you to hear me out and understand where I’m coming from. I take things for what they are at that moment in time. It was just that weekend and its nothing more or nothing less. I know where I stand; I know my place very well. So, I’m not making a mountain out of a molehill. I’m not going to find a job in your area, move up there with you and live happily ever after. I leave fairytales and nursery rhymes to Mother Goose.

As the CCSW Syndrome patient, you really don’t understand how life works for some of us. We are not the chicks that get called because you want to hear the smile in their voice. We are not the chicks that you plan special weekend getaways just because she needed a weekend to relax. We are not the chicks you send flowers to just because. We are not the chicks who you look at when we are sleep to see how peaceful and beautiful we look. We are not the chicks that you call beautiful or pretty even though we might be, we are just sexy and hot. We are not the the chicks that meet your family or friends. We are not the chicks that you keep a picture of them in the phone just to see our faces. We are not the chicks you wonder if we got home safely if we leave late. We are not the chicks you start saving money for the ring to put on her finger.

We are the chicks you remember when you are bored or horny. We are the chicks you know we like you more than a friend but you want to us to date anyone else but you can or have a wife or girlfriend. We are the chicks that you only call during the hours of 9pm-2am. We are the chicks that you keep around until you find “the one” but we met the requirements.

There are treatment plans such as prayer, self esteem building, support circle of friends and family. Currently researchers are searching for a cure, preliminary results conclude that a real man that is open and honest about what he wants from her. In addition, a man who recognize what he has infront of him instead of searching for something they are not even qualified to receive.

Researcher will release more information when it becomes available.
missrenie: (Default)

Me::      bad bad Renie

flirting with coworkers

I should be spanked


Pink:      don't tell me - tell Mister


Me::      haha you're right

that WILL get me a spanking!!!


Pink:      see, now aren't you glad I've never met him?

I would tattle...all. the. time.


Me:        omgeeeeeee can you?!


Pink:      *snort*

missrenie: (Default)



It slipped let me push it back in she says


And for a moment I think that she is going to reach down and do it right there in the booth.


Ahhh can we wait until we are outside?


Why… are you afraid that you are going to cry like a baby inside the restaurant?


This is a question I don’t feel the need to reply to since we both know the answer.  Once outside she takes my ear pulls down on the lobe and without pause or panic proceeds to firmly push the metal through the tiny hole until it can’t go anymore.  All I can think is. this is the ear that isn’t sensitive.  All I can say is… scream is  Argggggggggggggggggh!!!!


Quit whining you’re fine, you’re fine. 

She starts in on the other ear (the sensitive one) with just as much kindness.  This time I’m able to speak somewhat normally.  At least this hurts less than the biopsy of my cervix.


I’m not sure if she heard me.

But what she said next struck me.   You wanted this, you’ll just have to suffer through, we suffer for the things that we want. 


And I know she said it light heartedly but it’s true.  The change that I have created in my life has been a painful process but well worth it.  My mind, my body, my limitations, my beliefs have all stretched a bit and it has been uncomfortable but well worth it.


There you’re done she says after a few seconds.

I turn around and hug her with a weak thank you and an even frailer but honest I love you.


She laughs as she walks to her car.  “See you’re fine…Don’t be such a pussy or I won’t do your tattoos.”



That’s Dre

She is friend and sister.  She’ll tell me congratulations just as easily as she’ll tell me that I’m screwing up.  She’ll let me cry and bitch and moan for a bit before she asks me what I’m gonna do about it and then check up to make sure that I am doing something about it.


She believes in being her sister’s keeper… she is creative and compassionate (when she’s not gauging your ear).  And she has been by my side.  During this last year and these last six months for the best of it and the worst of it.  Telling me that I am fine though all the stretching and the pussying out and encouraging me to move forward, move fearlessly, move beyond.


And I love her for it.


Thanks Dre
from the bottom of my heart to the holes in my ears... thank you.


missrenie: (Default)

 neil:  it seems to me that you are dating a guy who can't turn it off

 me:  "turn it off?"

 neil:  when he met you the thing that really turned you on about him was his dominance
and now he is acting that way all the time
he can't leave it at the dungeon
but at the same time
you have not told him he needs to leave it at the dungeon
so he has no idea that he is pissing you off
and tits

me:  lol
you're right
when I see him tonight we will talk about this
that makes sense

neil:  coolio
I now everything about relationships

me:  except how to spell know...you gave me a really good view point.  He is acting dominate that is part of what I fell for and how can I be upset with him for displaying a trait that I found attractive and a part of him.
He's acting like a pitbull because he is one and he doesn't know how I feel because I have not told him
we both have our own viewpoints of what a relationship is
My viewpoint is meeting these people great!  But if you're going to sleep with them I want to meet them too other than that have fun
his view point is totally not that
but I think he is trying
and he is putting forth great effort
I mean the first time I had a date was AWFUL for us both
so he is getting better we just have to communicate
 neil:  Well just make sure you don't compromise what you want or who you are for this relationship which (lets be honest) already has a roof over it.
not to say that you shouldn't persue it
but you have already been in one relationship where you have tried to change yourself to what he needs
so that is a learned behavior that you have
that you are tryin to unlearn

me:  yeah it is
I was typing before... about to say that I have a handle on that
but I realize that I don't
I really want to please and sometimes in doing so I am not true to myself
I will be aware of this :)
thanks Neil :)
Tea Time!!!
neil:  have fun
wait a minute...
I can't trust that you actually agree with me because maybe your just trying to be change yourself to be what I want you to be!!
which is a girl that always agrees with me
I can never trust anything you say again!

me:  um wow

I think I have to break up with you as friends

me:  you know your right I know I'll make a point of disagreeing with you about everything
it is the only way to save our friendship
I'm willing to do this for that!
neil:  but what if thats what I want you to do to save this friendship?
theres no right answer
I think we need to suicide
me:  your right that is the answer to all of our problems
I disagree
I think

neil:  don't tempt me!  I got the gun in my hand!



Mar. 11th, 2009 03:35 pm
missrenie: (Default)


1. affected with madness or insanity; "a man who had gone mad" [syn: brainsick]
2. foolish; totally unsound; "a crazy scheme"; "half-baked ideas"; "a screwball proposal without a prayer of working"

Slang. an unpredictable, nonconforming person; oddball: a house full of crazies who wear weird clothes and come in at all hours.....



“I’m not crazy I’m just not your kind of crazy.”   I say as I purposely begin to sort the skittles into little groups.

“You’re fucking nut’s little girl you should just accept it” He says purposely putting a green one next to a red one… I can feel my left eye twitch a little.

“I’m on a self imposed holiday. I’m not currently fucking anyone… this is probably why I’ve gained ten pounds”

“Lack of sex doesn’t make you fat trust me I’d be Marlon Brando if that were the case.  Don Juan Brando not Street Car Named Desire Brando"

“True, but it makes me crave chocolate and b.o.b. just isn’t what he used to be.  I think I have finally managed to numb out my clit.  I am abstaining until I am sensitive again”

“Just in time for Lent”

“Bite me.”

“You Catholics are all about pain”

“I’m a full recovered ex-Catholic thank you.  I’m Pagan!”

“Once a Catholic always a Catholic this is probably why you’re fucking nuts.”

At this point I blessed with enough clarity to see that I am seriously involved in a semi-circular, completely futile argument regarding my sanity with someone I consider to be utterly unsound… this is something only an insane person would do. 


We debate the topic happily for over half an hour.
missrenie: (Default)

A tiny woman on a tiny stage is singing
Her voice stronger and more powerful than her stature suggests pours out of her and into everyone there

Into me
it pushes
pushes to the surface the disturbing things, the dirty things, the deep dark things that creep in the shadows and silent spaces, things once swept into crevices and corners… forgotten like an elementary school year book collecting dust in an old unopened room.

She releases it, this unrealized pain.  She feeds it this denied flame.  She articulates it this ignored longing for a life that is for more. 

She absolves sins with the admissions of her own. Each song, each verse, each tone sweeps me away to a tiny island where a tiny woman on a tiny stage casts her voice like a net over my soul.  And pulls it from me like cellophane from a
movie reel unraveling it until it becomes something straight and comprehensible, understandable and forgivable. 

The story of her life,

the story of my life,

the story of the couple at the table in front of me 

I realize how alike we all really are.

She pauses.        She talks about life and she says that she felt that she would feel more like an adult by know but she doesn’t and she doesn’t think she ever will and that’s okay because the best beginning in an open ending, things are never really finished just changing and my being agrees with this woman who is gently undoing us as she herself was undone. 

The last painfully poignant organic chord echoes off into silence she smiles, brilliantly.  It’s a reminder that at the middle of each dark night, at the middle of every dark hallway there is hope for metamorphosis at its end.

It’s a reminder that I did not know I was so desperate for.
Thank you Tina
missrenie: (Default)
Stop hatin on me
it's really starting to piss me off

yeah its hard to lose weight
yeah its hard to pay bills
yeah its hard to be alone

its been eaiser for me to lose weight cause... well I fucking exercise and I eat most my meals raw and green.  
its been easier for me to pay bills cause... well I work two fucking jobs
its been easier for me to be alone because instead of sitting in my house I find shit to do. 

No i'm not starving myself
No i'm not working myself to death
No i'm not whoring myself out

I eat healthier
I enjoy my jobs
I think people like me cause unlike you I don't bitch

When they tell me good news I am happy for them
I don't say
-I found the fat you lost... its on my ass
-I'd be rich too if I were killing myself
-guys like you cause you obviously can't keep your legs closed and well everyone likes fat black women...

Honestly the more I think about the shit you say to me the more I think this friendship isn't gonna work.
Can't you just be happy that i'm happy and getting healthy?
I'm trying to lift you up with me but you're too busy trying to drag me down

I say good morning
you say fuck mornings

I say good luck
you say my luck is fuck awful

I say you can do it
you say I don't understand

I say you can do it cause I am doing it.
I didn't get this life handed to me
I work my ass off for it
and I am about to tell you to kiss it.
cause you're so toxic

so damn toxic
that you're making me sick

and I can't afford to get sick
not now
not for anyone
not anymore

I want to be your friend
I want to support you
I want to be there for you
but  I can't if you won't do something
and damn...... pleeeeeeeeeease
quit yer  bitchin
missrenie: (Default)
One of my friends is keeping a sexual harassment log. The office perv has set his 58 year old, married with children sights on her. My advice was as follows:

Your normal office pervs are fun to screw with... mentally. Ask about his wife when he asks about going to "lunch" if he tells you about how they are having trouble and he feels trapped start to tell him that you know exactly what he means:

"Like in that movie Brokeback Mountain. The main character felt trapped too but if you just come out and tell your wife you're gay then things will eventually get better. "

If he tries to refute his homosexuality. Nod sympathetically but lace it with condescending undertones. Let him know that he should not be ashamed of himself. That the truth will set him free.

If he counters this by redoubling his efforts to get into your pants.

a: Invite him out to lunch and have one of your actual gay friends "drop by" introduce them, sit back and enjoy the show.
b:Invite him out to lunch and have one of your girlfriends come by.

I did this once for one of my friends. I dressed in my best bitch-fit and strolled into the restaurant and gave her a big kiss before sitting down. The guy was flabbergasted. Once recovered he tried to hint at the whole I'm into lesbian thing but I made it quite clear that my dick was bigger than his.

Anyway be creative. Have fun with it. And remember if you need me to I can come grab your ass and stick my tongue down your throat because that's what friends are for.
missrenie: (Default)

I think my friend is insane I really do.  If you don’t have time to read the whole conversation just skip to the highlighted sections



Me: i totally got Vitamin D all over my body now I feel high

Dramatized: I'm very angry

Dramatized: there was a video on youtube of a US soldier throwing a puppy over a cliff

Me: hmmm

Dramatized: youtube pulled the video so I can't see if it's real or not

Dramatized: but I'm angry all the same

Me: that someone posted it

Dramatized: that it could potentially be real

Me: http://my.break.com/content/view.aspx?ContentID=463231

Me: it is

Dramatized: WHAT

Dramatized: I can't watch it

Me: I just did

Me: it's real

Dramatized: how could they?

Dramatized: omg

Dramatized: omg

Dramatized: how could they

Me: the soliders are under considerable mental stress they are in a constant state of shock from the violence

Dramatized: I don't care

Me: judgement is horrible

Me: I care

Dramatized: you don't do that

Dramatized: period

Me: think of what they do when they get home

Dramatized: you are there to protect the innocent

Dramatized: you do NOT throw a fucking dog off a cliff

Dramatized: I have been through trauma

Me: true but don't just be mad at the solider be mad at the system that sent him there

Dramatized: I have never thrown a dog off a cliff

Me: true but they have killed and been shot at... seen friends die in horrible ways

Me: ordered to kill children on sight

Me: seen the results of shock and awe

Dramatized: that is just one sick mother fucker and he better NEVER step foot on US soil again because I will fucking find him and make him pay for every tiny fuzzy hair

Dramatized: this video needs to be shown on tv

Dramatized: everyone needs to know what is really going on over there

Dramatized: this is uncalled for

Dramatized: I am very angry

Dramatized: beyond words atm

Me: that was a puppy and true it is sick I am angry too but we are doing far worse to the people 1 puppy and 650000 people

Me: we bombed the shit out of civilians and left everyone else to die

Dramatized: this is going to sound very selfish and I don't care

Dramatized: but the humans have cognitive thought - if there is a war - fucking leave

Dramatized: it's a pretty simple concept

Dramatized: don't stay in a war zone and you won't get killed

Me: we didn't give them that option we just bombed them.    It like some saying we are going to bomb the state of New York…you have twelve hours to evacuate.  Rules:  you can’t use the roads, you have no power supply, you can’t take anything with you.  Go!!!

Me: you can't evacuate a state in 12 hours

Me: many more died because there was no power or food or medicine for them if they did get out

Me: I am angry about the puppy I truly am

Me: but I am angry for the people to

Me: for a government that did that to them and is doing that to our soldiers as well

Dramatized: the soldiers have been court marshaled

Me: good

Dramatized: and are in Hawaii

Dramatized: care to go on a little vacation?

Me: hope they get dishonorable discharge

Dramatized: there is a nice volcano nearby

Me: nope they are not important what they did is a sign of illness

Dramatized: they should be more than discharged

Me: they are disk

Me: *sick

Dramatized: they should have been in jail

Dramatized: they should be shot in the groin and left to die in the desert

Me: lol our government should be in jail, short in the groin and left to die in the desert

Dramatized: they do NOT deserve to life

Me: have you seen those picture the pictures and videos of the people

Me: innocent people

Me: it makes me so angry

Me: the world hates us

Me: this puppy thing does not help at all

Dramatized: I hate us

Dramatized: I have a lot of hate right now

Me: lol

Me: not including your ipod list?

Dramatized: oh don't even get me started on that


Then she left to blog the puppy incident (see below)…. while I was busy blogging her.

Thursday, June 12, 2008


Current mood: enraged

A bulletin posted by my friend

Come on people!  This just breaks my heart .......


This angers me so, and even though I would love to do this to the gentleman to whom thought it was funny it would not be right .... He needs to be made to suffer in another manner.

Please pass this on to as many folks as you can, as Animal Cruelty is so common and needs to be stopped.

Thank you,

PS.  I have to say I am rather shocked to see this from someone protecting our country!


Please - if you read this, pass it on. The more people who see it, the louder the cry to stop animal abuse will become until the government can no longer turn a deaf ear or a blind eye.








**But only for the puppies I guess


missrenie: (Default)
I have been trying to keep in control of things.
Because so much is happening.
I figure that if I keep everything under control then I would be alright
I was doing fine until I got hit by kryptonite.
Everyone has kryptonite I think. Some person place or thing that makes them stop. Sometime it is always the same thing and sometime it changes.

For me, this time, it was a song.
It made me stop…and cry.

Recently things seem to be happening so quickly that I barely have time to breathe. When I look up the week is gone it's Sunday and I am barely prepared to venture into the next seven day cycle. I feel like I am spinning and whirling out of control. Like being on that one thing at the playground that mama never let you go on, I can not remember the name of it and I have not seen one in eons. Probably because they are so damn dangerous :). I had a friend that would bug me and pester me until I went on it with her. There was a trick to this thing. It took at least two to three people to get it going fast enough. If you didn't get it going fast enough you would have a short and crappy ride once you hopped on. If you got it going too fast you could get knocked to the ground before you even got on it. We would grab the outer bars and run faster and faster picking up speed and right before our legs fell from under us we would hop on. I remember I would curl up and clamp my eyes shut…trying not to scream in terror as the world spun out of control. And she was like a bird… a wild black exotic thing. Her legs wrapped around the iron bars, her head tossed back in defiance, her left arm going up and out skimming the wet hot air… and she screamed and screamed and laughed. When it came to a stop I would wobble off and she would roll off… begging me to go again. Her eyes shining with tears from the wind.

I am on that ride right now and everything is blurring by… woosh woosh woosh. I have been trying to clamp my eyes shut. I have been trying not to scream. But that is silly. I should handle this like her. Find my center, ground, then open my eyes, shout, scream, laugh, cry, be breathless. And be thankful.

Thankful because I could never have gotten this thing started by myself
Thankful that I am not riding this thing on my own
And although the world seems to be rushing by
Life rushing by
I am still standing
Rooted and Flying at the same time
Enjoying the ride
missrenie: (Default)

Something was said to me
and I can not get it out of my head:
_____That's okay life is shit for everyone right now
me: No it's not
_____Life is shit for everybody
me: Not for Terick and I... life is not shit for everyone
_____Yes it is, you can shine or shalack it But it's still shit.

And _____ stared at me as if challenging me. And _____ was. Because my view on life directly challenged _____'s. For _____life is shit and _____expects it to be. I'm not sure _____wants it to be. But _____ expects it to be. For me to say that it was not means that _____is wrong and has been wrong. It attacks one of _____'s strongest core beliefs. It attacks _____. All this time I thought I was helping _____by being honest about my opinions, by demanding to know why _____ lets people treat _____like crap, why _____ allows it, telling _____that _____deserves better... I began to show by example. I began being positive, open, exercising, eating right (most of the time anyway) and even when life gave me shit I used it as fertilizer for my garden.

I saw _____ clearly and for the first time after that. And what I saw made me so sad. Because that was me a year or so ago. And I really don't have enough energy to go where _____ is back into the realm of dark self fulfilling prophesies. I'm not willing to go to hell for _____ . And that is where I am selfish and where I have been selfish for the past few month. I just don't have the energy. But I have learned from this. And I choose to take that with me... instead of the hurt.

Maybe nothing I could do would have saved the relationship because we are so different now.
_____is used to being unhappy. Used to life being the smell, the feel , the consistency of shit.
I am used to being happy. I finally got used to the smell, the feel, the touch of heaven
I hope
one day
______will be too.


Jun. 2nd, 2006 10:54 pm
missrenie: (Default)


I grew up in a place with no hills
So when I moved to Colorado I was impressed.

To me the rises and drops in elevation in the suburban neighborhood I lived in were hills. The actual hills were mountains and the mountains were this monstrous thing looming in the distance like some perfectly color adjusted windows 98 wallpaper. I eventually got used to them... hills I mean.... could never quite wrap my mind around the mountain.
But the more I thought about it I recalled that we had two hills in New Orleans. Monkey Hill in the Zoo and a smaller on in the park. Both were more mounds than hill. I only know that now. Any other hill was a functional hill. Like the levees. One sloped side pushing against the Mississippi or the Lake the other side drowning in it.

My brother and I loved Monkey Hill... mostly from a far. Mother rarely permitted us to climb it for 2 reasons. First she was always fearful that we would snap a bone or hurt ourselves in a way that was beyond her repair. We lacked the little plastic white cards other mothers carried around in their purses with their children's names marked on them in 12 inch Arial font. Insurance... again something I never understand until recently. The second reason was rooted in past and personal pride. My mother grew up in the dying yet still effective arms of Jim Crow. She found it an undignified abasement to allow her children to frolic, roll, climb, jump or even step on anything named "Monkey" Hill. To her they might as well had called it "Nigger Hill"

Once or twice I went to the Zoo with my school but being a Roman Catholic southern institution girls were not allowed to wear pants at least not before I hit sixth grade. And my mother in a determine attempt to make a lady out of me did not allow me to wear biker shorts under my pleated checkered heavily starched skirt. Only white, nude or black slips with a half inch of trim. So rolling down the hill with my classmates was out of the question... not that I liked them anyway.

The only other "hill" was in City Park. The memories of it are very very fond. One day during my senior year after school when I did not have to go to the college campus for classes and was feeling appropriately defiant enough to disregard my band teacher's comical threats of what would happen if I missed another after school session, we piled into one of my friend's white 96 Toyota Corolla station wagon and headed to City Park. We stopped at a little delicious Chinese place for crab ragoon before offering our devoted patronage to the drive through Daquiri shop. Once we were fed and slightly tweaked we cranked up the music and finished our journey to the park. I always loved City Park. The beautiful magnolia trees lined the entrance like a majestic court and the crickets competed with the local chorus of green breasted mallards on the lake...and on and on and on.

We drove three- fourths of a mile into the park, around the museum and headed out. I was disappointed that we were leaving so soon and a bit confused. The driver of the car stopped dead center of the road. "Alright yall know the drill". I got knocked in the head by the saddle oxford covered foot of the girl who sat in the middle as she climbed into the back of the station wagon.
"What the hell" I whispered a bit embarrassed to ask the four other people in the car what was going on. I was ignored.
"You gonna have to pull further back to get enough speed," The other girl in the front seat suggested
"No I don't"
"Yes you do"
"Get more speed?"
"No I don't"
"Yes you do"

At that point the girl in the trunk put her face next to mine and said
"You might wanna buckle up I-re-nay but its more fun if you don't... here hold my drink" The girl I shared the seat with had just planted her feet firmly down and wrapped her hands around the metal part of the driver's headrest and locked her arms.

"Buckle up?" I asked as I took the cup from the girl in back.
She didn't get a chance to explain before the driver pressed down on the ignition so fast that the wheels squeaked and rubber burned. She was thrown back against the window like a rag doll all the while screaming "Hellz yeah... bring it on!!!!" I turned my attention to the front window of the car to see just what the hell was going on.

"Blessed Virgin at the cross!!!!!!!!" I screamed when I saw that we were speeding towards the one hill in City Park. I tried to get on my seat belt but it was hard to do with my hands full. For a brief second I thought about opening the door with my elbow and tucking and rolling. But I wasn't sure if that would hurt more. The only other thing going through my mind was how my mother was going to beat my ass down after I got outta the hospital because of the enormous bill she was going to have to pay on account of me not having any health insurance.

Now although no self respecting southern person of color would dare to watch Dukes of Hazard I had myself witnessed the opening credits of the hooting and hollering good ole boy show and by that small snippet I can say with greatest confidence that the "General Lee" had nothing on that four door family class vehicle. When we crested that rounded breast of earth and concrete we left the ground and hit the heavens. I was weightless rising in my seat until my head came in contact with the roof of the car. And for a brief eternity time squeezed breath out of her lungs slowly just for us.

That car landed and skidded to a halt shaken, stirred and filled with five girls each with sore heads, bruised shins, rapidly racing hearts and sides sore from laughter. The next time I got to sit in back.

So when I moved to Colorado and saw hills for the first time I was indeed impressed but I always thought mine was better.

missrenie: (Default)

One of my wonderful friends wrote this in their blog:

Stupid shit

Got bored and took one of those silly ass online quizzes.

Dating Strengths
1. Sense of Humor - 71.4
2. Financial Situation - 69.2
3. Adventurousness - 58.3
4. Intelligence - 57.1
5. Confidence - 55.6

Dating Weaknesses
1. Selfishness - 63.6
2. Appearance - 55.6
3. Shyness - 50
4. Lack of Essentials - 50

Omg! Too fuckin' hilarious. I'm SELFISH, slobby, shy, and po'!!! That's so me! Here is the explanation for how I'm supposedly selfish:

"Selfishness - You think too much of yourself and your needs. You must learn to put your partner first and tend to his needs."

HELL NO! FUCK his needs. This quiz must've been written by Dr. Laura (whatever the hell her last name is). Hahaha!

My Comment to this was a follows

You do know that it is women like you who are ruining the relationships of America...

1. Don't you know that his needs come first as the provider the hunter.. it is written into his genetic coding to be a barbaric cave man and we as women should accept this by

- letting them club us over the head and have their way with us

-spend 1 hour shopping and at least two hours cooking at every day in order to have a nice hot meal prepared for him, as well as a six pack of his favorite alcholic beverage when needed not to mention his slippers ready when he comes home

-dont bother him with your problems when he gets home from work... your are no where near as important as he is. Remember you are just a female an Eve to his Adam... an extension of himself... a bit of spare bone from under his rib and nothing more... without male female would not exist so take solace in knowing that you are pleasing HIM

2. Part of pleasing your male is your appearance... a woman is not allowed to be "slobby" or "sloppy" we are the trophies of our men... we are their objects. So keep yourself nice and shiny

-make your body fit His needs... If youre too large- diet... Atkins has some wonderful menu items Sure your heart will suffer and give out but remember as a women your job and greatest good is to please him. When all else fails vomit... you dont need that lineing in your throat anyway

-Skin Care

if your too dark there are several semi-safe skin bleaches that you could use to lighten the problem areas of your face, arms and legs, torso and upper chest.

if you are too light TAN dont worry about cancer i've heard it is a wonderful aid in supressing your hunger


remember to shave at least three times a week... you might want to take care of the vaginal area too men seem to like the illusion of youth and he'll know you took that extra step to please him... Besides if you shave often enough you wont have to worry about the painful ingrown hairs coming back and dont worry about the painful contact with his body hair during sex remember he is worth it!!!! .... promise to dedicate 15 to 30 extra minutes everyday to making sure your entire body is nice and smooth for him

-Hair care

every man like to run his fingers through his woman's hair and you should be no exception... comb that hair ladies!and if you have coarse hair be sure to get a relaxer as often as possible if your hair is stubborn old fashion lye will do the trick as well watch for chemical burns from both of these fantastic options ... Its not the pain from the scabs you should be worried about but his displeasure if he happens to run across one


dont be afraid to be sexy... where pantyhose every day to give your legs that smooth look

high heels as well to slim your calves and lift the buttock( the leg cramps and shortening of the calf muscles are worth it)

Dont dont dont let any rolls show... help yourself with body shapers... the more confining the better. Sure your bodiace may be tight enough to make you faint, and give your trouble breathing, thinking, digesting, and functioning but he will just take your passing out as a sign that you are so in awe of him

And dont worry about things you can not fix... there is sugery for everything!!!!! If you dont have the money you can always whore yourself out... trust me it is WORTH IT

PS. dont skimp out on the breast no matter how big they are you can always use more

please see a wonderful and educationalshow called The Swan regarding this little hint

3.Dont be shy

Tell him what is on your mind... as long as it is how much you love him and think that he is the best person in the world, Dont be afraid to tell him that he is the center of your universe and that you dont mind sharing him with other women Dont be shy about your desire for his happiness

4. Essentials, essentials, essentials

Redbook, Cosmo are just a few of the GREAT publications choices out there for women... they can fill you in on all the essentials

like how to please your man

how to make your man happy

how to meet your mans needs

how to look pretty for your man

how to please your man in bed

how to give your man what he needs before he know he needs it

how to turn that pesky independence into dependence, shake that sinful selfishness into selflessness and make your breast perky in seven days or less!!!!!

And always remember to be sincere

if you follow these simple steps we will assuredly lure men into a foolish state of self centered importance... they will become slothful and comfortable... defenseless

then in one swift, organized, and calculated movement we shall uprise

we shall have the upper hand on the cajoled fools and make them our slaves!!!!!!

and women shall rule the world.

- Irene


Mar. 2nd, 2006 12:37 pm
missrenie: (Default)


kris: I'm going to invent a gel-touch keyboard for people who have to do alot of data entry cause my fingers are sore and I barely started
Me: there are gel touch keyboards
kris: damn
Me: im going to invent a self spelling correcter keyboard
Me: that you can train
Me: so you never need to learn how to spell
kris: they have software called T9 that does that
Me: shit
kris : lol
Me: :)
kris : I have it on my phone
Me: really... a spell checker on your phone
Me: wait
Me: phones come with spell checkers
Me: but you dont use complete words when tex messaging a phone do you
Me: I mean really
Me: are you messing with my head
Me: you know how easy that is
Me: help the walls are closing in
Me: Im still to embarrased to ask about land sharks
Me: hey hello
Me: im freaking out here
Me: ...
Me: its getting dark
Me: ...
Me: walls closing in
Me: ...
Me: reality warping
kris : what the hell is wrong with you
kris : T9 is a software installed on my phone for text messaging
kris : don't make me come all the way downtown to slap some sense into you
kris : it's Thursday
kris : we're almost there



missrenie: (Default)

I'm getting married?
I thought to myself as Kristen lowered the layers of white silk and brocade over my head as I kneeled on the dressing room floor. The thought burned down my throat like a shot of whiskey and became warm in my stomach. Although I have been engaged for the past five years to the man I consider my soul mate or at least my annoying other half. The reality of it has never really hit me that hard before now.
Yes I am getting married. I thought more confidently as she zipped up the back of the dress that was pleasantly too large and helped me into the over dress. I would not even be in here if she had not brought me in. But that’s why I love Kris. She has an active interest. I on the other hand would have just day dreamed about the dress and been very suprized that it had not managed to materialize out of thin air an hour before the wedding in perfect condition, color, and cut.
Every time I crack the wedding book to look in it I either close it shut again of ask Terick for his opinion that very nearly always causes me to shout. "You're not interested in our special day!" and fluster me enough to put me off trying to decided venues and decor' . I could say that my sub conscious does not want me to get married but that would be so wrong... I am just consciously lazy.
I tiptoed out of the dressing room and onto the platform... bitching and moaning about the back of the dress until Kris straightened it and smoothed it flat behind me. So that was what it was supposed to look like. As soon as the sales lady backed the hell off Kris asked me a whole bunch of things about the dress. I thought it was perfect... well a bit too large the sleeves were too short, there is no way I am getting married in white... we can toss the veil because I will have a long mane of loces by then and I want them noticed, its several layers too thick, the fabric is hot and too expensive and too dressy and too stark white, the over dress is itchy but the cut of it is nice along with the back of the dress... yeah maybe the over dress could have a hood with wire so that is stands up a bit... and I want more cleavage to show for sure!
Did I mention that I love Kris. She simply nodded made tasteful suggestions gently brushing aside my less tasteful ones in the kinda tone that made me want to trust her opinion instead of stomping my foot and saying "its my wedding and ill cry if I want too dye if I want to look like an 80's explosion if I want to...." So now I have to work on sketches to give her mother who is very trusted and very dear and very much like my own birth mother... I’m a little scared of her too ;) and she happens to be a wiz with a sewing machine.
As Kris and I chatted excitedly about the bridesmaids dresses on our way to getting something to eat... because trying on dresses is hungry work even if it was just two of them. We managed to steer over to the health choice option. I smiled up at her over my bowl of chicken soup bursting with sisterly affection. We look nothing alike. I'm a few inches taller than her and definitely wider. Her skin is ivory and specked with a few too cute freckles, her hair shoulder length when combed ;) straight and brown, My skin is chocolate and my hair loced and almost too short to pull back even when wet. But this woman sitting across from me is my sister not too mention life style change buddy. Finding the dress is the easy part....but I fully intend it to be a size 12 instead of a 24 when I finally get it.
She’s getting ready to charge head long into bridal battle and bludge battle... getting read to face formal fittings, sugar withdrawal, mood swings, cold feet, late night hold me back cravings and a myriad of other things to harsh to appear in grim tales. And I feel honored and loved and so lucky to have her here... and her mother too to kick both of our asses.


missrenie: (Default)

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