May. 21st, 2010 10:43 pm
missrenie: (Default)
[personal profile] missrenie
It's been one month
in one month you have turned me into one of those people that I promised myself I would be never be again.

I'm writing poetry
I'm humming
I'm  fucking glowing
and everyone can see it.

I'm so annoyed and overjoyed and of course looking for every possible inconceivable reason why it wouldn't work.  
Lena told me something last night
She noticed that I had been up all night every night for the past two weeks.... she told me that  I was gonna get sick  and that I was hurting myself.

I told her that I'm freaking out and can't sleep because everything is going so well.

She said that life gets shitty and then its not shitty and then it's shitty and to just enjoy the not shitty parts of it instead of freaking out in my usual manner because that just makes the non shitty times shitty.

I told her that I felt like I didn't deserve it, like I didn't earn this life I have now.  That I feel guilty for being happy.  She basically called me weird and told me to get over it.

And she's right.
I deserve this.
I deserve you.
so I'll stop sabotaging myself 
and I won't sabotage us

Today you did something in the "one butt" kitchen as we danced around each other making a trashy vegan dinner.that included tater tots which you insisted on using since hashbrowns were too classy for this dish.  It was something very OCD and very analytical,  very understandable to me even though someone else would have looked at you as if you were crazy.  

I already loved you  but just then the scales tipped and fell in love with you.  As you had your back to me with your broad shoulders slightly hunched over the sink I fell in love with you and wondered why it took me so long to see you.  How could I miss you standing there when I have been looking for you for so damn long.
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