Aug. 30th, 2010

missrenie: (Default)
I can't sleep
My throat is closing up and it's because I have been holding back things that I have really wanted to say.  A part of me wants to be objective about this thing but I bigger part of me is saying fuck it.
I really can't afford to get sick again
So I'm just gonna go ahead and say how I really feel.

Congratulations,

You are indeed an asshole.  Actually you are the crowned king of all assholes you manipulative, vindictive, jack ass.  You self absorbed shit head.

I hate you
I actually hate you
and I hate that you are still here, that you still affect me. 

I want you gone
I want you out of my head
I want you out of my body
I want you out of my spirit

I can't believe it took me this long to realize how abused I was, how misshapen I was, how fucked I was.
I can't believe it took me this long to become angry
I can't believe I was sooo ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH

I was sick sick sick.  You were this cancerous thing and what I let you do to me dear sweet goddess what I let you do to me, with me is unforgivable.

I'm scarred and damaged and forever changed 
you sick fuck.

I had to relearn to cry
I had to relearn to scream
I had to relearn to feel
I had to jump start my system with painful extremes and electric shocks... literally.  Like fucking literally.

I want you to feel everything I felt.  I want to put you through that hell you fashioned for me with your own hands and  the worse thing... the scary thing is that I don't even feel sorry for feeling that way.  You probally won't though.  You'll never understand or accept responsibility for what happened and I have to learn to be okay with that.

Congratulations asshole....
You broke me.
You murdered me so thoroughly that I had to start me all over again.
I'm better, stronger, faster lol... I love who I am today but damn it should not have happened this way.

I'm going hiking.  I'm going into the hills and I'm taking this thing that I have in my hand with me.  And when I reach a spot high enough, wide enough, wild enough I'm gonna scream.  Until I can't speak, until I can't whimper. Ohhhhhhhh I'm gonna curse epic profanities until they echo into nothingness, I'm gonna beat the ground until my hands ache and I'm covered in sweat  and then I'm gonna toss it into the abyss and pretend its you, and your lies, and that cage you put me in.

And when I come back
I'm getting some therapy

I'm pissed that I can't send you the fucking bill!!!!

This year I'm giving myself the best birthday gift I can imagine. 
A life free of you.
A me free of you.

Dehydrated

Aug. 30th, 2010 12:12 pm
missrenie: (Default)
I've been eating fire for the past few months. 
Dre had noticed it. 
Everything has been all cayenne and chili pepper flakes, wasabi, ginger and garlic, noodles doused in unnaturally flaming crimson  Sriracha Roster sauce, Louisiana Crystal Hot red dripping from a white and blue bottle burning down my throat.  I've been eating fire to keep from screaming my own red hot rage.

It hurts.
It's eating me inside out until I started to let it out.
It still hurts
It's burning me inside out until its all gone away

I'm thirsty now
I've been crying
My own tears trying to smoother flames gone wild and out of control.

My body seems to remember tears even if my spirit has forgotten them.

They come often now... wet hot visitors leaving trails straight from my eyes and down to my heart.
I wipe them away from left side of my face after  waking from a dreamless sleep
I tilt my head back from clients as I work on them so they won't get caught in my rain
They come in the shower as warm as the water washing over me

They are coming now


I thought long and hard last night as I watched white smoke curl up from the burning  incense.  Sticks  stuck in the earthen bowl filled with the salt.  Filled with remnants of the sun kissed ocean's tears.  As the sound of drums temporarily filled in the cracks of my temporarily broken spirit. 

This is a good thing.

I am feeling.  I am feeling all these things because I am finally surrounded by all the people, places and things that make me feel safe enough to do so.  The collective, protective, purifying salt, my feet planted firmly in the earth and they hold me there like roots and keep me from falling over, falling down, falling dead.  

I'm screaming, spewing fire from my spirit and it's dangerous.  It's harming me but the tears are soothing it, washing it clean making a steam of it so all those angry spirits, all those lost ghosts within can rise up and out and away into the dark night to be cleansed and reborn.

I'm thirsty now
I can hardly keep up
I'm drowning in them
but the sun's gonna come out
I'll dance a heathen spiral and summon it to me
We'll kiss the pain away
And all that will be left will be bueatiful diamonds shining in the light

I'm finally not ashamed to cry.

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missrenie

November 2011

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