missrenie: (Default)
So my room is a mess
which is normally an indication that I am a mess

Its a pattern.
I make a mess in my room so that I have to clean it
through cleaning it I regain control
and that control makes me feel like I can take the other messy parts of my life and clean that as well.

Sometimes though I need help
and I wasn't expecting the help
but it came in a big way
and I wish I had the words to convey exactly how much it means to me
Not only did yall stop me from drowning, yall noticed I was drowning, yall decided to throw me a rope and more than the rope is the knowledge that you have enough faith in me to reach out to me to pull me to a place where I could once again stand on my own is humbling and makes me wanna cry in the happiest way.

My words are thank you... thank you for taking me in, for caring for me like family.
My actions will be a reflection of your kindness, your consideration, your encouragement
Because of yall
I can sort this out
Because of yall
I have a second chance
Because of yall
this future I had planned, this dream, this desire, this call, this passion, this life, my life
Because of yall
I can

I did not even realize that I had given up.
That I felt so lonely and so used up that I had given up
I was falling, kicking and screaming, grabbing at air but knowing that I was gonna hit the ground and shatter and break and face hard recovery.  And while I appeared to be putting up a good fight I had accepted that.... part of me had accepted that utter loss of hope but yall found my hands and gripped my arms and took the weight of me so that I could find my footing again and climb back and past the place I once was.

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

I'm gonna make you proud
I'm gonna make me proud
and then I'm gonna do for someone else what yall so lovingly and selflessly have done for me.
missrenie: (Default)
I met my mother's side of the family for Thanksgiving.
I bumped into my cousin at the gym. She recognized me right off. I was shocked. I knew that I had family in California. And even though I have been here for four years I have never attempted to make contact with them.
Reasons for this ranges from personal insanity to horrible childhood memories of being forced into visiting my father who could care less about my existence and his family for holidays, birthdays, etc.
Was not their fault (the family I mean). They were all quite nice people. But it was my father that I could not stand. An over grown child unwilling to accept the fact that abandoning the 32 year old woman he impregnated with twins (yes yes it does take 2 to tango) and not even making a cameo in their lives until they were 13 was socially, morally, and ethically unacceptable. And then to go further by making promises that were never kept. Plans that never came to fruition blah blah breaking hearts and taking names.
I mean I had already killed him in my mind... some valiant solider slain because he had thrown himself over a native woman of some far off country in order to protect her and her unborn children... he a human shield of fragile flesh and bone. His body jerking as the bullets ripped into his muscles, puncturing organs and major arteries, even a lung. The only vital that remained untouched was his perfect heart... but alas it was not enough and so my make believe daddy perished. This made up memory of course played in black in white with my father portrayed by a delicate but robust splicing of Gene Kelly, Sidney Poitier, and Yul Brynner. Needless to say that when I found out he was alive I was confused. And when I met the ewok of a man I was dismayed and disappointed... I tried many nights to snuggle into my bed and conjure up that smoky vision but that illusion was shattered. He had taken even that way from me. My reason my explanations my why... Because of him that ship once proud and silver gilded sailed from harbor and was dragged unceremoniously into the abyss by the Craken....
over and over
So yeah
daddy issues
Any who
"fuck it"
I said
out loud and repeatedly to myself... so often that Terick no longer requested what I was saying "fuck it" about
I was not going to let daddy issues get in the way of me having a big and possibly good family experience
I accepted the offer for Thanksgiving with my mothers side of the family a week in advance.
2 hours before afore mention blessed event I was in a state of panic despite giving myself a facial, taking a long hot shower with sea salt exfoliation and banging on my Tibetan meditation bowl (x-nay on the sage smells too much like reefer and it lingers).
I called my mother nearly in tears seeking the solace that only she could give which was as follows:
"I can't help your silly ass with a damn thing. I don't know that side of the family. I was hoping you would come back and tell me. I can tell you who's dead and whose alive and stuff like that. You need to calm the hell down hussy... damn take a breath. Any way happy Thanksgiving , mama loves you... And take a chill pill for Christ sakes."
15 outfit changes
7 pieces of toast
4 pep talks with myself
3unreasonable arguments with Terick for interrupting my pep talks
and two fights with two bottles of Casa de Fructa Pomegranate wine and mulberry, gold trimmed bows
I arrived via my cousin in Daly City and seated at the table of my Aunt or cousin Irene.
Where I was accepted, and loved, and fed. Embraced given a seat of honor and teased by uncle my cousin? Irene and other wonderful people. Who scared Terick and offered me enlightenment simultaneously with the stories of my Great Grandmother Virginia Kelly ( a bootlegger in the proabition South). According to them I am a direct heir of the hot boiling "Ly" (pronounced Lee) Blood. From the stories this woman was a half crazed warrior Goddess. All the women directly descended from her are docile, sweet, shy and companionable unless they are "set-off". This "set-off" can happen at the drop of a hat, or for no reason at all and is worse when the woman feels she or her kin is in danger. The result is terrifying... so terrifying that the father of another heir to the Ly blood told his future son in law that he was insane for marrying his daughter and he wished him the best.
as a side note the male descendants of Great Grand Virginia Kelly are hard to put out, and difficult to make upset, pliable, easy going. It is as if the women in the family sucked all the tabasco out of their blood and kept ti for their own.
I thanked them whole heartedly for the explanation
and they in turn patted Terick on the back like a man on his way to the gallows.
Turns out my temperament is not purely environmental
and neither was my mother's
apples and trees
missrenie: (Default)

Mom lost all the stuff that my bro and I made her while we were growing up... she kept it under her bed. The house took in a foot of water. All of it was lost. So im going to start making my mom construction paper cards.

Kris and I stopped off and Michael's to get craft stuff for the coven and I found the perfect pack of construction paper. I was positively glowing when I got my hands on it. I squealed so much that Kris threatened to slap the black off of me. I was undaunted. Before we got in the car I had got it open and was sniffing it. I smiled the entire way home as I molested it, fingering though the seven color choices. Occasionally squealing with delight as I pressed it against myself despite several threats and rolled eyes.

For a few minutes I was a kid again. A happy kid. I'm not sure what kind of experience I had with construction paper when I was younger that makes me so damn giddy around it... aroused even. But I am glad that happiness comes so cheap :) I made my mom a card with cut out hearts in it and stashed the extra in my drawer at work...
Every once in a while I open it up lean over
and inhale

missrenie: (Default)


I spent the morning in bed with mommy talking about everything I could think of. I love her soo much and I know that she will cry when I leave even though I am going to see her again before I go. She slipped me some cash to make up for the money I lost on the limo and I am going to stay with my brother for a while at his place in Shreveport... so excited about finally being able to sleep... as long as he sleeps with the door closed to block out his snoring.

missrenie: (Default)

so much snot,
so little sleep,
he snores so loud,
I need a strong sedative and stiff drink

missrenie: (Default)

Yeah its Christmas... mother woke me up at 7:30 by repeatedly assaulting me with an empty aquafina water bottle because I kept her awake all night by coughing... I was shocked that she could hear it over my brothers snoring that left me sleepless and in tears all night. She pauses her onslaught to tell me that she is leaving for church in an hour. Wacks me once more for good measure gives my brother a kiss on the forehead, does an about face and leaves the room. I start to count the Jesus pictures hanging on the walls and realize that my brother has stopped snoring... I blink in surprise

at 4:30 I halt my one long blink, take a bath, eat some turkey, laugh when my mother whacks my brother for trying to serve me pork as a prank. Have two emotional break downs, take another bath, and settle down in a lumpy hard uncomfortable bed for another blink



missrenie: (Default)

Twin brother arrives... let the harassment begin

missrenie: (Default)

Mommy arrives. I’m so happy to see her!!!!! She has a new boyfriend or rather some one who wants her and she is not sure rather or not she wants him. She has left her job that and handed in a resignation to the school board and is going to go back to school herself and try to figure out her life. The only problem is that she neglected to tell her family and her boss that she was not going back... I’m sure they will notice on Wednesday when there is no teacher there. She says that she thinks she has gone crazy but she does not really care. I think it was the best move for her to make. She needs time to get her life together after Katrina... she never took the time she went straight to work well she got tricked into a job at a horrible school where just recently the entire place was on lock down because a student was shooting a semi automatic in the hallways... honestly middle schoolers these days.

missrenie: (Default)

Dec 22
I awake slightly dizzy my back aching and greenish brown gunk expelling from my lungs. I stumble from the room down the hall and into the kitchen where I get the bahjesus scared out of me by a picture of Jesus... well the shroud of Turin in fact. Once I managed to re heat the pot of chicken soup that my Aunt made for me but ended up just staring at it... I might be sick I thought to myself... that thought directly followed by I wonder if I could sue for this too. The rest of the day was a blur until I dragged my sorry ass into the bathroom for a shower er bath... er hmmm maybe I should mention that the house is at least 100 years old. I love to look at history not live it... needless to say the shower/bath thing was very interesting and exhausting... as I lay on the floor in front of the space heater trying to recover I tried to count the Virgin Mary's that were in the 10 by seven space... I lost count at 24 and fell asleep... woke up with a horrible case of cotton mouth

missrenie: (Default)

Dec 21

So there I was
at 11:30 central time
in the cold
in the dark
Waiting for the damn car that should have been there at 9:30
I would have been livid
If I could stop coughing long enough to be livid
Instead I just whimpered and shivered and became a mark for some limo driver that said he would take me the two hour ride for 150 instead of the 165 that the cabs cost. He called the 165 highway robbery... "I'm a man of God ... blah blah... Jesus blessed me blah blah... I’m a minister..." by this time I knew he was full of shit but I was not going to stay there for eleven more hours waiting for Galveston Limo to send another car when there office opened.... I’d much rather sue. So instead I put on the poor me lost girl in the dark just trying to go home and see her family and got the price down to 100 dollars still to much for my blood but my nose had only stopped running because my snot had turned to ice and I was desperate...
So there I was
at 12:30 central time
in this tiny little town car
waiting for pastor limo driver father of five kids, ex-husband of two wives, sibling of 15 brothers and sisters, diabetic, seemingly sleep deprived, constantly weaving in and out of traffic while taking on at least one of his three cell phones... to get back in the car after detouring over to the home of his heroine addicted first wife so he could giver her bus money. The rest of the ride was uneventful... aside from him taking about how nice he was and how good he was to his mother and how he is kind to others because it is returned... oh and me praying to the Goddess ferishly that he does not swerve off the road and into the gulf of Mexico I arrived safely if not sanely, 110 dollars poorer and warm enough to be livid, but too damn sleepy to do anything except collapse into the lumpy twin bed three yards from the door.


Dec. 13th, 2005 10:45 pm
missrenie: (Default)

Sill searching for that perfect gift for my brother


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